


People Like Us

by suhossineun



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Book: The Invisible Child, Chronic Illness, Drinking & Talking, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Family Issues, Insecurity, Loneliness, Magical Realism, Mental Health Issues, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen, Minor Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Park Chanyeol, Moomin References, Moomins, Mystery, Non-Graphic Smut, Smoking, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Superpowers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 03:03:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 58,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhossineun/pseuds/suhossineun
Summary: It's Junmyeon who claims to be drawn to Baekhee, because she's so bright and brilliant, but what with her growing obsession over him and the mystery that surrounds him, she can't be entirely sure that she isn't the moth to a flame after all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know the tags once again sound pretty intense, but I just want to be on the safe side with this. Some of the themes that will be dealt with in this story are quite heavy and I know that they are, although I will do my best not to make this too depressing. This is another personal story, many of Baekhee's struggles stemming from my own experiences from growing up in a very similar situation, but I don't want this to be too sad or hopeless.
> 
> I'll add tags as things become relevant in the story.
> 
> Also sorry not sorry for the gender switch I love my girls. 
> 
> For Wika, who wanted college au subaek and instead got this hot mess.

“Are you excited for the MT on the weekend?” Chanmi appears out of nowhere, draping her tall body over Baekhee’s significantly shorter frame like a boa constrictor. She’s clingy, and has been especially so ever since they started college together- Baekhee understands that Chanmi is unnerved by all the new things and all of the change, and she doesn’t mind, but she also really isn’t strong enough to hold her up for much longer. 

“I am excited, but you’re gonna choke me to death long before then,” she wheezes, playing it up, and Chanmi squeezes her tighter in retaliation once before finally letting go and standing up on her own feet. “Our first MT in college, it’s going to be so much fun. Think about all the boys!”

Jongdae shakes his head and snorts at Baekhee’s words. “As if you haven’t been getting to know all the boys on campus already, MT or not,” he teases, gesturing around. They’re standing in front of the cafeteria, where they were waiting for Chanmi and Kyungsoo to show up so they could grab lunch together. “Pretty sure half of the student body already knows your name, Baekhee.” 

“And I need the other half to know it too,” Baekhee retorts haughtily. She’s really quite eager- attending an all girls’ high school wasn’t particularly fun, and finding boys to date was a whole hassle. Attending classes with boys and girls alike has really been an improvement, and she isn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste. 

“If you keep screaming like that, they will for sure,” Kyungsoo says dryly as he shows up, adjusting his black rimmed glasses before ushering them inside and into the lunch queue. “I really don’t understand what’s so fucking great about MTs. You can drink back at home, and you don’t have to sleep on the floor.” 

Baekhee and Chanmi have known Jongdae and Kyungsoo only for a month, ever since college started, but Baekhee likes to think that she has both of them all figured out already. Kyungsoo is a home body who doesn’t like loud places or loud people- how or why he tolerates Baekhee and Chanmi, there’s no telling. Baekhee isn’t all too surprised to hear that Kyungsoo isn’t over the moon about the weekend plans, even if it’s a serious bummer. 

“So are you coming or?” she can’t help but prod, slipping her arm around Kyungsoo’s and pressing up against his side. She knows such tricks don’t really work on him- fluttering her eyelashes and pouting her full lips is more effective even on Jongdae, whose wit and sense of humor give even Baekhee a run for her money. But it doesn’t hurt to try.

“No,” Kyungsoo says dryly, although he doesn’t shake her off. “I’m working, Baekhee. Gladly so.” 

“I told you to call me noona, what part about that don’t you understand,” Baekhee whines as she relinquishes her hold on him. “I’m older than you!”

“But we’re attending class at the same year, because I’m a fast ’93 liner,” Kyungsoo says without missing a beat, like he always does when Baekhee insists that he should be using the honorifics. “So tough luck.” 

Jongdae is cackling and even Chanmi is grinning, and Baekhee can only huff and cross her arms over her chest in playful protest. Not that she’s upset- but it’s just part of the game, and she loves to play. High school was so dead serious, especially the senior year of slaving away in preparation for the SATs; college has allowed her freedom she has never known before, and she’s doing her best to make up for lost time now that she doesn’t have to worry about much of anything. Not for two or three years, at least. Being enrolled in the Seoul University of Education is good on its own, even if her grades don’t turn out the best. 

“Fine, I’ll find someone else who’ll call me that,” she exclaims, and cuts in line to get in front of Kyungsoo to grab a tray first. “You disrespectful brat.” 

“Baekhee, you have no shame,” Chanmi giggles, smacking her on the shoulder as she laughs. Her cheeks are flushed pink, and Baekhee doubts it’s just her makeup. “You’re the most disrespectful brat I know, and I’m friends with Jongdae!”

“Yah, that’s enough!” Jongdae elbows Chanmi in the side, making her giggle even harder, and Baekhee steadies her with an arm thrown around her lithe waist. It feels like Chanmi is still learning her own body, like she still hasn’t quite caught up with it after her growth spurt ended. Only once Chanmi seems to regain control does Baekhee let go, although not before affectionately brushing a long lock of hair behind Chanmi’s ear. 

“I’m starving,” she announces, reaching for the small plates of side dishes to place on her tray. “Does anyone have class after this? I have an empty slot, I was going to go to the library to study. Or to a café to play on my phone, whichever tickles my fancy more.” 

“I vote café,” Chanmi says, following close behind her. “I’m so beat, I had that 8 a.m. lecture with professor La Shure. I can’t believe I signed up for it, I should have dropped out when I still had the chance.” 

“I can’t, I have a lecture,” Jongdae pipes up before flashing his most handsome smile at the lunch lady in thanks as she hands him a plate of bulgogi. “Music theory. It’s going to be a struggle to stay awake right after eating lunch.” 

“And what about you, Kyungsoo?” Baekhee asks as they make their way to an empty table with their trays. “Café, class, or library?” She can tell that Chanmi is holding her breath next to her, waiting for his answer. Silly girl. 

“I guess I could come to the café for a bit,” Kyungsoo says casually and Baekhee has trouble containing her amusement at how visibly happy Chanmi gets. She shakes her head minutely, her short red locks bouncing as she does. Chanmi’s elbow presses to her side lightly, but retreats right after. Chanmi knows that she knows. “Unless you two girls wanted to hang out by yourselves. I’m not sure, I really can’t read the girl code or whatever.” 

Baekhee huffs through the mouthful of rice she just stuffed into her mouth. “There’s no girl code, I mean what I say,” she insists, but she can’t finish her scalding remark when a handsome junior walks by their table and makes eye contact with her, complete with a charming smile. 

“Baekhee,” he drawls, stopping at the end of their table although he doesn’t greet or even look at anyone else. “I hope you’re coming to the MT this weekend. It wouldn’t be any fun without you, you know. Us tutors have been preparing hard for it, too. We’re all excited for a proper chance to get to know you guys.” 

Baekhee hurries to swallow, giving him her best playful smile. “Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” she chirps, reaching up to twirl a strand of her red hair around her slender finger. She knows her dyed hair stands out like a sore thumb, which was kind of the point. She likes the attention, likes the men flocking to her to try and snatch her first. “I’ve been waiting for it this entire time, you know. I’ll see you there, oppa.” 

The man smiles and even shoots a finger gun at her, before walking away. Baekhee can barely hold in her laughter until the guy is out of earshot, but Jongdae and Kyungsoo aren’t as polite. “What a fucking jerk,” Jongdae cackles, shaking his head in mock disapproval. “If that’s how you need to talk to girls to get a girlfriend, I’d rather stay single forever.” 

“Tell me about it,” Kyungsoo groans, although not without sneaking a glance at Chanmi. “That was so cringey, my heart just shriveled up and died.” 

Baekhee can only grin at their words. It’s not like she disagrees- that was absolutely terrible, and she wouldn’t be so smitten if he wasn’t so handsome, and older. It’s just flattering to know she’s been noticed by the seniors in her program already, even though she’s just a freshman. Her dating prospects are spectacular, and she plans to make full use of that.

“You’re both just jealous because you don’t know how to talk to girls,” she says with her nose in the air, just to tease the guys. “Cringey or not, he’s still really popular. All the older girls say he’s a complete dream.” 

Jongdae fake gags into his food. “Don’t come to us crying when he breaks your heart,” he tuts before shoveling more food into his mouth. “Guys like that aren’t shit, I’m telling you. And what do you mean anyway, we’re talking to girls right this moment.” 

“Not that you have a chance with either one of us,” Baekhee retorts back, although she can see how Chanmi looks at her in slight panic. Right, right. She shouldn’t torpedo Chanmi’s chances with Kyungsoo. “You’re a boy, not a man, Kim Jongdae.” 

Baekhee and Jongdae don’t stop bickering about it for the rest of their meal, only finally ending their conversation when Jongdae has to run to get to his class on the other side of campus. Kyungsoo excuses himself for a moment to go to the restroom, and Chanmi uses the opportunity to cling to Baekhee once more, holding her close to avoid anyone listening in on their conversation. 

“Jongdae is right, though,” she says quietly. “Baekhee, I don’t want you to end up hurt because of players like that oppa. They’re no good, seriously. Haven’t you heard about all of the scary stuff those guys do to girls, especially freshmen? Yura unnie said that we should be really careful. Especially at the MT.”

Baekhee can just sigh, although she does fully understand Chanmi’s concern. Appreciates it, even. “I know,” she tells her. “I know, Chanmi. I wasn’t born yesterday. But I want to have fun, and I’m not at all ready to fall in love or anything. I just wanna enjoy my youth, you know? Have sex with lots of guys, break their hearts instead of letting them break mine. I’m not gonna fall prey to them so easily. Have faith in me, alright?” 

Chanmi giggles, although the way she squeezes Baekhee closer speaks a different tale. “Heartbreaker Baekhee,” she muses. “Well, I guess I get it. It’s not for me but, I get it.”

“Because you already went and fell in love, silly,” Baekhee teases, digging her elbow into Chanmi’s side, causing her to laugh louder and to pull away from her. “It hasn’t even been a full month yet and here you go, wearing your heart in your sleeve like always.” 

“I can’t help it, alright,” Chanmi protests, but she’s quick to shut up when Kyungsoo returns from the restroom. It’s cute- Baekhee is truly happy for her, even if it doesn’t work out. Chanmi is so happy to have this crush, so excited to experience all of it. It’s precious, and something Baekhee is just a tiny bit envious of. Somehow she feels ancient next to her friend- someone who’s so new to the idea of love and relationships, and like a puppy in love, just waiting for her first everything. First kiss, first confession, first date, the whole nine yards. 

Not that Baekhee has really gained much more experience than her, but deep down, she feels like she’s a hundred years older. More cynical, less optimistic. She doesn’t want love, she wants fun. She wants to play the game like the fuckboys want to play theirs, and she absolutely refuses to feel any shame for it. 

There’s only one flaw in her plan; she isn’t prepared at all for someone who could actually make a home in her heart.

*****

Friday finally comes, even though it feels like it’s an eternity. Baekhee is anxious to go since the morning, when she sneaks out of the house with her shoes in her hand and her bag on her shoulder. She has a couple of classes before the bus is due to leave and take them all to the house they’ve rented for the event, and it’s going to be such a drag, but she knows she shouldn’t skip class because it won’t make the bus leave any sooner. She steps into her shoes once she’s in the staircase, and then hurries downstairs, light on her feet and all giddy inside.

She’s been aching to get away ever since she moved back home after high school graduation. 

Focusing on the lectures is hard, not only because of her own excitement but also because everyone in her class feels the same way. All freshmen from her department are due to attend, naturally, and the atmosphere is electric with anticipation. There has been a lot of talk about this all week; rumors they’ve all heard from their older siblings about what usually happens, or usually doesn’t happen, plans they’ve made about what they want to do and who they want to talk to. Which one of the seniors are going to attend, and which one of them are already taken. Which one are rumored to have taken interest in the freshmen. 

Baekhee knows she’s a center of a lot of talks. She’s made it clear she’s here to have fun, in every way possible. That she has zero concerns for maintain a pure image, and she’s down to try pretty much anything. She’s already slept with some of the older students, and thinks nothing much of it; it was fun, and she’d do it again in a heartbeat. But she also knows that some girls, and guys, feel that it isn’t right. That she shouldn’t be behaving the way that she is. 

She can feel them staring, but all she does is stare back, making it clear that she knows and doesn’t care. 

“You’re so gorgeous,” Chanmi tells her when they meet up at the bus to start their journey at last. “Look at you, pocketsized heartbreaker!” 

Chanmi’s hug nearly sweeps Baekhee off her feet, and she can only laugh at her antics. “Hey, you’re making me flash everyone,” she chides her, tugging her skirt down. “But thank you. I’m glad you like it, I spent a while picking it out.” 

The short, black skirt and thin shirt are a little too light for the late March weather they’re having, and the distressed jean jacket she’s wearing on top doesn’t do anything much to keep her warm. But Baekhee knows that the tight skirt hugs her plush thighs just right, and she enjoys how the chains at the back of the jacket swing and sway with each step she takes. It’s an eyecatching outfit, and she feels confident in it. Beautiful, sexy. Desirable. Judging by the looks she’s getting, many feel the same way. 

“I know. You look so nice.” Chanmi is dressed way less provocatively; her hair is braided and she has her blouse buttoned all the way to the top, but at least her skirt shows off almost as much leg as Baekhee’s. She looks precious, like a fresh, green apple, and Baekhee adores her. “Where’s Jongdae? Wasn’t he at your lecture this morning?” 

“He was, but he ran off somewhere. Let’s just board the bus, he can sit with his other friends.” There’s no point in waiting, because they wouldn’t be all able to sit together anyway. Baekhee tugs Chanmi into the first bus out of the two that are waiting for the students, and they find themselves seats at the back. It’s going to be a bit of a ride, they heard, so they make themselves comfortable, complete with snacks and shared earbuds so they can catch up on their favourite drama together.

The chatter in the bus quiets down soon after they leave campus, as everyone settles down for the drive. They get out of the city, heading east, leaving the city behind not long after. But Baekhee doesn’t pay any heed to the landscapes that they pass by; it’s all beiges and browns, the winter barely having moved on and turning into a spring, most hillsides and branches still bare. 

Chanmi keeps texting Kyungsoo for almost the entire time. “I wish he’d come,” she sighs for the umpteenth time, pouting down at her phone. “I mean, it’s fun to go with you and Jongdae, and I really want to become better friends with some girls in my classes but you know… I was hoping I could get a chance to find out if he likes me like that, you know? Like, maybe he’d get drunk and let something slip… But I guess now it’s never going to happen.”

Baekhee is feeling a little fed up with how lovesick Chanmi is acting, but she does her best to shove that feeling down, deep deep down. She knows that the reasons why she’s so annoyed with Chanmi’s pining have nothing to do with her friend, and it would be unfair to take it out on her as such. Chanmi is a sweet girl who deserves her romance, no matter how childish it may be- it’s Baekhee’s own problem that she’s so bitter and deep down, jealous and afraid. 

“You’ll get your chance,” she comforts her, and lays her head on Chanmi’s shoulder. “I really don’t think he would relax enough in a setting like this to talk so freely, you know. He’s not the type. If anything, your best chance will be when it’s just the four of us, and no one else.” 

That seems to make Chanmi perk up again. “I think you’re right,” she muses, reaching up to stroke Baekhee’s hair absentmindedly. “Gosh, you’re so good with boys, aren’t you? That must be how they’re all fawning over you already, every single one of them.”

Baekhee grins, feeling victorious that she could make Chanmi see reason. “They’re not so complicated at all, once you figure them out,” she says flippantly. “It’s your own feelings that make it so convoluted, Chanmi-ya. I don’t have any feelings for them, so it’s simple.” 

“Heartbreaker in pocketsize,” Chanmi sighs fondly, shaking her head. “I don’t know why I’m surprised, honestly. Even as kids, you never talked about romance like the rest of us did.”

It’s true, and Baekhee knows it. She shrugs her shoulders minutely, glances around to see if anyone seems to be paying attention. It doesn’t seem that way. “I just have a small heart and very little love, and most of it is poured on you,” she replies with, reaching over to take Chanmi’s hand in hers. They’ve been best friends since they were in diapers, and Chanmi knows everything about her- even the bad, even the things she hides behind her loud laughter and blinding smiles. 

Chanmi laughs, but also brings Baekhee’s hand up to her face to press a kiss on the back of it. “I don’t think that’s true,” she muses. “I think you have a lot of love to give, you just like to be careful with who to give it to. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“Maybe so.” This is a conversation they should be having somewhere more private, and certainly not on such a happy day as this. Baekhee sits up straight again, shakes her head as if to shake out all the negative thoughts already swarming in. “Anyway. This weekend I’m going to kiss at least five guys and maybe some girls, and then make them all pine after me when I curl up to sleep next to you. Unless someone turns out to be an amazing kisser- then I might give them a chance.” 

Again, Chanmi just laughs. She isn’t going to hold Baekhee back, isn’t going to warn her about needing to be careful- she understands that Baekhee isn’t going to heed anyone’s warnings, not even hers. So far, it has only been Baekhee’s conquests that have gotten themselves hurt.

Finally, the buses pull up at the houses they’ve rented for the weekend to host the event. There are so many of them that they have the entire place to themselves; a big house with a small yard surrounding it, a little outside the nearest city but not quite far enough to make it countryside. There are similar properties close by, but all of them are probably rented out for similar purposes- they shouldn’t be able to disturb anyone here, unless they set the whole place on fire. 

Students rush to get out of the buses, the electricity and tension back in full swing, and Baekhee squeezes Chanmi’s hand in hers tightly as they gather their things and join the group outside. The same junior that spoke to Baekhee in the cafeteria earlier that week is standing on the porch, a megaphone held in his hand as he waits for the crowd to gather up, the rest of the tutors flanking him and watching the freshmen chatter excitedly amongst themselves. 

“Can I have your attention please?” the guy says into the megaphone, but it takes a couple of tries before everyone finally quiets down. He doesn’t seem too pleased, although there’s still a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Thank you. I’m just going to give you some quick instructions, and then, we will all get to enjoy ourselves. Got it?” 

“Yes,” the crowd says in unison, and suddenly Baekhee feels the urge to disobey. To do something to disrupt the obedience- but she bites it back down. 

“Girls, your rooms are upstairs to the left of the stairs. Gentlemen, upstairs to the right. Don’t get these confused- we’re strictly under the department’s rules to make sure nothing’s co-ed.” The crowd laughs; they all know that this is one rule that isn’t going to hold. 

“We’re going to get started on barbeque soon. We want the food underway before we’re all too drunk to cook it.” This elicits louder cheers; everyone is anticipating the food, but mostly the drinks. “And we have over one hundred and fifty bottles of soju reserved for the first night, and we’ll get more as needed for the second night.” 

“That’s so fucking many,” Chanmi says right into Baekhee’s ear as everyone cheers again. “There’s like what, 60 of us here?”

“Isn’t it amazing?” Baekhee claps her hands together in excitement. “We’re truly going to get wasted tonight!”

Finally, they’re all allowed inside. The house is quite plain, void of most furniture; it has probably been broken by the previous visitors, and the owners never bothered to get new ones. The bedrooms, the size of small classrooms, have mattresses on the floor and some pillows and blankets but nothing much else, and all in all, there aren’t many luxuries to be had. But it really isn’t about the location as it’s about bonding with others, establishing friendships, and getting shitfaced while doing it.

They find Jongdae once they’ve left their belongings in one of the rooms. “There you girls are,” Jongdae says with a smile, grabbing them both to lead them outside where there are less people there, save for the ones gathered around the grill. “I was starting to wonder if you had come at all, to be honest.” 

Baekhee scoffs, shakes his hands off. “I wouldn’t miss this for anything,” she reassures him, gesturing around them. It’s loud and busy with people, and she couldn’t be happier. “Where’s the alcohol? I didn’t come here to be sober. We need to make Kyungsoo jealous that he couldn’t come!”

Both Chanmi and Jongdae laugh at her words. “I don’t think you’re gonna make him jealous by showing off how fucking drunk you got here,” Jongdae grins. “But the rest I agree with. There are so many girls here I have never seen before at all! It’s a tragedy that I have to fix this instant, and get to know some of them.”

“As if you have a chance with any of them,” Chanmi giggles, promptly finding herself in a playful exchange of punches with Jongdae.

There are no surprises to how the night goes from there. There’s food, there are games, and most importantly, there’s booze. Everyone is tipsy before it even gets late, and the drinking doesn’t slow down even as the games and the food do. 

Baekhee is right in her element, making new friends and rubbing shoulders with everyone, and exchanging flirty looks and playful jabs with all the guys that approach her. It’s fun, she thinks, to feel so wanted; there’s not a single person in this building she couldn’t have if she so decided, and it’s exhilarating. To know that she’s popular, that she’s admired and desired, and she holds all the power. Her charms and her beauty, they have everyone a little weak for her, and it’s a feeling she’s always been hungry for. 

She’s spent so much time feeling so small and worthless that she feels she has deserved all of this. Even if it’s excessive, she’s earned this. Her time in the spotlight, for as long as it’ll keep. 

She flutters from one group of people to another, enjoying the reactions she gets out of people with her jokes and charms. But once she’s drunk enough, she finds herself tiring of the conversation; everyone is drunk off their minds by now, and people are slowing down, turning sluggish or distracted, some people making out lazily and making a terrible show of how horny they are. It’d be amusing, but suddenly she feels like she needs a break- needs to ground herself a little, because she’s exhausted herself.

Glancing around the room, she spots Chanmi and Jongdae huddled in a small group of people, seated on the floor at the opposite side. Chanmi seems sleepy and Jongdae is absolutely wasted, and Baekhee decidedly doesn’t like how some of the guys in the circle are eyeing at Chanmi. She can’t help it, she feels protective over her; they’ve been through so much, and she won’t let anyone hurt her no matter what.

Baekhee excuses herself from her previous conversation, untangling herself from the guy who she was flirting with, and walks away despite his protests. She walks up to Chanmi and flashes a brief smile to everyone now looking at her, before bending down to gently shake her by the shoulder.

“Chanmi-ya, let’s get you to bed. I think you’ve had enough, for tonight.” She doesn’t have to encourage her much- Chanmi isn’t much of a drinker, and always so pliant and eager to do as told. Baekhee pays no heed to how the guys are calling her a kill joy, and just hauls Chanmi up on her feet, holding onto her so she wouldn’t keel over. She’s like Bambi on ice, as adorable as it is, but this isn’t Baekhee’s first time dragging her to bed like this. 

“Do you need help?” Jongdae slurs, swaying where he’s seated on the floor. Baekhee just waves him off and walks away with Chanmi, slowly making their way to the stairs and up into the room where they left their bags earlier. It’s a lot quieter upstairs, only a few people having found their way there- mostly couples looking for some privacy, and those who are in similar condition to Chanmi, early to call it a night.

“It’s been fun,” Chanmi mumbles as Baekhee helps her lay down, and covers her with a blanket. She’d undress her, but she decides that it’s for the best that she stay as dressed as possible- the harder she’s to take advantage of, the better. “It’s been really fun, Baekhee, but I wish Kyungsoo was here. It’s not perfect without him.” 

“I know, dear,” Baekhee murmurs, stroking Chanmi’s head a little clumsily. Although she handles her liquor better, she’s by no means unaffected. “You can text him tomorrow, and talk to him. He’ll want to know everything about what we did, you know. Maybe you even get to tell him that you missed him.” 

Chanmi giggles, but Baekhee can tell that she’s already half way asleep. “I can’t wait,” she whispers, a smile about her lips. “I really can’t…”

“So sleep, so morning will come faster.” Baekhee stays by her side for a little while longer, before getting up on her feet. She’s feeling a bit unsteady, and suddenly unwilling to head back downstairs- as much as she’s enjoying all of this, her drunkenness is reaching a point where her mood is starting to plummet. She’d fight it with more alcohol, but first, she needs a smoke. A little more time to be somewhere less crowded, some time to quiet her mind. She’ll be good as new, afterwards. 

There’s a balcony upstairs, and she heads there with her packet of cigarettes, the lighter stuffed inside. All night, she’s been smoking someone else’s cigarettes, but she doesn’t want to depend on anyone for one right now. It’s dark outside and at first glance, the balcony seems empty, which is not an unwelcome surprise. She walks up to the rail and lights her cigarette, her hands only a bit shaky as she does it. 

The first drag of smoke makes her feel alive again, but hearing a sudden noise to her right sets her nerves on fire in a different way. She jumps back with a quiet yelp, whipping her head around to stare at the source of that sound- it takes a moment for her drunk brain to understand the situation, but when she finally realizes she’s only looking at a guy about her height who looks about as startled as she feels, she can finally breathe again. 

“Wow, you really scared me. I thought I was alone,” Baekhee says with a shake of her head. She’s not embarrassed, only a little flustered and disoriented. “Jesus, dude. Why did you have to sneak up on me like that?” 

The guy smiles at her sheepishly, rubs the nape of his neck as he looks away. “Sorry, I thought you knew I was in here,” he says quietly, and shrugs his shoulders. “I didn’t realize you didn’t see me when you came in.” 

“Ah. Right.” Baekhee takes another drag from her cigarette, flicks off some of the ashes gathered at the tip already. “Well, I didn’t. It’s too dark in here.” She glances at him again, takes him in; his face doesn’t seem familiar, although she was sure she knew everyone around here. Every freshman from their department. He has a handsome but unassuming face, something about his beauty profound but distant, a face that you’d remember just as easily as you would forget it too- but Baekhee is convinced she’s never seen him before this moment. 

“What’s your name? I don’t think we’ve run into each other yet.” She does her best to be nonchalant about it. It’s part of the game- she will appear bubbly and bright, but never too excited. She’s not some puppy to be lured in with attention and praises alone. 

“I’m Kim Junmyeon. We’ve had classes together, I think- you’re hard to miss, you know, when you’re in the same room as you.” Junmyeon’s face is hard to read with the light only illuminating the back of his head, but his tone sounds light, not accusing. “But I’ve kept to myself, you know. I’m not so good at meeting new people.” 

“Huh.” That’s an odd statement, and the undertones of that seem too meaningful. Baekhee refuses to step into that trap. “Well, I’m sorry I haven’t noticed you before. Do you always pick the darkest place to sit at, because that would explain why. I’m Baekhee, by the way. Byun Baekhee.” 

Junmyeon chortles, and shakes his head minutely. “I guess you could say that,” he hums. “Like I said, I don’t do well with new people. Besides, everyone is younger than me- it feels a little awkward. Like I don’t quite belong.” 

“Younger than you? How so?” But really looking at him, Baekhee isn’t so surprised. There’s something more mature about him than most guys in her year. “You took a gap year or something?” She holds out her cigarette to him, which he hesitantly takes. Brings it to his lips, and inhales hesitantly, the corners of his mouth tugging downwards as he tries to hold in his coughs. An amateur. He’s quick to hand it back to her. 

“No, I enlisted,” he says with another shrug. “Thought it was best to get that out of the way. But I didn’t realize that coming back, I would feel like I’ve lost two years of my life- like I’ve been stuck in time, and everyone else took a leap forward without me. It’s odd. Maybe I would have done it differently, had I known this.” 

“Huh.” It’s all Baekhee can say to that. She’s never given it any thought; she was away in dormitory when her brother enlisted, so it didn’t really seem that different to her. She didn’t think about it from his perspective, or any other man’s. It just didn’t seem important. 

“Sorry. See, I really am terrible at meeting new people. Talking like this, on a night like this…” Junmyeon sighs, and leans on the railing, gazing up at the sky. “I talk too much, and too honestly. It’s a problem.” 

That makes Baekhee grin around her cigarette. “No, it’s me who talks too much,” she assures him, and leans in to nudge him in the shoulder with hers. “But you are an odd one. You know, you’re not gonna make any friends on this trip if you don’t join the party. Everyone’s downstairs, so what are you doing here? I could swear I haven’t seen you all evening.” 

“Guess I got overwhelmed with it all.” Junmyeon reaches for her cigarette, takes it from her fingers and inhales again, this time with more caution. “I came here, thinking I would finally be able to break the ice and befriend some people but, it was all too much. I’ve never been good with loud places, or excessive drinking.”

“You sure aren’t good at much of anything,” Baekhee retorts, and Junmyeon gives her a startled look before laughing into his cupped palm, his shoulders shaking. He has the prettiest eye smile, Baekhee thinks absently as she raises her cig to her lips again.

“Well, I don’t think it’s a lie,” Junmyeon muses once he calms down. “I’m just awkward, that’s all. I guess I was stupid to think that somehow an MT would be the place where I could get to know people. I should have known it wouldn’t be my scene.” 

Baekhee dumps her cigarette, but doesn’t miss a beat before lighting another. As strange as this whole conversation is, she doesn’t feel ready to end it quite yet. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m feeling a little out of sorts myself,” she confesses, a little surprised by her own words even as they come out of her mouth. “That’s why I came up here. To catch a little break. And you might think that I make friends easy when I talk to anyone and everyone so easily, but it really isn’t like that. They’re not friends, you know. When you’re a social butterfly like me, you don’t get to have close friends. Everyone wants a piece of you, so you can only give them the shallowest piece possible- otherwise, you would lose yourself.” 

Junmyeon turns around to fully face her now, arms crossed over his chest. His brows are furrowed and his eyes sharp despite the late hour, probably because he hasn’t been drinking. Just his intense gaze alone makes Baekhee regret her words- it was indeed too sincere, too real. She shouldn’t have said anything. She turns away and refuses to make eye contact with him. 

“I guess I never thought of it like that before,” Junmyeon says quietly. “I guess… I guess that makes sense.” He turns his head to stare at the darkness once more, and Baekhee allows herself to relax. She really is too drunk, she shouldn’t have said so much. 

She smokes the rest of her second cigarette in silence, both of them now lost in thought. She dumps it on the railing, wiping it against the wood despite knowing how it’ll ruin the paint. Junmyeon watches, but doesn’t say anything. 

“Well, will I see you around in class? I don’t want you to be a stranger.” Baekhee says. She’s shivering a little bit, the temperature dropping quickly, and she’s feeling antsy again. To return, back to the warmth and light, back to people. See who else she could charm tonight. Enjoy all of that attention and bottle it up to last for the lonely moments back at home. 

Junmyeon seems a bit surprised, and hesitates with his answer. “I mean, sure? If you want to. But you’ve made so many friends already… You’re so bright and beautiful, Baekhee. I don’t know if you- well, I don’t know. If you want to see me, I’ll be there. You’ll see me again.”

There’s so much there, to unpack, but Baekhee is done with being serious. “You’ve been watching me, haven’t you?” she says playfully, nudging him. Junmyeon just chuckles.  
“Well, you’re impossible to ignore.” He steps back and pulls the door open, gesturing for Baekhee to step through. “I’m perhaps invisible, but not blind, or deaf.” 

That, that hits uncomfortably close to home for Baekhee, and she bites her inner cheek to mask any emotions that go through her. She doesn’t look at him, and just slips past him, back inside the house. But then she realizes, Junmyeon isn’t following her.

“Are you not coming?” she asks, slightly confused. “Are you really going to keep standing out there? That is not how you make friends, I thought that was clear.”

Junmyeon’s smile turns a little wan. “I did meet you, though,” he says, his tone gentle. “Just go. I think… I think I want to be alone, for a little while longer. I think I’ll just head to bed after. It’s been a tiring day.” 

“If you say so. Don’t freeze your nuts off,” Baekhee replies, and turns back around to head to the stairs. She can hear him laugh and then close the door, the sound somehow echoing in her mind even as she rejoins the party downstairs. 

Conversation with Junmyeon was nothing like any of her other conversations that evening, and could not be classified as pleasant even with the best intentions, but somehow it’s still what resonates with her when she finally lies down next to Chanmi to sleep. It was so odd, on so many levels, that she doesn’t know what to make of Junmyeon, or how he might feel about her- and perhaps that is why it stays with her, because he didn’t fall for her charms like everyone else usually does. 

But perhaps it wasn’t enough to quite put him in a box yet. Perhaps talking to him again will help her figure this one out. 

She curls around Chanmi, wrapping her arms around her, and falls asleep like that, thoughts of the peculiar boy bleeding into her dreams. 

Curiously enough, she doesn’t get a glimpse of him for the rest of the trip. He’s nowhere to be seen the next day, or even when they head home on Sunday. Baekhee keeps meaning to bring him up, if not for anything else then to marvel at how bizarre it was, but then she reaches a point where it all feels like a dream. She has never been drunk enough to meet imaginary people, but well- if the guy is nowhere to be found, and she can’t even hear anyone talking about him, then how could he be real? The house is not that huge, nor is their group. She should have found him by now. 

And like all negative and scary things in her life, she determinedly sets it aside, wraps it all up neatly, and throws it away. Forgets about it. It’s no use getting so stuck on something- she has enough grief as is, none of which she wants to deal with. She’s not going to let anything hold her down, no matter what it takes. 

They get off the buses at the campus, and Jongdae is quick to say his goodbyes and head home. Chanmi lingers though, reaching for Baekhee’s hand as they stand there. “You could come over, if you’d like,” she offers, careful and measured. “Mom keeps asking about you, too. It’d be fun, wouldn’t it? We’ll go to class together tomorrow, dad could drive us.” 

It’s sweet of her to offer, to give Baekhee a way out, but she knows she cannot accept. “I have to go home for once,” she sighs, but squares her shoulders to appear more confident in her choice. “I need new clothes, everything I packed is smelly. It’s gonna be alright.”

Coming back home after spending time away is always the hardest part, but she knows it needs to be done. Just have to do it like a bandaid, without thinking about it- just go for it. 

Chanmi nods, and parts from her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

Baekhee gets on the subway, slips earbuds in her ears, and refuses to think about what’s ahead. 

If she’s lucky, her mother will already be asleep.

*****

Come Monday morning, Baekhee is back on campus among the very first to arrive as usual. It’s a little eerie, but at the same time, she likes it; the washrooms are empty for her to do her makeup, and there are no lines to the campus cafes when she goes to grab her first americano. She sits in the library to complete her homework and readings before class, and then heads to her first lecture of the morning. But unlike most mornings, she’s not the first one to arrive in the class room- Junmyeon is seated at the back, his backpack on his lap and doodling something in a notebook. He looks up when he hears Baekhee enter, her heels loud on the bare floor, and flashes her a small smile.

“I told you we would see each other around,” he says as a greeting. “How’d you recover from the MT? Still feeling it?” 

Baekhee laughs, her bracelets clinking together as she raises her hand to cover her mouth. “No, thankfully not,” she responds with. “I felt like shit on Saturday and even on Sunday, but now I’m fine. I don’t usually get hungover like that, I must have drunk a lot.” 

Junmyeon grins, before looking back down as though shy. “Well, I’m glad. And I hope you had a lot of fun, too. You seemed to, at least.” 

It’s an odd statement, but Baekhee is starting to get the sense that this is just what Junmyeon does- his social skills cannot be complimented at all, she muses, although Junmyeon at least seems to be aware of the fact. “You were watching me?” she asks, as she walks up to her usual seat to set down her bag and slip off her jacket. “I didn’t see you at all, though. I was looking for you, to talk more, but I never saw you again. Where were you, actually?”

Junmyeon shrugs minutely. “Just out and about,” he murmurs, tilting his head further down. “I saw you a couple of times but you were always occupied, so I didn’t want to interrupt. I didn’t know you were… trying to find me.” 

“It’s alright, don’t even worry about it,” Baekhee replies with a wave of her hand. “You know, I was starting to think I had imagined it all, really. I kept thinking to myself, was I really so drunk that I imagined that whole conversation? I guess I’m relieved that you’re actually real and it did really happen. I don’t want to lose it yet, it’s not even midterm season.” 

There’s no laughter in response to her joke, just a nervous smile Junmyeon gives her when he finally lifts up his head again. “No, you’re not crazy,” he says quietly. “And you didn’t seem that drunk. But maybe you just hide it well.”

Baekhee shrugs. “I guess I do,” she muses, and sits down, digs in to her bag to take out her pocket mirror to check on her makeup and hair. “I’ve had a lot of practice, and I have a good tolerance.”

“You’re the life of the party,” Junmyeon says, but there’s thick sadness there, something impenetrable almost. He’s once again staring at his desk, his shoulders drawn up to his ears. “You’re so bright and beautiful… So many people get so sad when they drink, but you don’t.” 

Junmyeon told her those exact same words the first time they spoke, and something about it no longer feels like a compliment. There’s almost a sense of longing and envy- but Baekhee doesn’t understand the sudden change in the mood. Talking to Junmyeon is so confusing, and she’s getting slightly frustrated. Patience has never been one of her many flaws. 

“Well, I guess I just hide that too,” she begins, but never gets to finish her sentiment when a couple of girls she befriended at the MT walk into the classroom and immediately come up to her to greet her excitedly, chattering about this and that. Baekhee gets swept up in the conversation, happy to see the girls and to know that they still want her- still like her, even though the party’s over and real life continues on. The attention, it’s salve on her wounded soul, and so intoxicating that she forgets about Junmyeon for a moment.  
When the girls sit down in front of her and there’s a momentary pause in the conversation, she finally remembers what she was doing before they arrived, and turns to look behind her to say something to Junmyeon- maybe even introduce him to the girls, to help him make some acquaintances. But to her surprise, Junmyeon is no longer there, his seat and desk completely empty. He just is… no longer there, almost as though he never was.

She blinks at the empty chair, and something about it feels wrong. There’s an odd feeling there, almost as though she’s being watched- but she brushes it off, then, deciding that perhaps Junmyeon went to the bathroom, or realized he’d forgotten something. Maybe he ran off to buy himself a cup of coffee. There could be a thousand reasons why he left, and none of them are in any way suspicious or weird. 

She shouldn’t assume the worst. She shrugs and turns back around, to continue her conversation with her new friends until the professor arrives and the class begins. 

When the lecture finally ends, she still doesn’t see him as she stands up to leave. It still strikes her as quite strange, although she’s certain she’s reading too much into it. Whatever Junmyeon’s reason to disappear like that, it’s none of her concern anyway. 

It’s not like she has nothing to worry about that’s actually her own business. 

She meets up with Chanmi and Jongdae for lunch, but waits until they’re heading to class together to wrap her arm around Chanmi’s and lower her voice enough that not everyone passing by will hear her. “Could I take you up on that offer to come to your place tonight?” she asks, squeezing Chanmi’s arm gently. Yesterday was rough- unreasonably rough, and although she knew that she shouldn’t run away so soon already, she felt no desire to go back home that evening. “Unless you have plans or something.” 

“No, I’ve got nothing,” Chanmi chirps, pulling her arm free only to wrap it around Baekhee’s shoulders. “And even if I did, I would cancel it all for you, you know that. You could even stay at my place without me, you know how much mom and Yura adore you.” 

Baekhee says nothing, just shakes her head. Chanmi is too kind, and so is her family. Baekhee isn’t sure how much they know- she has never told them, but she supposes Chanmi must talk to them. Must have explained why Baekhee needs to sometimes spend the night, or a few, and why she doesn’t want to go home. 

“Thank you,” is all she settles for. It’s all that needs to be said, anyway.

But somehow visiting the Park home feels bittersweet this time. Usually she can just enjoy her time there, enjoy the pampering she gets from Chanmi’s mother and being treated like her third daughter, have fun laughing with Chanmi and watch TV as loudly as they want without having to fear for consequences- she likes that Chanmi’s mother never lets her help with cooking and fusses over her to make sure she’s eating enough, and likes it when Chanmi’s father comes home and talks to her with the same warmth he uses with his own daughters. She likes sitting together with them in the living room, all of them together, and likes that when Chanmi’s parents go to bed, they kiss their girls and Baekhee goodnight and just kindly ask them to lower their voices.

It’s so happy, so safe, and this house has been her safe haven ever since she met Chanmi. But tonight, the peacefulness is just twisting a knife in a wound, reminding her over and over again that she’ll never get to have this at home. Will never know happiness, in that place- will never get back the years she’s lost, will never get to replace the bad memories made. 

It’s not usually like this. This mood only hits her when things have been especially bad- when she’s struggling the most. She doesn’t want her time here to be tainted by her jealousy and bitterness, and usually it stays at bay, but tonight… tonight it just won’t leave her.

She tries to mask it, tries to not let it show, but Chanmi knows her all too well. 

“Did something happen?” Chanmi asks her as they lay in bed, curled up together. It’s how Baekhee likes it- likes knowing that she’s not alone, not even in the dead of night. It’s Chanmi who’s openly clingy, but it’s Baekhee who needs the comfort more. Chanmi is holding her hand, her thumb rubbing over the back of it, but it’s too dark to see her features, see the worried look on her face. 

Baekhee doesn’t want to tell her the truth. Yesterday, it was bad. There was screaming as soon as she stepped through the door, and tears and threats and all things horrible… She knows she should be used to it by now, but the pain never dulls, never quite goes away. 

She doesn’t know if she could talk about it without crying, and she doesn’t want that. Chanmi shouldn’t see her cry- she would only worry herself silly. 

But there’s something else they can talk about instead.

“Do you know Kim Junmyeon? He’s two years older than us, but he’s a freshman, like us. He’s taking the same classes as we are, too. And he was at the MT.” 

Chanmi’s thumb pauses mid movement, but then resumes the gentle caress. A silent sign that Chanmi isn’t going to fight her in her sudden change in topic. 

“I’ve never heard of him,” Chanmi admits, shrugging her shoulders. “What does he look like?” 

“He’s pretty short, and quite slim. Pretty face, but not so remarkable.” Baekhee finds it hard to really describe him- there’s something about him that escapes definitions. “Super symmetrical features but like, nothing extraordinary? Pale and preppily dressed, I guess.”

“I don’t think I’ve seen him.” Chanmi yawns, nuzzles closer to Baekhee. “So he’s music education major?” 

“Yeah, that’s why he was at the MT. He takes a lot of classes with me.” It’s there again- the odd feeling that something isn’t quite right, even if she cannot put her finger on it. “He knew who I was, when I talked to him for the first time.” 

“Huh.” Chanmi takes a moment to think. “But I’ve never heard the guy’s name in a roll call, so that’s strange. And he’s two years older? Did he enlist before enrolling? I didn’t know there was an oppa like that in our year. Are you sure he’s really a freshman?”

“Well that’s what he told me,” Baekhee huffs. “And I don’t know why he would lie about that. You’ve really not heard the name Kim Junmyeon before?” 

“No, but we could ask the boys if they have. Jongdae or Kyungsoo must know who he is, I’m sure.” Chanmi placates her with a gentle pat on the head, before wrapping her arms around her to pull her closer. “Why are you so interested? You fancy him or something?” 

“No,” Baekhee says with a giggle, wriggling in Chanmi’s hold. “I only met him at the MT and then today in class, so I was just wondering if you had met him or heard about him before. I don’t know. I guess it’s none of my business.”

“Everything’s your business, you live off gossip and knowing things about everyone,” Chanmi laughs. “Knowledge is your currency, don’t you tell me that all the time? I’m sure you’ll figure him out eventually. Let’s sleep, now, we have to be up early.” 

Chanmi isn’t wrong. Baekhee likes knowing people- likes knowing what makes them tick, likes knowing she can have them wrapped around her little finger. And by always talking about others, she never has to talk about herself, which is what matters even more. 

She still can’t shake this feeling though- there’s something about Junmyeon that lingers. It’s not like he seems dangerous, but he’s been impossible to figure out, even despite his startling honesty. Or maybe that’s exactly why.

“I’ll ask Jongdae and Kyungsoo about him first thing,” she murmurs, even as she lets her eyes slip closed. “First thing tomorrow.” 

But when she does break the question to them in the study lounge, they both shake their heads at her. “Never heard of him,” Kyungsoo says, idly scribbling in his notebook. “And I don’t forget names that easily. How does he look like?” 

Baekhee repeats the description she gave Chanmi the previous night, and both boys just stare at him in confusion. “That’s so vague, but it also doesn’t ring a bell,” Jongdae states. “Could you not be more specific?” 

“I mean, there’s not much to say,” Baekhee says with a frustrated sigh. “He’s got big eyes, very symmetrical features, dark eyebrows… Oh, he does have a scar, on the bridge of his nose, next to his eye. Not super noticeable, though. He’s about the same height as you guys, but slim, although he looks strong. Like he works out, or something.” 

“Nope, never seen or heard of him,” Jongdae confirms. “You said he was at the MT as well? For sure I would have run into him there, at least. Baekhee, are you sure you haven’t just… made him up?” 

Baekhee throws her pencil at him, ignoring the glares they earn when Jongdae yowls in pain a little too loudly. “I thought it might have just been a drunk… well, something, but I saw him in class yesterday! He’s real, I didn’t make him up.” 

Kyungsoo’s eyes are serious behind his thick glasses. “It’s just really odd,” he says, “that he’s supposedly a freshman like us and attends all of our classes, but none of us have ever seen him there. Or heard his name. That’s just… that just can’t be. There’s no explanation for that.” 

“I know, and that’s why I’m so frustrated,” Baekhee huffs. But she can also tell that the others aren’t so interested- after all, they’ve never met him, and why would they care about this ghost student? But it bugs Baekhee, because now she feels like her sanity is being questioned. It’s almost a matter of pride, to prove that she didn’t make him up.

But she also has no logical explanation to give. If the rest of the world doesn’t know about him… If his name is not on the roll call list, then how could he be attending? He did say he hasn’t made any friends, but he couldn’t be invisible, someone should know who he is. 

Yet no one does, and it doesn’t make any sense. 

“Fine, maybe I got the name wrong. Maybe it wasn’t Kim Junmyeon, I don’t know.” Baekhee knows there’s no way out of this but to give in- give up. She really doesn’t believe she made a mistake, but she can’t keep insisting that. “I’ll show him to you next time I see him, maybe you’ll recognize him then.” 

“Maybe.” Chanmi smiles at her, and pats her knee. “I’m sure there’s a simple explanation for all of this. I’m positive.” 

Baekhee somehow doesn’t quite agree, but she says nothing of it. She’s the only one who truly cares about this- she’s the one who has to figure it out. 

She’ll get to the bottom of this. She hates being in the wrong about anything. She’ll figure him out, no matter what it takes. 

If only she could have known then what that would truly entail.


	2. Chapter 2

Junmyeon avoids her for a couple of days, or so it at least feels like to Baekhee. The boy is nowhere to be seen, not even in class, and all of Baekhee’s friends were right; his name is not on any of the roll call lists. But this time, she does not forget about him- in fact, she spends a great deal of time thinking about him, developing theories to explain the mystery. She doesn’t come any closer to conclusion though, because she has no leads, but even despite the growing frustration, she doesn’t really mind so much. At least it keeps her thoughts away from everything happening at home. 

It’s late at night when she runs into him again. She leaves the library on campus among the last ones to go home; she would have rather gone out drinking to waste the time, but couldn’t find anyone willing to join her, so the library was her only choice even though she spent her time playing games on her phone. But now she’s tired, and hungry, and the building manager would lock the doors soon anyway. It was time to go home. 

She doesn’t see or hear him until he’s walking right next to her, their strides falling in sync as they leave the building. “Hello there,” Junmyeon greets her softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Late study session?” 

He startles her a little, but Baekhee does her best to suppress her knee jerk reaction. It’s not his fault she wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. “No, I wasn’t studying,” she says with a quiet laugh. “Just wasting time, I guess. You? It’s not midterm season quite yet- although I haven’t seen you in class all week. I was starting to think you dropped out or something.” 

Junmyeon looks away, his arms crossed over his chest defensively. “I’ve been there,” he murmurs. “I just sit at the back, so you didn’t see me I guess.”

Baekhee can’t help but scoff at the obvious lie. “No, I’ve been trying to talk to you since our last chat,” she retorts, adjusting the strap of her bag. “I know for a fact you have been nowhere to be found. I even asked around, you know, and no one had even heard your name before. It’s almost like you don’t exist, dude. What’s up with that?” 

For a brief moment, it feels like she sees right through him. Not in the figurative sense- it’s almost like he actually blends in with the shadows, the darkness of the night around them. But as soon as she blinks, the illusion in gone, and he’s still walking right next to her, like nothing had happened. She really is more tired than she thought. She hasn’t been getting much sleep lately, coming home late and sneaking up before her mother wakes up to avoid talking to her, the one sleepover with Chanmi not helping much. 

“I… It’s complicated, Baekhee,” Junmyeon actually whispers this time. “It’s, it’s hard to explain. I can’t explain. I just, I’m just- I do attend, I do. I don’t know why you haven’t seen me, or why your friends haven’t heard of me. But I told you, I haven’t made any friends yet.” 

“But none of the professors call your name when they’re taking attendance,” Baekhee keeps pressing. This has been bothering her so much that she isn’t willing to let it go so easily, although she does feel kind of bad- Junmyeon seems anxious and upset, and it’s the last thing Baekhee wants to make anyone feel. 

“I’m too shy,” Junmyeon answers after a beat of silence. “I can’t… I can’t raise my voice in the class, and such. I’ve… we’ve agreed that I don’t have to.” 

“Really?” It’s something Baekhee didn’t even consider, and she isn’t fully convinced. Junmyeon’s outlines blur again, fade into the dark and then come back to focus. She really needs to get sleep. “I really think I would have seen you in class if you did come, though. I’ve been trying to talk to you, so I kept looking for you. How did I not see you?” 

The silence stretches on, only the sound of their footsteps and the slow traffic surrounding them. Junmyeon seems all the more upset, his eyes cast down and mouth pressed into a thin line. Baekhee can only guess what he’s thinking.

“It’s hard to explain,” he repeats himself when Baekhee has already given up hope that he would grace her with a response. “Baekhee, I… I wish I could. I wish… But I cannot. It’s not so simple.” 

His tone is pleading, begging her to let it go, and Baekhee reluctantly does. He’s hiding something, that much is clear, but he isn’t going to tell her the truth. Not yet, at least- it sounds like he’s tempted, even if only slightly, and perhaps now is just not the right time.

Baekhee wants answers, but she can wait a little longer. 

“Well, if you want to make new friends, I could introduce you to my friends,” she says. They’re nearing her bus stop. “They would love to meet you. Kyungsoo is just like you, quiet and serious, I think you would get along great. Jongdae is a loud motherfucker and Chanmi is the most precious chick on campus, but they’re super social like me. You wouldn’t have to worry about making conversation.” 

Junmyeon flashes her the tiniest smile, timid and reserved. “I don’t think anyone could possibly be a match to how social you are, Baekhee,” he points out. “I’ve seen you in class- you know everyone, talk to everyone like you’ve known them forever. Even me.” 

Baekhee shrugs, and slowly trails to a stop as they reach the bus stop. “Well, it’s just how I am,” she says simply. “I like people. I like attention, too, and I like making people smile. It makes me happy.” Somehow, Junmyeon makes her speak her mind more honestly than she usually would- she wouldn’t usually explain her motivations so sincerely, not to someone who has no business knowing. “Nothing more to it than that, really.” 

“It’s a gift, to have that kind of quality about you.” Junmyeon’s eyes are piercing for a moment, in the bright, hostile light of the street light above them. “You’re just so…”

“Bright and beautiful? Yeah, you’ve told me.” Baekhee grins, and Junmyeon lets out a startled chuckle. 

“Yes, I guess I have. But what I was going to say was enigmatic. You draw people to you, they all want to be in your presence. Even me, even though I know I don’t deserve it.” Junmyeon looks away as he says the last sentence, and again, it’s almost like his outlines flicker in and out of focus. Baekhee squints her eyes, and it’s gone just like that, before she can be certain of anything. 

“You just said I’m friends with everyone. Sure that includes you as well, don’t you think? So don’t even worry about it. But I think my bus is coming, that one at the traffic lights over there, so I’ll see in class next week, yeah?” She’s somewhat glad that their conversation is over- Junmyeon was once again steering to a territory where Baekhee doesn’t know how to navigate. She understands now that Junmyeon probably is drawn to her, just how he says everyone else is, but why is he so keen on revealing all these things about himself? This is only the third time they talk, so why does he trust her so much? 

She’s not any closer to figuring him out than she was when they spoke last. 

“I’ll see you around,” Junmyeon quietly says as the bus pulls up, and Baekhee reaches out with her hand to gesture for it to stop. She only flashes him a smile before hopping in. She pulls her travel card out of her bag and shows it to the scanner, before taking a seat in the almost empty bus. But as she turns towards the stop to wave Junmyeon one last goodbye, she realizes with a start that he’s no longer to be seen- he’s vanished, like he never existed there at all, leaving behind no sign of himself. Even glancing up and down the street, she cannot see him, and chills travel through her body. 

It’s not the first time Junmyeon has done this, and something about it isn’t right. It bugs her- but she knows she’s so tired she’s been seeing things, so maybe this is nothing more than that. 

There has to be a logical explanation, she knows it. 

She settles into her seat and pulls her headphones out of her bag. The bus ride takes some forty-five minutes, her last reprieve, and she does her best to just quiet her mind. Listen to music and let the scenery pass by, moving out of the center of the city towards more residential areas. Her family is hardly middle class, and the apartment building they live in is old and a bit shabby looking on the outside, tucked behind a row of small restaurants and grocery stores. Baekhee walks up the hill with heavy steps, tension settling in her body the closer she gets. She’d smoke one last cigarette, but she knows the smell would be too pungent in her clothes if she did, so she just grits her teeth and enters the building. 

The light doesn’t turn on in the staircase, but she knows her way even without it. She punches in the key code in the lock and the door whirs as the lock turns, allowing her inside. But as soon as she pulls it open and she sees that the light is on in the living room, she knows that she should have stayed out longer. 

She should have checked the windows, before coming. 

“Baekhee? Is that you?” Her mother’s voice is quiet, strained. It sounds like she’s been crying, which Baekhee hates even more than her anger. It’s one thing to have her shout at her, scold her and humiliate her, because at least Baekhee can then scream back- can storm out of the house, and not feel a single thing. Or she can just let it wash over her, take it all in and just feel justified in her own rage, in the knowledge that it’s unfair. Like this- like this, she can’t fight back. 

When she’s playing the martyr card, there’s nothing for Baekhee to do but to pity her, try to lift her up even when she wants to dwell in her own tragedy. 

“Yes, it’s me. Baekbom doesn’t live here, he wouldn’t come over unannounced.” She tries to keep her tone level while kicking her shoes off, even though she knows her words are a bit harsh. But who else would it be but her? Her brother no longer lives with them, not after he got married, and she sure hopes that her father would be home by now. It’s past midnight, since she took the last bus home. 

“I know, I’m stupid for even asking.” Her voice is already cracking, the tears not far away, and Baekhee has to swallow back the taste of bile rising in her throat. She doesn’t want to do this, doesn’t want to hear this. “Your old mother is such an idiot, a stupid high school graduate who knows nothing how it’s like to attend university and who asks her smart daughter stupid questions every time she walks through the door. It must be a burden.” 

“You know that’s not true, ma.” Baekhee can barely get the words out, and she doesn’t even look in the direction of the living room before heading to her room to set her bag and jacket down. She doesn’t linger though, walking right back out and into the kitchen. 

It’s a mess- dirty dishes and takeout bags, as well as empty snack and candy wrappers thrown around. It’s a pigsty, and she knows that her mother isn’t going to clean it up. If she wants her father to wake up to a clean house and breakfast on the table, she will have to prepare it now. It’s not often that she really bothers because she knows that he doesn’t expect her to, but sometimes the responsibility hits her like a wall of bricks. As much as she would like to not care anymore, she still does. 

When her mother hears the water start running as Baekhee tackles the dishes, she speaks up again. “I’ve been in so much pain all day today… I couldn’t get anything done… I was going to clean and cook, but I couldn’t. I’m so useless, Baekhee-yah. A useless wife and a useless mother…” 

“It’s alright,” Baekhee replies. “You’re unwell, it’s alright…” But she has been unwell for years now, and Baekhee has lost all hope that she’ll ever be better. 

Of course, it’s not her fault that she’s ill. Baekhee understands that. But she is guilty of poisoning their entire family- using Baekhee as her crutch, confiding in her from a very young age and pushing all this responsibility on her long before she could handle it. Making sure that no one can escape her suffering. Nothing else matters but her; no one else is important but her. She may not do it on purpose, but she’s emotionally manipulative, which is exactly what she’s doing right now; making Baekhee do all this emotional labor, show and prove her love and care to counter her harsh words about herself. It hurts, it hurts so terribly that it makes Baekhee angry, yet like this… she can’t fight back. 

She can hear her cry, and tries to drown it out by humming under her breath. Pretending that she doesn’t hear, doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s not that she doesn’t care- but she’s tired of it. Tired of sacrificing herself to take care of someone who should be taking care of her instead. 

With the dishes done, she gets to preparing a small meal for her father, who will leave for work early in the morning. He’s learned a lot of house work, ever since his wife became ill, but cooking has never been something he’s been good at. Baekhee quickly and neatly cooks a small pot of stew for him to heat up in the morning, and makes a simple stir-fry out of tofu and vegetables. He can fry an egg for himself and cook the rice in the morning, so it’ll be hot and fluffy to eat. 

It isn’t much, but Baekhee is exhausted, and her heart is in pain, listening to her mother weep in the living room. 

“You should go to bed, ma,” she says as she finishes up, rinsing out the dishes she dirtied quickly. “It’s getting late. You need to sleep.”

“I can’t, it hurts too much,” she responds with, just how Baekhee knew she would. 

“Then take a sleeping pill. It’ll help.” She wipes down the counters, and then pours herself a glass of water. Her stomach is grumbling at her, but she chooses to ignore it. The sooner she can get to bed, the better. 

“They make me nauseous.” Again, a response Baekhee knew to expect. It’s frustrating to have these pattern conversations day in day out, like time never moves here, but she doesn’t want to fight. Doesn’t have it in her, tonight. 

“I should just die, it would be easier on you and your father.” It’s quiet, a whisper, and Baekhee wouldn’t have heard it if she wasn’t completely still. It makes her freeze, her breath getting caught in her throat, before hot anger flushes through her like flames blazing up. Her hands begin to shake and for a moment she just stands there, stunned, not quite believing her own ears.

“Stop that kind of talk right now!” She marches into the living room then, fuming. She finds her mother in her usual spot, in an armchair, a blanket over her legs and tears streaming down her face. The TV is on, casting the room in an ominous light now that her mother turned off the ceiling lamp. “You don’t talk like that! You can’t say things like that to me, or to anyone! It’s so unfair!” She can barely hold herself back from screaming, her whole body numb with her anger. Her mother has said a lot of awful things, but this- this is something else. 

“It’s true-” her mother begins, but Baekhee’s had enough. She’s tried so hard to be patient with her, but this is too much. How it feels to hear her own mother say that, she cannot even begin to describe it- it’s anger, it’s fear, it’s sadness and disappointment, all of the emotions balled up into one, giant mess.

How could she say it so easily, like it wouldn’t drive Baekhee mad with worry, guilt, and fear that she actually means what she says? 

“You do not say things like that, ever,” she hisses, pointing her finger at her. “You can say anything else you want to make me feel guilty and horrible for leaving you here, but that you do not get to say, not to me. Is it not enough that I already carry the responsibility of this home by myself? Now you want me to feel responsible for your life as well, is that what it is? It’s not right, ma. You can’t do this to me.” 

Perhaps it would be fair to let her mother speak her mind, let her respond, but Baekhee feels like crying, and she cannot give in to tears in front of her. Cannot show her pain, because it has no space. She turns around on her heels and heads to her room, closing the door behind her and diving into bed, not even bothering to get undressed. 

It’s not the first time her mother has said such things- and Baekhee understands that she’s depressed. Locked up in this house, unwell and constantly in pain, it cannot be easy on her. But just because she understands, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to deal with. There have been times when she did wish she would die, because it was so difficult… but faced with the possibility that she could take her own life, it scares Baekhee beyond reason. It’s a terrifying thing to hear her say, and it makes her feel so powerless.

There’s nothing she can do to help her, and no matter what she does, things still don’t get any better. In this house, nothing ever changes. 

It was easier, when she lived away. Moving back home after she finished high school, it’s been so tiring- having to come home and experience the misery for herself, it’s painful. It’s frightening. Most of the time, she avoids coming home as much as she can, but that only works for so long. This is where she’s supposed to live, she has nowhere to run.   
Nothing in this house matters but her mother and her illness. She feels so small and useless here- the attention she gets from her peers is the only thing that reminds her she’s still alive, that she still exists. That there’s still laughter, and hope.

She wipes at her eyes angrily and pulls the covers over her head, curling up in her bed to sleep. She’ll sneak out in the morning before her mother wakes up, to avoid talking to her. And she’ll put on a brave face for her friends, for the people who look at her- at least she can make them happy, even if she cannot do that for her mother.

*****

Elusive Junmyeon. That’s what Baekhee settles for, when once more, she doesn’t see even a glimpse of him for several days. It simply doesn’t make any sense- she tells herself not to be so obsessed over some guy she hardly even knows, but the mystery of it all, it intrigues her. She wants to know her like she’s gotten to know everyone else, and giving up seems like a failure. And perhaps even more importantly, she wants to show him to her friends, if not for anything else then to show them that she hasn’t imagined it all. 

And then, one morning, he’s sitting in an empty class room like it’s nothing. Like he hasn’t been missing for almost a week. He’s seated at the very back once more, his backpack in his lap and hunched over a piece of paper that he keeps doodling on, but when he hears Baekhee’s footsteps he looks up, and smiles. It’s such a pretty smile, Baekhee thinks; it makes his cheeks bunch up and his eyes turn into crescents, and it gives his face so much personality. He should smile more. 

“Where have you been?” Baekhee knows she keeps repeating herself in front of him, but it’s always on her mind. “I’ve been looking for you, again. You weren’t in this class last time, that’s for sure.” 

Junmyeon’s smile wilts a little, just ever so slightly. “You keep looking for me,” he points out. “I don’t know why, Baekhee. What do you need me for, when you have so many friends? So many people like you surrounding you. Why do you keep looking for me?” 

Baekhee has no good answer to that, but she’s always been quick on her feet. “I said I would introduce you to my friends,” she says casually, shrugging her shoulders, twirling with the ends of the silk scarf she has tied around her head. “That’s why. I didn’t want to break my promise.” 

“You’re a very good person.” Junmyeon says it so sincerely- but that is how he says everything. “But you don’t need to. They don’t have to be my friends- you don’t have to be either. It’s alright.” 

“No, I’m friends with everyone.” Baekhee knows she sounds petulant, but she hardly cares. “Oppa, you can’t tell me not to be your friend. That’s not something you can say, alright?” It rubs her the wrong way- it’s the kind of thing her mother would say, and she can’t bear to hear it from anyone else’s lips. “Unless you don’t want to be _my_ friend.” 

It’s a low blow, and she knows it. But despite it, she even juts out her bottom lip to emphasize her words. No one has ever been heartless enough to be able to resist her, and Junmyeon doesn’t seem to be an exception. Baekhee can see how his resolve grumbles, bit by bit, although she does glimpse relief in his gaze; almost as though he had hoped to be persuaded to give in.

“Of course I want to be your friend.” Junmyeon’s voice can be so soft, so pleasant, when he’s not high strung or sad. “I’m just… I think I’m just too used to being invisible. It’s easier to not change my ways… I know I said I wanted to make friends, but it’s been so hard. I think, it would be easier to just let things be how they are. It’s alright.” 

But Baekhee won’t hear it. “No, I’m helping you make friends,” she insists. “Sure, it won’t be easy, but you can do it. You made friends with me, didn’t you?” 

“Because I couldn’t resist your light.” Junmyeon looks at her like she’s something special, something unusually beautiful, and that is a feeling that Baekhee could get used to. It’s not how most boys look at her, with want and curiosity, or even how girls look at her. She’s never experienced anything like it. 

Nothing about Junmyeon is usual or common place, which is probably why he’s been so hard to erase from her mind. 

She decides to try a different tactic. “You’re not happy like this,” she claims boldly, and she knows she hits the nail on the head. Junmyeon turns his head away, curls in on himself- he’s all too easy to read, like this, even if completely surrounded in mystery. “You’re not happy when you’re lonely. You said it yourself. You wanted to make friends. You shouldn’t give up just because it’s more difficult than staying as you are.” 

She knows how loneliness feels- she knows how it’s like not to be able to share your deepest struggles with anyone else. She just does her best to surround herself with people, so she would never have to feel that way. She wants to help Junmyeon too, if she can. And she knows that she could. 

“Maybe.” Junmyeon’s voice is full of hesitation, now. “I mean, I know you’re right. But it’s easier said than done.” 

“That’s the point. But I’m here to help you, so you don’t have to do it alone.” Baekhee smiles down at him. She would touch him, try and comfort him, because she’s a naturally clingy person, but Junmyeon doesn’t look like he would welcome that right now. “I’ll introduce you to my friends, so they can be your friends too.” 

“You don’t have to help.” Junmyeon still won’t look at her. Baekhee knows a thing or two about that as well- not wanting to admit to weakness by accepting help. But because she knows it, she knows not to give in in the face of such refusal. 

“I like to help. It makes me feel good, too. You can just focus on that, if it makes you feel more at ease. I’m not going through any trouble for you, I’m doing this for myself- so I can feel pleased that I did something good.” She can tell that her words take Junmyeon by surprise a little, but in the end, he chuckles a little. 

“Yes, I guess we’re all selfish in our own ways. You want to help me because it makes you feel better, and I want to stay in your light because it makes me feel warm.” Junmyeon says it so softly, so longingly, that it makes something in Baekhee ache. Something about Junmyeon makes it obvious that he’s been through a lot of hurt and pain in his life, and although Baekhee doesn’t know what it is, it’s palpable in everything Junmyeon says and does. 

Suddenly, she hears a familiar voice coming from the hallway. “They’re here,” she chirps merrily, clapping her hands together once in excitement. “That’s Jongdae, and I can hear Chanmi laughing as well. Oh, I’ll introduce them to you now! There’s never going to be a better time than this, right?” 

Junmyeon looks suddenly nervous, but Baekhee doesn’t think twice about it. It’s only natural, after all. “Baekhee…” But she doesn’t listen, either. Her friends are now close and she rushes to the doorway to greet them, falling into Chanmi’s arms with ease like she’s used to doing, hugging her fiercely before shoving Jongdae with her shoulder and giving Kyungsoo a fond smile. 

“Guys, I want you to meet someone,” she says, and spins around to face Junmyeon. But to her utmost bewilderment, he’s nowhere to be seen- his seat is empty, and all of his belongings are gone with him. Once again, it’s as though he never was there in the first place. Like he never existed. 

Stunned, she can only stare at the empty seat, mixed emotions swirling through her head. She can’t believe it- Junmyeon couldn’t have possibly left the classroom, with her and her friends blocking the doorway, yet he’s no longer there. He’s gone. It’s not only impossible, but it also makes her angry, and betrayed- she told him she would introduce him to her group of friends, and he just vanishes, somehow. Into thin air. 

“Who is it?” Chanmi crowds closer to her behind her, peering over Baekhee’s shoulder to look around the empty classroom. “Who did you want us to meet?” 

Baekhee is lost for words. “He was right there…” But it’s no use. Junmyeon is gone. Vanished. 

“Who?” Jongdae pushes past her, and walks into the room, into his usual seat in the middle row. “We heard you talking, when we were walking here. Who was it? Where’d they go?” 

It just doesn’t make any sense. Baekhee opens her mouth, closes it. Stares, blinks, and stares again. But Junmyeon doesn’t come back. She wants to scream out of frustration, yet at the same time, she finds herself scared. What if she’s really imagining him? What if he really isn’t real? What if… what if he’s just a ghost? No one else knows him, no one else has ever heard of him, and no one else can see him, but her. She only ever sees him when they’re alone, when no one else is there to witness it.

What if he isn’t real? 

Kyungsoo squeezes her shoulder gently, steadies her through his touch. When Baekhee meets his eyes, they’re full of genuine concern. As aloof as he can be, he cares- he cares a lot. “Are you alright?” he asks, stroking down Baekhee’s arm although not without glancing at Chanmi to gauge her reaction. But Chanmi seems equally concerned now, instead of showing jealousy over the fact that Kyungsoo would touch someone else like so. 

“Yes, yes I am.” It’s an automatic response, one Baekhee doesn’t even have to think about. One that tumbles out of her mouth in any situation, because she could never reveal the full truth. Only Chanmi could ever get her to answer honestly- she doesn’t trust Kyungsoo or Jongdae like that yet. “It’s just, well. Never mind. I guess I’ll introduce you guys to him later. So, what have you guys been up to? Why didn’t anyone bring me coffee?” 

It’s not the smoothest transition, but her friends accept it for what it is. Clearly, she doesn’t want to talk about it, and Baekhee is stubborn enough that she will not do anything she doesn’t want to do. They know that, and wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She’s grateful for it, although she does avoid Chanmi’s eyes because she can tell she’s feeling worried. Of course she is.

Baekhee loves her, but she cannot deal with the care and affection right now. She needs distance, to sort her thoughts, and she’s glad that the class begins soon after, so they cannot talk.

She keeps glancing behind her, but Junmyeon is still nowhere to be seen. The seat remains empty.

Where did he go? Baekhee doesn’t understand, and her head hurts. She tugs on a strand of her hair agitatedly, frustrated with the situation. 

She’s always known there’s something wrong with Junmyeon, something more than what meets the eye, but now she’s a little afraid of the answer. But even so, she’d rather it was him who wasn’t right, than have this all be a figment of her imagination.

*****

After classes end that day, Baekhee drags her friends to a café called Kamong for coffee and snacks. “We can’t all just head home,” she insists with a pout. “You’re all such home buddies. Come out and have fun with me for once. They’re having a special offer, two americanos for the price of one! C’mon, it’ll be fun.” 

“I have work later,” Kyungsoo says, glancing at his watch. “So I can’t stay long. But I guess I could still come.” 

“Yay,” Chanmi cheers, her smile reaching from ear to ear. She’s always happy to have Kyungsoo join them, for obvious reasons, but also because he so rarely does. Baekhee is pleased too, knowing how much fun Chanmi is going to have hanging out with Kyungsoo. Jongdae just shrugs his shoulders and agrees, not wanting to be the killjoy now that everyone else has agreed to go. 

It’s a quiet day at the café, and they sit down downstairs with their drinks and waffles. Baekhee can feel the tension from earlier bleed out of her, as she just sits there and enjoys their company; it’s another couple of hours where she doesn’t have to go home yet, and it sets her at ease. For now- she still has to find a way to spend her time until it’s past midnight and safe to go home, or even find a place to spend the night. But she’s used to it by now, and doesn’t normally even worry about it- something will always come up. It’s just that today, she’s more on edge, after what happened with Junmyeon. She really, really needs to take her mind off everything stressful.

“A lot of foreigners here,” Jongdae points out, sipping on his americano. “Is this a famous chain or something? I’ve never heard of this place.” 

Baekhee shrugs her shoulders, her shirt slipping down. Chanmi reaches over to fix it for her, her eyes never having left Baekhee all day. Clearly, her worries have not subsided, despite Baekhee’s best efforts to convince her she’s quite alright. Precious Chanmi. Baekhee is so sure she doesn’t deserve her. 

“I think this place is owned and run by the sisters of some famous boy group member, she says in a hushed voice so her words wouldn’t carry all the way upstairs, where the women are working behind the counter. “So the fans come here a lot. I don’t think the guy shows up very often, but of course it’s still exciting for the fans.” 

“Ah.” Jongdae scrunches his nose in distaste, and Baekhee bursts into laughter. Chanmi giggles as well, although her attention is divided, between the conversation and Kyungsoo who is just silently eating his waffle. 

“Give me some of that,” Chanmi asks him, and Kyungsoo just shakes his head, pulling the plate further away from her. Chanmi whines, grabbing his arm, and continues to plead with him until he finally gives in, and lets her have a bite of it. Jongdae and Baekhee exchange looks, fond but exasperated; it’s cute to see them flirting, in their own awkward way, but also they’ve been going at it for weeks now. They both would rather they finally addressed the elephant in the room, and just got on with it. It’s so obvious that they like each other, so what’s taking so long? 

Baekhee would meddle, but she would hate to ruin what they have. She doesn’t want to risk it- doesn’t want to chance losing Chanmi over it. 

Time passes all too quickly like this, and it’s still too soon when Kyungsoo sighs and makes to leave. “I have to get to work,” he says, gesturing towards the door. “I have to be there in fifteen minutes, and I’m going to be late if I don’t leave now. I don’t want to lose my job.” 

Chanmi follows his example, grabbing her jacket, and Baekhee makes a noise in protest. “We could still stay here and hang out,” she tells Chanmi and Jongdae, flashing them her most charming smile. “You’re not in a hurry to go anywhere, are you?” 

Chanmi looks at her guiltily. “I promised to help mom with cooking today, she wants to make side dishes today,” she says. “You could come, though. Mom would love to have more help, and she would love to see you again.” 

The memory of her last visit to the Park house is still fresh in Baekhee’s mind, and so is the sadness she felt the entire time. She doesn’t want to go, and she’s angry at herself for it. The Park household is meant to be her safe haven, but today… today, she cannot go. 

“No, that’s fine. Jongdae-yah, you’re not doing anything today, right?” She turns to look at Jongdae, but he also shakes his head.

“My brother is visiting with his wife today, so I have to go,” he replies. “You know how it is. Quality time with the family, and all.” 

Baekhee doesn’t know, but she doesn’t let her smile falter. “Well, I guess I’ll hang out with Kyungsoo, then,” she says without missing a beat, bouncing up on her feet with the others. “I was starting to get a little hungry, so that’s perfect.”

“Hang out with me? But I’m going to work.” Kyungsoo looks at her, eyes comically wide. “You can’t hang out with me.”

“Of course I can. I’ll come to the restaurant to eat. You’ll sneak me freebies and I’ll make you laugh when you’re taking orders from the customers.” Baekhee won’t listen to the rest of his arguments, and simply slips her arm around his to lead him out of the café. At least, her antics make Chanmi and Jongdae laugh, which is a relief. The last thing she wants is for them to worry about leaving her by herself.

She’s been to the restaurant Kyungsoo works at a few times, but never by herself. It’s a little silly, sitting at a dalkgalbi restaurant alone, and perhaps under other circumstances, they wouldn’t even let her because it’s not a dish you usually eat alone. But Kyungsoo explains the situation to his manager, who lets her be seated next to the door to the kitchen where no one wants to be seated, since it’s quite loud and busy with the waiters coming and going with the large pans. Not that she minds, however, because like this, she can exchange a few words with Kyungsoo every time he comes back from serving a customer, and the people Kyungsoo works with are all quite happy to make conversation with her as well. 

After a while, the flow of customers slows down, enough for Kyungsoo to sit down across from her for a moment. “My manager just went home, so she can’t get mad at me,” Kyungsoo says in a stage whisper. “We’ll call this my first break as well, so. No reason to scold me for sitting down for a moment.” 

“Good thinking.” Baekhee feeds him a piece of chewy rice cake from the stir fry. “Everything here is so delicious, we need to start coming here more often.”

“Please don’t, you’re such a difficult customer.” Kyungsoo gets a kick in the shin from Baekhee, although she can’t hold back her grin. It’s taken a while to get Kyungsoo to relax and start joking with them, so it feels special every time that he does. In moments like these, Baekhee understands better why Chanmi likes him so much. 

But Kyungsoo’s playful mood vanishes just as fast as it came. “About this morning,” he says, pouring himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table. “Are you sure you’re alright? You looked like you had seen a ghost or something, that’s how shell-shocked you seemed. What happened? And don’t try to dodge the question. You’re a slippery little thing when you want to be, but I’m not having it.” 

Kyungsoo is so stern, even in his worry, and it’s one part endearing, one part frustrating. Baekhee has never been in the receiving end of it, and it really takes her by surprise. She had thought that they had let the subject go by now- there was no need to bring it up again. She didn’t come here to talk about upsetting things, after all. 

She purposefully stuffs her mouth with more teokk, taking her time chewing. But Kyungsoo just stares at her, patiently waiting for her to say something. And as stubborn as Baekhee can be, she knows that she will have to offer Kyungsoo an explanation of some kind. There’s no doubt in her mind that Kyungsoo will keep bringing this up until he’s satisfied with the response he gets. 

Sometimes it would be easier if people didn’t care about her, Baekhee thinks to herself. They shouldn’t care so much, so that they wouldn’t have to worry. It’s upsetting, even if she doesn’t know why. 

She wants to be seen, but not down to her deepest core. 

“I just thought I had seen Junmyeon come in to the classroom,” she finally says. “But I guess I must have been day dreaming or something. Clearly he wasn’t there, was he? So, it must have been my mind playing tricks on me. I was quite tired. I didn’t sleep so well last night.” 

Only the last sentence is true. Her mother was feeling confrontational the previous night, attacking Baekhee the moment she walked through the door, blaming her for the unfinished housework and for spending all that time outside having fun when she had responsibilities at home. Baekhee had been stuck arguing her for hours, while she angrily completed every single chore in the house, despite knowing that it would not satisfy her mother. The housework was only an excuse to take her frustration out on her daughter, and Baekhee knew that- yet she played a long, because that is the power her manipulative mother holds over her. 

Kyungsoo frowns at her. She knows it’s a bullshit excuse, but it’s all she can say. It’s not like she could tell the truth- he’d never believe her, anyway. She maintains eye contact and pops some more food in her mouth, doing her best to seem unfazed, silently daring Kyungsoo to call her out on her lies. 

He doesn’t. 

“You’re still thinking about him? Why does he plague your thoughts so much? Is there a reason for it?” Kyungsoo takes out another pair of chopsticks from the drawer underneath the table, and takes a piece of chicken from the stir fry to eat, gnawing around the bone. “You don’t even think this much about the guys you’ve slept with.”

Kyungsoo isn’t saying that unkindly, and Baekhee knows what he means. Baekhee has made it very clear she isn’t looking for a long-term relationship, and is very open about her sexual conquests. It’s nothing she’s ashamed of, after all. And she also understands Kyungsoo’s point- she’s never been this troubled about anyone before, no matter how much she’s liked them or been interested in them. 

It’s strange, she admits as much. 

“It’s just, there’s something about him.” She struggles to find the words. “I’ve run into him, on campus. The conversations I have with him, they’re so strange. And he’s so lonely, I guess, that he’s just so… drawn to anyone who will listen. It’s why I wanted him to meet you guys, too. So he wouldn’t feel that way anymore.” 

Kyungsoo’s eyes are sharp as he regards her silently, weighing her words as he finishes eating the piece of chicken and sets the bone aside. “I guess it’s unfair of me to be surprised that you care so much about someone,” he says. “It’s not like I haven’t realized that you have a caring heart, despite what you’d like the world to believe. I just didn’t think you would care so much about someone you barely know, is all.” 

“You’re good. Do you spend all the time you’re silent just judging us and writing personality analyses about us?” Baekhee waves her chopsticks at him, making him chuckle. It’s what she wanted- the serious atmosphere was getting suffocating. “I guess you’re right. I’m not as quick to grow attached to people, not like Chanmi is. I don’t know. Something about Junmyeon is just… It sticks with me.” 

“Does he remind you of someone?” Kyungsoo asks. He probably doesn’t mean much by it, is simply asking it out of curiosity, but it startles Baekhee with how true it actually is.   
Junmyeon does remind her of someone- of herself, but she would never tell anyone such. Revealing weakness is the last thing she’s willing to do. 

“I don’t know.” She casts her eyes down and hopes that Kyungsoo doesn’t catch her lie. “Anyway. What are you doing this weekend? Chanmi said she wanted to go to a noraebang. It would be nice if we could all go.” 

Bringing up Chanmi does the trick, and Kyungsoo lets the subject drop. “I uh, I think I have a shift on Sunday,” he says, and Baekhee could swear there’s a faint blush on his cheeks now. “So I could come on Friday. Saturday even, but I would have to leave early.” 

“Let’s say Friday, then,” Baekhee agrees easily. “Chanmi had no plans and I don’t think Jongdae has any either. It’s going to be fun.” 

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo glances back at the restaurant over his shoulder. It’s gotten busier again, and he wipes his mouth, makes to stand up to get back to work. “What are you going to do tonight, then? Head home now?” 

Baekhee shakes her head without thinking. “I’ll think of something,” she says easily, waving her hand dismissively. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow, yeah?” She also begins to gather her things, having eaten her fill. It’s not late yet, so she’ll have a few more hours to kill before she can even think of heading home. But she doesn’t want Kyungsoo to worry about that. “Don’t forget to bring Chanmi that Pokémon game you promised her.” 

The color on Kyungsoo’s cheeks deepens. “Gosh, that just sounds like we’re in preschool again,” he huffs, rolling up his sleeves. “But no, I won’t forget. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pats Baekhee on the shoulder and disappears into the kitchen like that. He’s adorable, Baekhee thinks to herself as she gets up and walks up to the counter to pay for her meal. So oblivious to the fact that everyone knows just how much he adores Chanmi. Baekhee just hopes that one of them is brave enough to act on their emotions before it’s too late, because not all crushes last that long. 

The air is chilly against her skin as she steps out of the restaurant, but she doesn’t linger outside for much longer. She knows all the bars in the area, and slips into one without much consideration, descending the narrow stairs into the noise of the crowd. It’s a small place with only the mere basics; long tables, a line of fridges for booze on one wall, and a small counter with usually only one staff member taking care of the entire place. It’s a place where you take your own drinks freely from the fridges, and pay for it all before you leave. Baekhee knows that even at a place like this, a girl drinking all by herself is an odd sight, but she frequents the place often enough that she knows the staff isn’t going to ask her to leave. It’s a weeknight after all, so there are plenty of empty tables. She’s not taking up space from more paying customers. 

Not that she will have to be alone for long. If no one will approach her, she will find her way into a group of people on her own. It’s true on most nights and it’s also true tonight, as a group of college students sits down next to her and invites her to join them, once they’ve gathered enough courage to talk to a complete stranger. Baekhee is more than happy to- drinking alone has never been her thing, and she finds that loud conversation drowns out the sadness much better than any amount of alcohol. 

Although it does help, and the guys in the group are eager to have her drink more. Probably in the hopes of her being easier to persuade into following one of them home- Baekhee finds their cheap tricks laughable, although she doesn’t say it. It’s better to just pretend that she falls for it, because that’s what they like. It’s what makes them so pleased, and it makes breaking the illusion even better when they think they’ve got her, when they’re so sure they’ve got her drunk and helpless and she can drop the act to show that she’s not only witty but also capable of drinking anyone under the table. 

It’s exciting, although the more she keeps doing this, the duller it becomes. At first, it was all new- charming men and women in bars, drinking and following strangers home, sneaking out in the morning to hurry to class, sharing her scandalous stories with her friends. Now, it’s getting stale already, because it’s always the same pattern, over and over, no matter who it is with. People are so easy, Baekhee thinks. Too easy to read, too easy to toy with. 

She’s learnt the art of emotional manipulation from the best, after all. 

Tonight, she goes a little too heavy on the alcohol, and she doesn’t quite realize it until she stands up to use the bathroom and the full weight of it hits her at once. Her legs buckle, just slightly, and she has to grab onto someone’s shoulder as she wiggles out of her seat. She bites her inner cheek and realizes that she cannot feel a thing, a sure sign that she’s had a little too much, and she’s grateful she isn’t wearing any heels as she staggers her way to the washroom. She knows she’s going to regret this in the morning, but right now it still feels good. The alcohol keeps her wrapped up in a pleasant haze, like a bubble where nothing can touch her, hurt her, and it’s all she wants to feel right now.

Safe, untouchable. Center of attention. 

The party ends all too soon, however, her happy mood taken from her in a flash. When she comes back from the bathroom, the group is getting ready to leave. “We’ve got class in the morning,” one of the guys slurs in the way of explanation. “Gotta catch the last train home. Where you do live, lovely? You taking the train also?” 

Baekhee is instantly disappointed, her mood plummeting. It’s close to midnight, she figures, since they’re talking about taking the last train home, but she’s not ready to go home yet. She can’t go home like this, because her mother would throw a tantrum if she showed up this drunk. And she really, really doesn’t want to be alone- but nothing she says works. No matter how persuasive she is, none of them agree to stay. 

Feeling stranded and betrayed, Baekhee follows them outside, struggling to pull her jacket back on. One of the men that she was flirting with throughout the night wraps his arm around her to yank her closer and whisper something dirty in her ear, but Baekhee just smacks his hand off her. She’s not in the mood anymore, and the guy seems like a boring fuck anyway. He’s too cocky in a way only someone inexperienced can be- he doesn’t know enough yet to know that he’s no good, and Baekhee has had enough bad lays that she wants nothing to do with him.

It leaves her dilemma unsolved, however, because she still has nowhere to go. 

She starts walking mindlessly, because it’s better to appear as though she knows where she’s going than to stand around like an idiot. In the back of her mind, she knows that this is stupid; she’s really crossed her own limits tonight, and her feet are unsteady, her mind foggy and unfocused. Even trying to decide what to do next is too hard, her chain of thought breaking and scattering before she can think of anything useful.

There’s a constricting feeling around her chest now, the helplessness of her situation settling in. Just moments ago, she was on the top of the world, wanted and beautiful and feeling good, and now, she feels like she’s been cast aside like a dumped cigarette. The fall down is steep and sudden, and has her reeling, her drunken mind still confused from how quickly it happened.

“Hey little girl, where are you going? Come with us, we know just the place,” some older men leer at her as she walks by, but she pretends not to hear. It’s better than to provoke them with an answer, although quickening her steps makes her stumble and she has to lean on the wall to regain her balance. She knows she looks vulnerable, and she knows that it’s true. She almost regrets not joining the guys after all, because at least then she wouldn’t have to be alone. Even boring, bad sex would be better than this. She’s made this mistake before, and she blames herself for repeating it- never again will she turn down a bed to sleep in, for as long as it’s not her own.

“Baekhee?” 

At first, it doesn’t quite register in her brain that it’s indeed her name being called out. But when someone touches her shoulder, ever so gently, and says it again, she finally catches up and turns around to see who has approached her. But to her utmost surprise, she’s staring back at Junmyeon- distressed, upset Junmyeon, whose outlines seem blurrier than ever before. It’s hard to focus on him, and it makes her head swim; it feels as though she can see right through him, and then he comes back into focus only to fade out again. Like a dancing flame, one moment he’s there and the next he’s not. 

It makes her gag a little, her inebriated mind unable to handle it. Junmyeon is quick to wrap his arm around her middle, and walks her around the corner onto a side street, into the darkness that swallows up them both. 

“What are you doing here,” Baekhee slurs, pulling away from Junmyeon to lean on the wall. She reaches into her handbag to pull out her pack of cigarettes, lighting one with only the help of her muscle memory alone. “Fucking piece of shit, you. Disappearing like that on me and showing up like this.” 

Junmyeon at least has the decency to look apologetic. “I’m so sorry,” he mumbles, watching Baekhee with concern and reaching out to steady her again with a hand on her shoulder. “I just… It’s a long story.” 

“So you keep telling me,” Baekhee huffs, and inhales from her cig vigorously to calm her nerves. She doesn’t want to be angry, but the alcohol and the way her mood plummeted just moments ago make it hard to resist. “You show up, and you vanish, and I can’t fucking find you, until you decide to show me your face again. What the fuck is up with that, oppa?” 

Junmyeon fidgets, and Baekhee’s eyes do that thing again where it’s almost like Junmyeon flickers in and out of existence. It’s really making her nauseous now, coupled with the emotions running through her. But she can tell that Junmyeon is uncomfortable- but she has never seen him relaxed, she realizes. He’s never let his guard down, not even a little bit, no matter what the setting has been. 

“I’m just, it’s just something you probably wouldn’t believe was real if I told you,” Junmyeon says hurriedly, but then, a group of guys walks around the corner and onto the alleyway they’re at, stumbling and cussing and yelling as they go. And this time, this time Baekhee actually sees it and knows that it isn’t just her eyes because she can still feel Junmyeon’s touch, can even hear him breathe, yet he disappears out of sight, just like that. Vanishes into thin air, just how he’s done every single time.

Baekhee cannot tear her eyes away, even though she’s staring into nothingness. She doesn’t even dare to breathe, just trying to comprehend the mixed messages her senses are giving her. Feeling his touch on her shoulder, firm and real, but not seeing him standing there, not even the slightest- she has to really swallow back the bile rising in her throat. This is simply too much.

The group of guys stumble past them, leering at Baekhee who seems to be there alone, but she pays them no mind. Something compels her to reach out with her free hand, tentatively holding it out until it brushes against something- Junmyeon’s chest, and then shoulder, her fingers curling into the fabric of his jacket with a tremor going through her.  
Even despite how drunk she is, she knows that this isn’t just a trick of her mind, or her eyes. This is really happening- even though it makes no sense.

There’s no logical explanation for this, yet it should be alarming that this isn’t the first thing about Junmyeon she hasn’t been able to explain. This is just the weirdest, something she could have never, ever predicted. 

She trembles slightly, squeezing Junmyeon’s shoulder tighter. “Junmyeon,” she says slowly. “Jesus christ- what the actual fuck?”

It’s not very eloquent, but she can hear Junmyeon breathe out in what sounds like an exasperated chuckle, surprised and confused and fearful all at once. “I said it was a long story,” his voice comes out of nothingness, before he flickers back into view, just like that. Emerging out of nothing and being born into existence again. He drops his hand from her shoulder and Baekhee does the same, although she still cannot look away.

Junmyeon stares down at the tips of his shoes, shoulders hunched up. “I uh, well,” Junmyeon stutters. “I’m kind of… I’m kind of invisible? Like, most of the time. It’s, well, it’s hard to explain. Maybe we shouldn’t have this talk here, with you like this- I don’t know.” 

Invisible. Baekhee clicks her tongue, tries to wrap her head around it. Invisible. She’d call him insane, if she hadn’t just seen, or not seen, what she did. 

“I guess… I guess there has to be a long story, behind that one,” she says. “And you owe me a fucking explanation, don’t you think you’re getting away without one.” 

“No, of course not,” Junmyeon replies, placates her with a small smile. “I’ll tell you everything I can, trust me. Just not here. Not now.”

Baekhee hiccups, presses the back of her hand to her mouth. She really doesn’t feel well, and the chilliness of the night is really starting to get to her. Even though she’s burning with curiosity, she understands that Junmyeon has a point. 

“How’d you find me?” she asks instead, because that should be easier. Simpler. “How come you’re here?” 

Junmyeon’s smile fades. “I get so lonely sometimes… I come out here, to be surrounded by people, so I wouldn’t feel that way. Of course no one sees me… but I feel more alive, for a moment. Watching people be happy, listening to their conversations. It’s easier than being by myself, you know.” 

That Baekhee can understand. It’s all too real for her as well, although she would never settle for just being an outsider. She has to be the center, the focus. How much lonelier would it be to only hover near people but never be able to join their fun? Just the thought of it makes her bristle. 

“So you just ran into me, then,” she counters. Junmyeon can probably hear her doubts in her voice, for he shrugs his shoulders elusively, looks away again.

“Well, I mean,” he begins, huffs, begins again. “I saw you leaving the restaurant and walking into that bar alone- I worried, if you were going to be alright. Going into a bar all by yourself, I just, I thought that I would linger around… Make sure you get home in one piece.”

So he’s been standing there, waiting for her to come back, all this time. Baekhee has only a poor idea as to how many hours have passed since she went in, but she understands that Junmyeon has been out here for a very long time. It’s a little bit creepy, but also somewhat endearing. She hears in his voice that he’s sincere. Junmyeon had no hidden motives to do what he did.

“Am I the only one who can see you?” she asks next. “Is that how you disappeared from my friends too? In the classroom?” 

Junmyeon shakes his head. “No, anyone can see me, when I’m visible,” he explains. “It’s just that, well. Most of the time, I can decide if I’m visible or not- but then, sometimes, when I get nervous or upset, I can’t control it. Like when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know. It’s so frustrating… I told you I want to make friends, but I can’t.” 

Baekhee finishes her cigarette, lets the silence stretch for a while. She’s still very, very confused, and she doesn’t know enough to see the full picture of Junmyeon’s situation, but Junmyeon is right. It’s not a story to be told tonight, not like this. But she does have one more question. 

“Why me, then? Why do you show yourself to me?” She throws away her cigarette, watches the ashes flicker and then fade away. “Why me?”

A strange look flashes in Junmyeon’s eyes, before it’s gone again, and Baekhee doesn’t know that she can trust her eyes anymore. At least not with Junmyeon. “It’s… also complicated.” Junmyeon is clearly avoiding the truth, and he’s not even hiding it well. He struggles to find the words, whether it’s for the truth or for the lie. “Like I’ve said, I’ve been… drawn to your light. You make me feel alive. You’re so bright you… you pull me in, make me feel like basking in the sun.” 

The silence between them is fragile as the words settle into Baekhee’s heart, nestle there to make sure she’ll never be able to forget. “Alright,” she whispers, “alright. I don’t know yet what that means, but maybe one day you’ll tell me.”

“Maybe.” Junmyeon’s smile is a little sincerer, this time. “But how about we get you to home, now? I think you need some rest. It’s getting late, and we have a lecture tomorrow morning.” 

“I’m not going home.” The words come out before she can do anything to stop them. “I mean- I can’t go. The last bus already left.” 

“Then crash at my place.” Junmyeon seems startled by his own words as well, but it’s all too easy for Baekhee to agree. She’s taken up plenty of strangers on such offers before, and frankly, she feels like she has nothing to fear from Junmyeon. Strange, magical creature or not, he seems harmless, and it’s not like she hasn’t escaped sticky situations before by the skin of her teeth. She can handle him, she’s sure of it.

Surprisingly, the walk isn’t all that long, although it takes a while with how wobbly she is, her exhaustion slamming into her like a freight train now that the buzz of the alcohol is fading. It also doesn’t help orient her to have Junmyeon flicker in and out of sight, as people walk past them on the narrow streets and alleyways; it’s hard to get used to, watching him disappear right before her eyes. But he leads her to a small, rundown apartment, situated in the same building with a restaurant and a couple of clothing stores. The light in the staircase is broken and it smells like urine and trash, but the smell fades as Junmyeon leads her up all the way to the roof. 

His apartment is almost like a small hut built on top of the building, small and shabby, seemingly abandoned with all the windows dark and how old and dirty it is. But there’s a neat line of potted plants placed next to the blue door, and a clothing line with some sheets drying there, and when Junmyeon opens the door for her, the hinges don’t make a single sound. It’s clearly well taken care of, even if in an understated, modest way. 

Junmyeon turns the lights on, and Baekhee doesn’t hesitate even for a moment when she spots the rolled up futon with the rest of the bedding at the corner of the small house, kicking off her shoes to walk in further and spread it out clumsily, throwing herself on top of it with a groan. Junmyeon says something, but she doesn’t hear what it is, only curls up smaller on the mattress, only vaguely aware of the duvet being placed over her and Junmyeon puttering around before she promptly falls asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Baekhee is woken up to a gentle hand shaking her by the shoulder. “It’s morning,” a soft voice tells her, slowly peeling back the covers and stroking her hair away from her face. “You should get up, to eat breakfast before leaving for class.” 

She doesn’t want to open her eyes. It feels like a dream- a beautiful dream, something she’s wanted and begged to have for years. Just for once in her life, someone taking care of her, tending to her, talking to her so- and then she remembers where she fell asleep, and the illusion shatters because this is Junmyeon, almost a complete stranger, and her head is pounding with a headache from her hangover. 

Blinking her eyes open and sitting upright, she tries to take stock of the situation. Junmyeon is perched next to the futon, squatting down and smiling at her cautiously. Behind him, he’s set up a small folding table and set it with a few dishes and cutlery. There’s little light streaming in from the windows, illuminating the small home in a cozy light. It would be peaceful, if her mouth didn’t taste like stale beer and her head didn’t throb with each blink. 

It should be awkward, waking up in Junmyeon’s house like this after passing out drunk off her face. It should be, and it sort of is, but the weight of it isn’t crushing her like she thought it might. She’s had plenty of awkward morning afters, and she makes a point to try and leave before the other person wakes up, but this isn’t the worst she’s experienced. The way that Junmyeon is looking at her though, it sits a little uncomfortable on her skin.

It feels like he cares, and she doesn’t like that.

“You can use the shower if you’d like,” Junmyeon offers, gesturing towards the only door besides the front door. The house is tiny, the living space only a single room and sparsely furnished, something that Baekhee paid no attention to last night. “I’ll turn the boiler on, so you can have hot water.” 

“No, I’m fine,” Baekhee says with a shake of her head. It’s a mistake, because it only makes her headache grow tenfold. She groans and buries her face in her hands. “I just need water.” 

“I have water,” Junmyeon replies. Baekhee can feel his hand over her shoulder, but he doesn’t dare to touch her again. “And painkillers. And food. Eat with me? It’s not much but, you should eat.” 

No one has cooked Baekhee breakfast in years, save for Chanmi’s mom, and it’s such a weird feeling to wake up to a ready-made table. It’s just as humble as the home that he lives in; rice, bean paste soup, kimchi, small fried fish. But it’s tasty, surprisingly so, even to Baekhee who usually just quells her hangovers with coffee and water. When she tells him that, Junmyeon’s eyes crinkle up in a brilliant smile. 

“You shouldn’t do that,” he scolds her gently, reaching over to place more fish on her spoon with his chopsticks. “And thank you. I’ve been cooking for myself for a very long time. I used to be terrible at it but, I got tired of eating food that didn’t taste like anything.” 

Baekhee laughs at that. “Yeah, I also had to learn how to do it because my mom wouldn’t do it anymore,” she says with a sigh. It’s so intimate, like this- to share a meal together in the quiet of Junmyeon’s home. “Your mom stopped cooking for you too?” 

Junmyeon seems a little startled. “Yeah, I mean yes,” he replies, lips pursing together. “Not like she ever did in the first place- but I moved out when I was still in high school, so.” 

“She never did?” Baekhee’s interest has been piqued- although there’s a lot to uncover, about Junmyeon, after the revelation last night, but she likes bad mom stories. It makes her feel more validated in her own relationship with her mother, when usually she’s told she should love and adore her no matter what. That bad mothers don’t exist. It’s refreshing to hear from someone who understands what she’s going through. 

There’s a beat of silence, but like always, Junmyeon responds with honesty. “She was too busy. My parents are busy career people- my dad’s a politician and my mom was busy going to all sorts of events and things to support him.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Me and my brother, we were looked after by nannies that came and went- they didn’t care much about us, you know, it was probably a shitty job to have. I hardly even saw my parents, growing up. And then I got sick of it and moved out. Thought life was gonna get better.” 

It’s obvious in his words how that dream must have gotten crushed, and Baekhee knows when to stop pushing. But to her own surprise, she finds herself willing to share a bit about herself, something she’d usually not ever even consider. Yet there’s something about Junmyeon and how raw and sincere he is that makes it easier to trust him.

“My mom’s very unwell, so she can’t cook, or do anything,” she says as nonchalantly as she can. She doesn’t talk about it often, so finding the words isn’t so simple. “I lived in the dorms in high school and I didn’t go home unless I had to, but before then and now that I’m back home, it’s me running the household. Well, when I’m home, anyway.” 

Junmyeon hums, and places a piece of kimchi in her spoon. “That’s gotta be tough,” he says. Baekhee had expected to hear pity in his voice, or overwhelming emotion- it’s why she hates talking about her family so much. But there’s none of that, just acceptance that these are the facts. That it’s the reality Baekhee lives, and there’s not much to be done about it. 

It’s almost too simplistic, in a way, yet Baekhee realizes that she likes it better this way. No fussing, no excessive emotion. It’s tiring, feeling like you have to comfort the people you tell your worries to, because they get so upset when they hear about your troubles. It made Baekhee decide years ago that she wouldn’t burden anyone else with her problems, because it never helped her in any way. But Junmyeon’s quiet acceptance of it for what it is, it doesn’t make her feel guilty for making him sad.

“It is. It’s why I try and not go home, if I can help it.” She glances around Junmyeon’s home, humming quietly. “Or maybe I should move out. Live on my own, like you are doing. It must be nice.” 

Junmyeon shrugs his shoulders. “It gets lonely,” he admits. “I live alone, I study alone… it’s really lonesome.” And that’s right- that reminds Baekhee of what he said the previous night, about wandering amongst people just to feel not so alone in the world. 

“I don’t know if we’re supposed to talk about this,” she says, watching his expression carefully, “But do you know…. Do you know why you’re like this? You’re not… You’re not like a mythical creature, are you?” 

That makes Junmyeon laugh, even if it’s dry and humorless. “No, I’m not,” he agrees. “I was just an ordinary kid, most of my life. But like I said, in our home I felt like nobody saw me. Like nobody cared. The only time I would get attention would be if my grades weren’t good enough, and that wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted. But no matter what I did… I could never make my parents proud, or happy.”

Baekhee can understand that. She’s felt so meaningless, in the shadow of her mother’s illness. Nothing she ever did mattered much, because her mother was always ill, always needed care and attention more than her. Was always more important. Even though their stories are different, they’re still alike.

“And at school, no one wanted to be my friend. I don’t know why. I just never made any- and then I enlisted, and the bullying began. Not that they picked on me or anything, but they ostracized me. Pretended I wasn’t there, didn’t talk to me, didn’t even look at me. And so, I started to fade… little by little, I began to fade.” 

The words don’t come easy, Baekhee can tell. Perhaps they’re words he’s never told anyone before, the ache in them loud and painful to hear. But she holds back her reaction, for the exact same reason she doesn’t want anyone to overreact to her own grievances either. It’s hard though- it’s really, really hard not to reach out and try to comfort him, through touch and words. 

Junmyeon shakes his head, and dabs at his eyes with the back of his hand. “And that’s how I became like this,” he finishes in a whisper. “I became truly invisible. I can control it like this but when it’s a lot of people, especially guys, I get so nervous that I can’t. And I yearn to be with people but… but it’s impossible, like this.” 

Baekhee nods her head. There’s not much she can do, so instead, still cautious, she reaches over to place kimchi on his spoon tenderly, just how he’d done for her earlier. When Junmyeon looks up at her, she smiles softly at him, even through how much her heart aches for him. 

“You’ve got me, now,” she replies, voice steady and sure. “You’re not alone. We’ll fix this, somehow. We’ll find a way.” 

It’s a big promise, but Baekhee cannot stand to know that he’s living his life like this. If there’s anything she’s excellent at, it’s socializing- so why shouldn’t she help him to find friends, at the very least? His condition, she doesn’t know what to do about it, but surely… surely, there must be a way.

Junmyeon meets her eyes for a moment, before turning away flustered. “We’re going to be late for class,” he murmurs, scarfing down the rest of his food. “Especially if we have to swing by your house to get you clothes and things.” 

Baekhee smiles at him, accepting that they’re done talking about this for now. “No, my house is too far away, and I don’t want to go,” she says, her tone lighter now. “If you could lend me a shirt, that would be enough. I’ll be good to go.”

*****

They don’t get further than the front door of Junmyeon’s apartment building, before he vanishes from sight. It’s still startling, even though Baekhee knows that he’s there, can hear him, if she focuses enough. Can feel his presence. And they don’t exchange a word as they walk, as Baekhee realizes with a start how odd it would seem- her seemingly walking by herself, talking to thin air. No, she cannot do that. 

It’s only once they reach the campus that Junmyeon talks to her again, while pressing a small slip of paper into her hand. “I don’t think I’ll be able to see you today,” he whispers. “But please… text me. I usually hang around the library until it closes at night so, if you’re ever there by yourself let me know, alright?” 

Baekhee would try and persuade him to show himself in class, convince him to try it with her, but she can sense him leaving before she can get a word in sideways. But she holds tight on the small piece of paper in her hand, until she gets to the lobby of one of the school building, and takes out her phone to save it, shooting Junmyeon a simple ‘hello’ just so he can have her number as well.

“Baekhee,” Jongdae calls out to the side, and when she turns, she can spot him waving, standing next to sleepy Chanmi and Kyungsoo at the vending machines. She walks over with pep in her step, smiling broadly at them to dispel any worries they might have had about her- they could probably tell she was upset last night, being left to her own devices, and the last thing she wants is for them to feel guilty for it.

“Hi everyone,” she greets them, falling easily into Chanmi’s side, wrapping her arm loosely around her waist. “How’s it going?” 

Chanmi cards her fingers through Baekhee’s hair, brushing a red strand behind her ear. “Great,” she chirps, “New shirt, I like it.” 

Baekhee glances down at what she’s wearing. She didn’t really pay attention when she grabbed the army green shirt from Junmyeon’s closet that morning, but it does look kind of nice on her. It’s soft and comfortably worn down and it fits her well, tucked into her skirt. It’s a great look, she agrees. 

“Oh, it’s not mine,” she says, bumping her hip against Chanmi’s. “Junmyeon oppa gave it to me.”

Looks of confusion pass through everyone’s eyes as they take in what she just said. “Junmyeon?” Kyungsoo asks, frowning. “That guy you met at the MT?”

“Where do you keep running into him in secret from us?” Jongdae exclaims, looking around wildly as though he’s convinced he must be around. “How is it that you’ve spent a night over at his house and everything, but we still haven’t met him?” 

Baekhee snorts at his words before she can stop herself. “When have I ever introduced you guys to the people I’ve slept with,” she chuckles. She knows that they know- she’s gone home with guys and girls alike, and it has never meant anything much to her. “Except I didn’t sleep with him. I just ran into him last night and he dragged me home because he thought I was too drunk to survive on my own. But hopefully I can introduce him to you guys soon.” 

Chanmi’s expression immediately changes into one of worry. “I’ve told you countless times, don’t drink so much when you’re out alone,” she scolds her, flicking her forehead. “It’s not safe! You made oppa worry for you, too.” 

“You know I can take care of myself,” Baekhee reminds her gently. The conversation has taken a turn she strongly disagrees with, and so she makes a point of glancing at the clock. “Anyway, I think we should head inside. The professor will be here any minute.” 

But during class, she rips out a sheet from her notebook to scribble a note on it and to slip it to Chanmi. Neither of them has ever been good at whispering and talking quietly, so it’s best to communicate in writing to avoid getting called out by their music history professor. 

_I need to talk to you about something, could I come over tonight?_

Chanmi is well versed in reading her handwriting, after years of attending classes together, and is quick to jot down her own response. 

_of course!! mom wants to see you very much and I do too!! what do you need to talk about_

Baekhee takes a moment to consider what she could say. If she should say anything- but she already took the leap.

_it’s about Junmyeon. I discovered something about him last night and it’s very confusing and I need to talk to someone to make sense of it_

Chanmi’s lips move as she reads the line, and then glances at Baekhee, eyes wide and full of curiosity. Baekhee can tell she’s itching to know the full story right this instant. 

_something I should be worried about?? that sounds super strange_

_yeah you could say that it’s a long story I can’t talk about it like this I’ll tell you later_

Chanmi is just about to write down her answer when Baekhee snatches the slip of paper back to write down one more thing, just to redirect the focus of the conversation again. 

_how are things with Kyungsoo btw you haven’t given me any updates in so long I’m out of the loop_

Just that is enough to make Chanmi blush furiously.

_not much to update I guess that’s why I haven’t said anything either but we can talk later now destroy this piece of evidence I don’t want him to find it!!_

There’s no way Kyungsoo would ever find this, Baekhee snickers to herself, but alright. She’ll respect Chanmi’s wishes. She folds the piece of paper neatly, and slips it in between her notebook to toss away later. 

She’s quite sure she’s breaking Junmyeon’s trust by doing this, but she has to talk to someone. It’s too big of a secret to keep on her own, especially when it’s not hers, and she’s doing this with Junmyeon’s best interest in mind. Besides, Chanmi is one hundred percent trustworthy- she would never reveal it to another living soul. It’s Baekhee who has trouble keeping her mouth shut, when it doesn’t directly concern her. 

At least that night, she doesn’t experience the same kind of sadness she felt in the Park household the last time she visited. Probably because her mind is so occupied with Junmyeon and how to best explain to Chanmi. They don’t get to be alone until after dinner, and Baekhee feels warm and fuzzy when she realizes that she’s eaten two homecooked meals that day. She cannot even begin to remember the last time that’s happened.

It makes her homesick in a decidedly uncomfortable way, but homesick for a home that has never existed, save for a couple of years in her earliest childhood. She’s heard people say you can’t miss things you’ve never had but she disagrees- she definitely misses it, wants it, longs for it, and it only causes her pain to know that she’ll never have it.

Finally, once they’ve eaten and helped with cleaning up afterwards, Chanmi takes her to her room and they sit down on her bed. Chanmi’s eyes are almost sparkling with curious excitement, her hands clasping Baekhee’s tight in hers. “Tell me everything,” she demands her in a hushed tone, to make sure her parents don’t hear them from the living room. “I’ve been dying to know since morning.” 

Baekhee recounts the events from the previous night as simply as she can, doing her best to explain how Junmyeon vanished right in front of her eyes. “I thought I was just black out drunk, Chanmi,” she whispers, watching her reaction avidly to discern how she’s taking this all. “But no, he really did disappear… he turns invisible, Chanmi, that’s why it seemed like he was no longer in the classroom when I wanted you guys to meet him. It’s like, the weirdest superpower I’ve ever heard of.”

Chanmi’s jaw dropped as soon as Baekhee revealed the big secret to her, and she has trouble coming up with words to express what she thinks. “But how- how’s that even possible,” she says, eyes wide. “How does that even make any sense? Is he like, like Spiderman or something? Did he get bit by something radioactive?” 

That makes Baekhee laugh despite the seriousness of the situation. “No, he’s not a Marvel hero,” she simpers, the whole idea pretty amusing to her. “He said that it happened because he felt so invisible… His family treated him like shit, he didn’t make any friends, and he got ostracized in the army while in service. That he just vanished because everyone treated him like he didn’t exist in the first place. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but that’s how he explains it. Kind of.” 

The excitement is gone from Chanmi’s eyes just like that. “Oh no,” she whispers, voice full of emotion, like cooing over a wounded puppy. She’s always been a bleeding heart. “Oh dear- that’s terrible. I feel so sorry he had to go through something like that… especially if it made him like this…” 

Baekhee can only nod her head with a heavy sigh. “Yeah, it’s too bad,” she manages. The fact that her own struggles are, to a degree, somewhat reminiscent of Junmyeon’s makes it hard for her to listen to the pity in Chanmi’s voice. It’s almost like it’s directed at her, somehow, even when she knows it’s not. “He’s terribly lonely and unhappy, too. Obviously he is- cursed to living like that.” 

Chanmi purses her lips together. “There’s something about this… that almost rings a bell,” she murmurs, looking around the room as though hoping to find the answer on her walls. “Like, almost as if I’ve read a book about this, or watched a movie- but I just can’t remember what…” 

“Oh?” Baekhee tilts her head to the side, trying to think. She can’t recall anything like this, this is all just uncharted territory. If Junmyeon’s words are true, if he really became invisible through just loneliness and abandonment, what does that mean? Could other emotions cause similar problems, as well? But if so, why has she never heard anything about it? It’s odd. 

“I know now!” Chanmi exclaims, startling her out of her thoughts as she springs up from where they were seated knee to knee on the bed and darting over to her bookshelf. She rummages through it with deft fingers, running the pads of her fingers over the spines as she reads the titles quickly, clearly looking for something. Baekhee would ask her to explain, but she knows better than to disrupt her train of thought- Chanmi could so easily lose the epiphany she just had, Baekhee knows that. So she just sits and waits, until Chanmi finally picks out a book from her shelf and hurries back to the bed. 

The book she places in Baekhee’s lap is a children’s book, much to her surprise. “Moomins?” she asks, in disbelief. She recognizes the cartoon characters on the cover of the book for sure, but she’s not connecting the pieces of the puzzle. “What’s this for?” 

“That’s the story of a girl who turned invisible because her aunt was mean to her!” Chanmi says hurriedly, reaching over to flip the pages until she finds a specific illustration. She points at the picture; there are the Moomin characters Baekhee recognizes, but then there’s a character with no face, only visible because she’s wearing a dress and a bow on top of her head. Nothing else about her is visible, except for her clothes.

“What?” She’s never heard of this particular story, but she doubts she’s ever even read a Moomin book, just occasionally watched the cartoon. “She’s invisible because of mean people?” 

Chanmi nods enthusiastically. “Yeah, because people treated her badly, she turned invisible,” she explains. “And she came to live with the Moomins so they would be nice to her, and when they were nice and treated her well, she slowly became visible again.” 

“Woah.” It’s almost eerie how well that fits. Flipping back a couple of pages, Baekhee finds a picture where only her hair tie is visible, not even her dress, and flipping forward again, there’s a picture of her with a face and all towards the end. She looks happy- she’s smiling so broadly. “Wow, Chanmi- shit, this is really accurate to his situation as well, isn’t it?” 

“It is,” Chanmi replies. “Like, I didn’t think anything in Moomins was real or anything, or like, I thought this was just a dumb metaphor that you shouldn’t treat people like garbage or else they’ll feel really bad, but now I’m not so sure. What if the author knew someone who was like Junmyeon? What if this has happened to others, as well?”

That’s a scary thought. People stuck in invisibility, unable to communicate with the outside world. Locked into their loneliness, with no way out of it. Baekhee shivers just thinking about it. She would rather take her own life than live like that. She needs attention and validation far too much to survive that, she knows it. Her solution has never been to withdraw but to throw herself in the center, and make people pay attention. 

“Then, maybe someone knows how to fix it,” Baekhee muses. “Unless the cure is just to be around people who treat you well- I mean, that’s simple, but I can see how it would be difficult for Junmyeon… he’s so shy, and so withdrawn.”

Chanmi strokes across the back of Baekhee’s hand with her thumb gently. “He reached out to you, didn’t he,” she reminds her. “So he’s taken the first step. And next, you’ll introduce him to us! And we’ll all be friends!” 

That makes Baekhee laugh. To Chanmi, it’s so straightforward- but she hasn’t met Junmyeon in person, yet. But she’s right. There’s hope.

She should also not care so much. It’s just Junmyeon, a person she hardly knows. She shouldn’t be so invested- but it’s hard not to, when she can relate to his struggles so much.  
“I’ll text him tomorrow, tell him we have a plan.”

*****

Baekhee doesn’t get the chance to text Junmyeon until around dinner time. She’s alone in the library although not studying; it’s been a long, eventful day, and she’s too exhausted to do anything productive. The midterm season will be soon upon them, and the deadlines are piling up. At least she’ll have a valid excuse to not go home for some time, although she knows she’ll have to go tonight. She needs a change of clothes, at the very least, and a couple of textbooks she’d left at home. 

But she has time to kill until the last bus leaves.

[ text ] hey Junmyeon oppa  
[ text ] where u at  
[ text ] it’s Baekhee btw

She can see that Junmyeon reads the messages immediately, but takes forever typing his response, probably considering each word all too carefully. Baekhee taps her foot impatiently, but resists the urge to quick fire even more texts his way. She doesn’t want to scare him off. 

[ Junmyeon ] hi Baekhee, I kind of thought you’d never text me to be honest haha   
[ Junmyeon ] I mean like I thought maybe you’d gotten scared or something totally understandable   
[ Junmyeon ] I’m at the library are you here too? do you want to see me? 

She can almost feel the anxiety through the screen, from every single word he’s typed as response. So he’d gotten nervous that Baekhee had decided not to contact him after all- she could see why. Junmyeon just told something very strange about himself, and to not hear from Baekhee in over 24 hours must have felt like she’d decided not to bother with him anymore. 

She’s never been anxious herself, but she understands a little bit how such things work. 

[ text ] no sorry my bad got distracted with other stuff not your fault  
[ text ] you didn’t scare me away donut worry!  
[ text ] yes come see me rn I’m on the third floor at the corner close to the toilets

Baekhee doesn’t see him approach her, but when the chair next to hers suddenly moves as it’s pulled back, she knows that he’s arrived. “Wouldn’t you show yourself,” she asks, glancing around. There’s hardly anyone there; it’s late, and this floor as the least comfortable chairs. It’s always empty. “It’d be a little less eerie that way.” 

Junmyeon clears his throat quietly. “I- I’ll try,” he whispers. “I’ve just been… kind of rattled, all day, so it might be a little hard.” 

“What upset you?” Baekhee asks without any hesitation. She knows she’s pushing, but she wants to know, since he brought it up. 

There’s a pregnant pause. Junmyeon likes to weigh his words, Baekhee’s noticed- the complete opposite to her. 

“You,” he admits finally, and that takes Baekhee by genuine surprise. She can only stare at where she assumes Junmyeon is sitting next to her, brows furrowed and lips parted. Then it dawns on her- the reason why. 

“Because I didn’t text you,” she finishes for him. “Look, I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just got distracted by stuff. And I knew I wanted to talk to you face to face, so I couldn’t really do anything until I was sure I’d be left alone.” 

There’s a gentle touch against the back of her hand. A silent comfort. “I know,” Junmyeon replies. “I know. It’s just how I get, you know. Get stuck in my head and start thinking about stupid stuff, I guess. It’s not your fault. What did you want to talk about?” 

Baekhee pulls out the Moomin book from her bag, pushes it closer to Junmyeon. “I think I found the answer to why you’re like this,” she explains, and can’t hold back the excitement in her voice, this time. It’s big news, she hopes. She flips the book open to the right page, to show the illustrations to Junmyeon one by one as she explains the story and how Invisible Ninny turned out the way she did. 

It’s slightly disconcerting to talk to Junmyeon like this, without being able to see him and how he reacts to any of this, but she pushes on. “So I think, if you just learn how to make friends, it’ll fix all of this,” she says enthusiastically. “You’ll become visible again! Wouldn’t that be so cool?”

The pages move seemingly on their own, as Junmyeon flips through them again. “You’re saying… that there might be others like me? And that there’s a way out?” His voice is full of disbelief, and oddly, hurt. But Baekhee understands. She’s been hopeful many, many times, thinking that her family’s problems might finally be solved, yet she’s always been let down. Now, whenever doctors give promises of a better tomorrow, all she feels is anger. Anger that they would say such useless things, when it won’t amount up to anything, fix anything- when none of it’ll happen, anyway. Junmyeon probably feels the same way. 

“Well, it’s worth giving a shot. You said you wanted friends, right? Making you less lonely can’t hurt, can it.” That much is at least true, and she knows he cannot argue with it. She feels so pleased, knowing she’s got him where she wants him. 

“I mean… Yeah, I did say that. I want it. I want to have friends. Feel seen.” Junmyeon flickers back to view, little by little, emerging from nothing like fog appearing from the ocean. Silent, eerie, at first like a dream or a trick of the eye. He’s stroking his fingers down the illustration on the page, where the invisible girl can only be recognized by the bow in her hair and nothing else is visible. “I don’t want to be like this… But I’m scared, Baekhee.” 

“You’ve got me. You have nothing to be afraid of.” Baekhee smiles at him warmly, pleased to see him at last. “You can meet my friends as soon as you’d like.” 

Just the mention of that makes tension grow in the set of Junmyeon’s jaw, his shoulders rising up toward his ears. “The three of them? The girl and the two boys?” he asks, licking his lips nervously. “All at once?” 

Baekhee shrugs. “I think it’ll be easier that way, rather than having to go through the introductions three times,” she replies. She already knows that talking Junmyeon into just one is going to be an uphill battle. “We’ll pick somewhere where we can be alone, so you don’t have to worry about anyone else. It’ll be alright.” 

Junmyeon doesn’t seem all too convinced, but he nods anyway, reaching over to gently touch Baekhee’s hand with his. “Thank you,” he whispers. “Thank you for doing this for me… Thank you… I don’t deserve you, I really, really don’t.” 

“Nonsense.” Baekhee waves him off. She doesn’t want to get sappy, not here, not now. “So are you free on the weekend? We could arrange for something, then. Maybe even a study date, since we’re all taking some of the same classes.” 

Junmyeon nods, then glances up at the time. “Shouldn’t you be headed home?” he asks carefully. If it’s a genuine question or an awkward attempt at changing the topic, Baekhee can’t quite tell. 

“I’m not in a hurry. The last bus doesn’t leave until hours from now.” 

“You always stay here until the last bus?” Junmyeon’s eyes widen slightly. “Studying?” 

That makes Baekhee laugh. “Nah, I’m not that diligent of a student,” she simpers. “I don’t know, I just like it here. I often go out for dinner or drinks with friends nearby or something.” Although so far no one has responded to her texts requesting for company. Looks like she might have to stick it out in the library- or admit defeat, and head home early. Just the thought makes her stomach twist up in tight, painful knots of worry and anxiety. 

“I see.” Junmyeon is regarding her so seriously that it’s making her almost uncomfortable. “You’re still wearing my shirt, I see. Do you like it? You can have it, if you want it.” 

It’s cute that he’d assume that, but how would he know that Baekhee hasn’t been home since she left Junmyeon’s apartment the day before? But she can’t tell him that, not like this. Instead she fakes a bright smile, and playfully touches his shoulder, genuinely amused to see him blush a little. 

“Ah, thank you oppa,” she coos, batting her eyelashes. “It’s really soft, it feels nice. I think I’m gonna use it as a sleep shirt, from now on. Thank you.” 

“You- you’re welcome,” Junmyeon stammers, pulling his hands back and wiping his palms on his jeans. “I, uh, it’s no big deal? Yeah, no big deal. You’re welcome.”

That’s adorable. Baekhee has seen all kinds of reactions to her advances before, has gone through the entire scale from completely flustered to suave and confident. But Junmyeon’s reaction is so pure, speaks of how he has no experience with any of this, and there’s something very honest about it. It’s charming, in its own, awkward way. 

“Do you wanna have dinner with me?” she blurts out, completely spontaneous. If she can’t find anyone else to have dinner with her, then why not Junmyeon? He’s right there, and he needs to eat as well. 

The question clearly takes Junmyeon by surprise, but when he fully understands what she means, he’s quick to shake his head in what seems almost akin to panic. “No, no, I couldn’t,” he insists, and Baekhee could swear that his physical form is less solid now, more see-through. “I can’t, Baekhee. There’s gonna be people there, I’m going to be invisible, it’s not going to work. I can’t.” 

“It’s nothing we can’t work around, though,” Baekhee replies, but Junmyeon isn’t even listening. “No, I can’t do it,” he says hurriedly, and stands up then, grabbing his backpack.   
“It’s just not possible, I can’t- I can’t do it, Baekhee.” And he’s almost completely out of sight now, only barely visible, mostly because Baekhee knows where to look. Where he just was, still is. 

She realizes she’s made him terribly anxious and uncomfortable, but she doesn’t quite know how to fix it now. “Alright,” she meekly says. “I’ll text you to make plans, yeah? For the weekend.” 

“Yes, please, thank you. Bye-bye, “Junmyeon replies, and then hurries away, his footsteps silent on the carpeted floor. Baekhee somehow feels sad to see him leave like this- but if she were to be honest, she can’t say if it’s because she wanted Junmyeon to stay or just wanted anyone to stay. Because Junmyeon isn’t the only one who feels lonely, even if he has way more reason to.

*****

She ends up going home not in the last bus but earlier, although it’s quite dreadful. She doesn’t know what to expect at home, only counting on the fact that her mother would already be asleep. But no such luck- she checks the window before coming inside, and can see that the light is on. She walks in anyway, because she’s exhausted, and just wants to go sleep instead of staying out in the light rain, hoping that her mother will go to sleep. She oftentimes doesn’t, when the pain is too much and keeping her awake. 

There’s no greeting when she walks through the door, and she keeps silent as well, pretending she doesn’t know that anyone’s awake. She tiptoes into her room, avoiding the living room, and tosses her bag and other belongings on the bed. Baekhee quickly gathers all of her dirty laundry and walks into the kitchen to put it all in the washing machine.   
“You shouldn’t run the machine so late.” 

She can hear in her mother’s voice that she’s been crying, but she refuses to acknowledge that in any way. “Well, this is the only time I can do it, so I have to do it now,” she replies, fighting hard to keep her voice even. “I won’t make a habit of it.” 

“That’s because you’re never home.” Her voice is accusing, baiting Baekhee to start a fight with her, but Baekhee knows better than to fall down that path. “You’re never home, because you’re such an ungrateful child and I’m such a terrible mother that you can’t even bare to look at me.” 

Baekhee really has to grit her teeth together to not say anything harsh back. “You should go to bed,” is what she responds with. “It’s late.” 

Her mother huffs. “I would if I could! I haven’t slept in weeks, I’m in so much pain, and the doctors just keep saying they can’t prescribe anything stronger for me! They can’t do anything, I can’t sleep!” 

This is not the first time they’re having this conversation. “You have sleeping pills,” Baekhee reminds her, for the umpteenth time. “You can take those to sleep.” 

“They make me nauseous.” A reply Baekhee has heard a thousand times. “I can’t take those.” And Baekhee can hear how she pushes herself up from the armchair with much difficulty, and limps into the kitchen. She’d rather not face her like this- seeing her puffy face, messy hair, and dirty nightgown, it just all makes her stomach twist into knots. From pity, and from anger- she’s fought this war so long, she has no affection for her left. 

“You’re not doing your chores,” her mother changes course then, gesturing around the kitchen. “You’re just out all the time, doing god knows what! You’re supposed to come home and help, I can’t take care of the house on my own, that’s why you’re living at home now.” 

The anger is quickly overriding the pity. “I’m busy studying,” she says as calmly as she can. “And often when I finish at the library, it’s too late and the last bus has already left. I can’t come home then, I can’t afford to ride the taxi all the time.” 

“Fucking liar,” her mother seethes. “You’re just an ungrateful, spoiled brat who thinks she can do anything she wants while her mother is sick at home and needs her help. You think just because we allowed you to go to university that you’re an adult now, and can do anything you want. But that’s not how it is. For as long as you live under my roof, you obey my rules.” 

The insult cuts deep, no matter how Baekhee doesn’t want it to. She should be used to it- her mother has always had a way of getting under her skin, if with nothing else then through repetition alone. But these words, she’s never said before, yet it still hurts. It hurts, and it’s scary- she can hear the underlying threat in those words. 

“I’m studying hard to do well in university, since you and pa are paying for it,” she bites back. “That’s what’s keeping me away. I don’t want your money to go to waste. If I do well, I can get a scholarship, and then you won’t have to pay for it anymore. Isn’t that what you want? To get me an education so I can start taking care of you both, and keep at it until the day that I die?”

“How dare you talk to me like that!” Her mother steps up closer to her, but doesn’t touch her. She’s almost a head shorter than Baekhee too, but somehow, she’s still threatening like this. It’s the memories of past pain that intimidated Baekhee now, even though she knows she could never touch again. Wouldn’t dare to. 

“If you don’t start showing some humility and manners around here, we’re going to pull you out of university.” Her next words really startle Baekhee, pulling the rug from under her feet in one fell swoop. It’s nothing she ever thought she’d have to be afraid of- but of course her mother would use it against her. Threaten to take anything and everything away from her, just to keep her here, suffering like she is. 

Her mother can tell that her words had the wanted impact, and she keeps going, pressing now that she knows where it hurts. “We’ll pull you out, so you have no more excuses, and you have to stay at home until you show us that you deserve to study again,” she continues, a victorious gleam in her eyes. “If that’s how I have to teach you this lesson, then that’s what I’ll do, mark my words.”

“You wouldn’t,” Baekhee whispers, shaking her head. And she knows she wouldn’t- she was so proud when Baekhee got accepted, has been parading it around the neighborhood and sharing the news with all of their relatives. It would be simply too much to follow through with such a ridiculous threat. But now that she’s said it, and showed that the idea is in her head, Baekhee can’t help but be afraid that she might do it. Might really go that far just to win, just to keep Baekhee under her thumb.

“I would and I will, if you don’t start showing up at home every night,” she says. There’s glee in her voice. She knows she’s got Baekhee right where she wants her. 

But Baekhee is no longer who she used to be. She’s no longer underage and scared- she’s learnt, very quickly at that, that there are ways to escape. Ways out. And she’s been doing her best not to get into these situations, but since her mother wanted this confrontation, she’s not going to back down. Her anger flares up, and she marches past her mother to go into her room, and grabs her bag and her textbooks, before walking right out again. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” her mother tries to step in her way, but Baekhee breezes past her without hesitation. “I said where are you going, young lady?” 

“I’m leaving,” Baekhee hisses back at her as she slips her shoes on. It’s too bad all of her clothes are in the washer now- but she hopes, she prays, that this won’t be as permanent as it feels like right now. “I won’t listen to you talking to me like that, trying to manipulate me to bend to your will. All you have against me is fear, and I won’t give in to that anymore. Fine, stop paying my tuition. I’ll get a scholarship, whatever it takes. You can’t control me any longer.” 

There’s a lot more she could say, a lot more she wants to say, but the tears aren’t far and she knows her mother would ridicule her for crying without mercy. She can’t let her have that victory- she needs to leave, right now.

“If you walk out that door, don’t ever bother coming back,” her mother spits out, but Baekhee isn’t listening. If she’ll make good of that promise then fine- it’s not like she wants to come back. She pulls on her jacket and grabs her bag and books, and opens the front door.

“You can’t keep threatening to take away every single thing in my life I treasure,” she says, trying to keep her voice down so that not everyone in the building wakes up to their argument. “Because eventually, you’re going to run out of things to take away from me. You can’t control me, ma, you can’t keep me trapped here with you and your fucking disgusting misery. Have your pity party to yourself, because I’m done trying to be the adult around here.” 

She knows that her mother probably has a lot to say to that, but she isn’t going to stick around and listen. Instead, she steps out, and slams the door shut behind her before rushing down the stairs to get away. There’s a big part of her that worries that her mother might stay true to her word and not allow her to return- that her father might side with her and also not let her back in, at least not unless she shows some kind of remorse. And it stings that during that conversation, her father just stayed in the bedroom, pretended to be asleep and not hear- there’s no way he wasn’t woken up by the yelling, yet he didn’t interfere, didn’t try to stop Baekhee from leaving. 

Sometimes she wonders if he cares about her at all either, or if they’re just both victims to her mother’s toxicity.

It’s still raining outside, and Baekhee jogs to the only convenience store in the neighbourhood that stays open around the clock. There are a couple plastic tables outside underneath a small sunshade that in this light drizzle provides just enough coverage that she can stay dry while sitting next to the wall there. She buys a bottle of soju from the store to keep her company before sitting down, taking out her pack of cigarettes with shaky hands. The tears are threatening to spill over now, but she knows she cannot allow them to. She mustn’t cry. She’s not that weak. 

It’s such a late hour, but she’s too shaken up to care much for being polite or mindful of others. She takes out her phone and calls her brother’s number, holding the phone to her ear and taking a swig of the soju while she waits for him to pick up. 

“Hello.” His voice is gruff, thick. Baekhee pulls out a cigarette from the pack and sticks it in between her lips, fumbles with the lighter with one hand.

“Hello.” It’s hard to find the words. “Sorry for waking you up.” 

“Yeah, what’s up?” Baekhee can hear Baekbom’s wife mutter something in the background- she must have woken up as well. Too bad. 

“Mom’s your responsibility now.” The cigarette catches fire at last, and she takes a long drag from it. The sooner her senses dull, the sooner this pain is going to go away. “I can’t do this any longer.” 

“What did she do?” Baekbom doesn’t sound surprised, just resigned. “What happened, Baekhee-ya?” 

There’s a lump in her throat, and her voice nearly breaks as she answers. “She threatened to pull me out of uni if I don’t start playing the filial daughter,” she mutters. “Because I don’t spend enough time at home or whatever. And sure, I don’t, because I can’t stand to be around her. I’ve had enough. I’m done, oppa.” 

“It can’t be that bad.” Baekbom has always sided with their mother, even if he tries to be understanding towards Baekhee as well. “She just misses you, and doesn’t know how else to say it. It’s not so horrible to be around her, not always.”

“Then you have her live with you,” Baekhee says harshly. “You’re the eldest, it’s your fucking duty. Take her in and let me and dad live on our own, it’ll be much better that way. She likes you more than me, anyway. I don’t care, I just can’t live with that witch anymore.” 

Baekbom sighs. “Look, Baekhee… Can’t you be a little more understanding? She’s going through a difficult time right now.” 

“She’s been going through a difficult time since I was 9.” She’s allowed her brother to talk her into silence and obedience before, but not this time. She isn’t going to be silenced any longer. “You’re fucking 8 years older than me so you got to have a nice, loving mom, but I’ve never had that. All I’ve ever done is take care of her, put her needs before mine, and bend over to do her bidding, even when she’s asked me to do unreasonable things. I’ve been her shoulder to cry on, her personal helper and maid, her therapist, and I’m done, oppa! I’m fucking done.” 

There’s silence on the other end for a while. “Baekhee…” But the words don’t come so easily now, for which Baekhee is only grateful for. At least he listened to her, even if just this once. 

“Don’t worry about your university fees. I’ll cover it if I have to. You’re not dropping out of uni just because mom wants to punish you.” 

It’s not why Baekhee called him, not at all, but she can’t deny that a wave of relief washes over her. It would have eaten at her, at least until she would have secured a scholarship, and now she knows it’s one thing less to worry about. At least her mother can’t ruin the rest of her life by denying her the education she wants and needs. It’s increasingly more difficult to not give into the tears, but she presses on. 

“Thank you.” The less she dwells on it, the less emotional she’ll be. “I’ll figure out where I’m going to stay. Don’t worry about it, I’m not gonna crash on your couch. You live too far from campus, anyway.” 

“Then where are you going?”

Baekhee wants to laugh, but she doesn’t want to try and explain that she’s been living as though she was homeless ever since she got back from her high school dormitory, only rarely sleeping in her own bed. If her mother has vented about it to him, she doesn’t know, but it’s too long of a story to share with him now. And she doesn’t want him to worry, already feels bad for doing this to him- even when it shouldn’t be her responsibility alone to deal with their sick parent. 

“I’ll figure something out. Crash at Chanmi’s, probably. I don’t know. And once this blows over I’ll go back home.” She hopes she won’t have to- but if she has no choice, then she’ll do it. It won’t be the first time she’s had to grovel for forgiveness. 

“Alright. I’ll talk to ma in the morning, see if I can… If I can talk some sense into her. Does dad know?” 

Baekhee scoffs. “He must have heard it all, but he didn’t bother to say a word. Probably sides with ma, like always. Doesn’t matter. I don’t care.” 

“Fine. Take care, alright? It’s late. Take a taxi to Chanmi’s, I’ll send you some pocket money to tide you over until you get back into ma’s good graces.”

“Thank you.” Baekhee doesn’t often rely on him, so it feels good that he’s offering help so readily. It’s making it hard to fight the emotions, and so she knows she needs to end the phone call. “I’ll talk to you in the morning. Go back to bed. Tell eonni I’m sorry I woke you guys up.” 

“’S fine. Talk to you later.” And Baekbom ends the call just like that, leaving Baekhee alone with her thoughts and soju bottle. 

And really, she should just call up Chanmi and spend the night there. Or just show up behind their door. But she finds that just the thought of that makes her throat and chest feel uncomfortably tight, just the thought of allowing her and her happy family to see her like this, chased out of the house, lost and scared, it’s too much. They would worry and they would overwhelm her with affection and pity, and she doesn’t want that. Her skin crawls just imagining it, someone touching her, trying to comfort her. She can’t, she cannot face that. Not now. Not when it’s all still so fresh. 

There’s only one person that comes to mind. Really, it should be her childhood friend she could trust with this, but perhaps it’s exactly because she still doesn’t know Junmyeon so well that it makes this easier. And because she knows that Junmyeon understands- because he, too, know very well how it’s like to grow up in a dysfunctional family. 

Junmyeon answers the phone almost immediately. “Hi,” he stammers, sounding confused but not sleepy. “Hi, what’s up?” 

“Hello, can I come over?” Baekhee is done playing any games. “I, uh, I kind of have a situation going on and I can’t go home tonight. Would you mind if I took a cab and came over for tonight? I know it’s late but I don’t know what else to do.” 

She finishes her cigarette and takes out another, waiting for Junmyeon to process her words fully. “Uh, of course,” Junmyeon mumbles. “Yeah, I mean, yes. Sure thing. I wasn’t sleeping so, don’t worry, you’re not being an inconvenience. Just come over. Uh, I’ll text you the address?” 

Getting a cab in her part of town at that hour isn’t easy, but at least she gets back across the river in no time. She doesn’t make the driver take her all the way to Junmyeon’s house since it’s a little out of the way, and walks the rest of the way there. It’s quiet, no other people around, and she hurries along, scurrying up the dark stairway while holding her breath. But when she gets on the roof Junmyeon is there, the front door to his small house open and flooding with warm, yellow light, while he sits out on the small, wooden raised patio. It has stopped raining at last, leaving the air crisp and light, just for once.

It’s such a nice image, somehow, that Baekhee wishes she could take a picture of it to keep. 

Junmyeon stands up when he sees her. “There you are,” he says, gesturing for her to hurry inside. “I was worried. I mean, I know you’re out late all the time but, still. I couldn’t help but think- well. Doesn’t matter, you’re here, safe. Come inside, let’s get you to bed.” 

“I can take the couch, this time,” Baekhee protests. It looks like Junmyeon did some hurried cleaning, if the pile of dishes in the sink and the hastily made bed are any indication. It’s cute. “You let me have the bed, last time.” 

Junmyeon just shakes his head. “I don’t, uh, really sleep much?” he says, somehow almost guiltily. “I don’t know. Ever since I became invisible, I kind of haven’t needed as much sleep or food as before. I don’t know. Some sort of side effect, I guess? Anyway. I’ll probably nap for like an hour or two so, it wouldn’t make any sense for me to take the bed.” 

“Oh.” It’s a lot of new information, but Baekhee is too tired to do much else but take in a stride. And the futon does look inviting, too, so she doesn’t hesitate to set down her books and just lie down with a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of the day on her shoulders.

“I could make tea or a small snack if you want- if you need anything, just ask…” Junmyeon is clearly very lost as to how to handle the situation, and Baekhee wants to make this easy on him. She waves her hand at him dismissively and gets up, although only to pull back the covers and take off her outer layers, as well as her skirt and tights, so she can sleep more comfortably. Junmyeon squeaks and that makes Baekhee laugh, finding it plenty amusing how shy he is to witness her undressing. But it’s precious. 

“No, I really just want to sleep. I’ll be out of your hair tomorrow morning, don’t worry. Let’s just sleep, yeah? I’ve been enough of a burden to you already.” She slips underneath the covers, and takes her bra off underneath her shirt before getting comfortable. Her mind is still on overdrive and she knows sleep won’t come easy, but at least she can pretend. She doesn’t want him to ask any questions, doesn’t want to explain anything.

“Don’t worry about it. There’s no rush.” Junmyeon turns off the lights, and curls up on the couch with a blanket quietly. “I just… I’m just glad you… that you turned to me. That you trusted me. Thank you for that, Baekhee. Thank you for… thinking about me, when you needed someone.” 

Now that’s- that’s unexpected. Baekhee blinks at the dark ceiling. To think that Junmyeon is grateful that she reached out… that she came over, came here when she needed a place to go. 

It’s haunting, how Junmyeon has so little that he’s grateful for even something like this. That even this, as burdensome as it is, feels like something worth cherishing.   
Baekhee’s heart clenches, but she wills the feeling away. She doesn’t want to cry. 

“It’s me who should say thanks,” she murmurs. “I bothered you like this… Thank you for letting me in. Letting me stay here. I know I didn’t even explain why but… Honestly? I came here because I knew you wouldn’t ask.” 

Junmyeon hums quietly. “It’s not that I don’t care,” he replies. “It’s not that I don’t want to know and help, but like. I know that even if you did tell me, I probably couldn’t really help, so why should I know? And these things are painful to talk about, too. Like… I don’t want you to hurt anymore. You wanted to escape and, now you’re here, so why should I bring the demons back by making you talk about them? As much as I’ve grown to hate silence… Silence is comforting, as well.” 

There’s such wisdom to Junmyeon’s words, and Baekhee realizes that he’s verbalizing thoughts she’s had before but couldn’t quite put into words herself. Perhaps it’s a distorted logic, but it’s one that makes sense, to them, who have been through things that are so very difficult to talk about. Where the issues are beyond anything that could be cured through just talking about it- not that it wouldn’t help, maybe, but now when it’s all still so fresh and painful, no. 

No one has ever understood that before. Not even Chanmi, even if she’s always let Baekhee have her space. She’s been respectful, even if she couldn’t quite comprehend why. But Junmyeon, he knows. He understands. 

It’s not the first time she’s felt that they’re sort of kindred spirits. Been through similar things, look at the world through similar lenses- even if the way they’ve chosen to respond to their circumstances couldn’t possibly be more different. Yet they still understand each other so well, have this connection. 

It almost feels fated that they met like they did. 

“Thank you.”


	4. Chapter 4

Baekhee wakes up early in the morning to a familiar feeling, even if at first it doesn’t fully register in her mind. It wakes her up but leaves her confused, unsure why she’s awake now that the feeling is gone, disappearing. She lies there, staring at the ceiling and wondering what it could have been, the realization that she’s sleeping in Junmyeon’s bed coming to her slowly. The recollection of what happened the previous night, how she ended up here.

She idly wonders about the clothes she could wear to class today, when it happens again. Just the tiniest sensation, between her legs- but she knows instantaneously what it is.   
Her period. 

She throws the blankets off and can see the blood on her thighs, on her underwear. That makes her panic and she scrambles to stand up and get off the futon. The sheets are dark so she can’t see the stain but she’s sure there has to be one, although she doesn’t stay to look at it, instead dashing into Junmyeon’s bathroom, only pausing to grab her bag on her way. 

Shame burns through her as she cleans herself up and rummages through her bag to try and find a single pad or a tampon to fix the situation. No matter how much time she’s spent sleeping in other people’s beds, this has never happened before- go figure it had to happen in Junmyeon’s bed, of all people. She curses and wipes herself clean before sitting down on the toilet seat, unsure of what to do next. 

“Fuck…” Baekhee tugs on a strand of her hair in annoyance. She’s so pissed at herself, for letting this happen- if she was responsible, she would keep track of her cycle, but she’s never bothered to do that. But the knowledge that this is her fault only serves to make her angrier, more frustrated to find herself in this situation. Her mother must be right, she really is useless, an irresponsible idiot who can’t take care of even the smallest things in the world. 

“No, you fucking stop that right now, Byun Baekhee,” she scolds herself out loud. “No, you do not let her make you think that…” 

“Are you alright?” Junmyeon’s voice comes out unsure and confused, and Baekhee can’t blame him. It must be weird- Baekhee probably woke him up when she got up, and the walls here are thin. He must have been wondering what was taking her so long, why she kept cursing. And now this. 

She’s so, so ashamed to say it out loud, but she steels herself. There’s no reason to be embarrassed- it’s normal, after all, although the mess she must have made on the bed… god, she hopes she’ll be able to get the stain out of the bedding. But she will be stuck here until her period ends, unless she asks Junmyeon for help. 

Baekhee wants to cuss again. Junmyeon can’t handle even being visible in a class room, how is he going to take care of something like this? But there’s no choice. 

“I uh… I think my period started last night,” she replies, biting her tongue angrily as her voice wavers. How she hates showing weakness, hates having to ask for things like this. “I… I don’t have any pads with me.”

“Oh?” Junmyeon sounds stunned, to say the least, although not disgusted. “That’s… that’s awful. What do you, what can I do? Should I get you pads? But I don’t know what kind of pads, I’ve never bought them… How would I know which ones to get? Where do you get pads?” 

Just the fact that Junmyeon isn’t rejecting the whole idea of buying her some, only fretting about getting the right ones, is comforting enough to Baekhee. But she figures he must do some grocery shopping, at least- how else would he get by? 

“Oh, it really doesn’t matter, anything will do at this point,” Baekhee replies, forcing her tone to stay calm and unbothered. There’s no reason to be upset, no reason to show Junmyeon that she’s so rattled by this. “Anything that says it’s for heavy flow should be good enough. It’ll be marked clearly. But Junmyeon… I also got my panties dirty. I’m going to need new ones, too…”

She wishes she could see his face right now, because it must be something quite funny, even if she can’t find it in herself to laugh at this situation right now. “I will… I will take care of it,” Junmyeon almost whispers, obviously quite mortified with how this is escalating. “I’ll- I’ll be back, soon, just hang in tight, alright? Don’t worry, I’ll be back, I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry, please.” 

“I’m not worried, I believe in you.” Baekhee has to lie through her teeth, but Junmyeon needs all the positive reinforcement he can have. Only the door slamming shut behind him indicates that he’s left the apartment. 

Baekhee knows she needs to act quick, however. Stuffing her panties with toilet paper, she leaves the bathroom to strip the bed. Thankfully there’s no blood on the futon, so the only thing she needs to wash is the bed sheet. And it’s where the tears finally come, burning hot and shameful as she soaks the sheet in cold water and soap in the sink. Not that she even acknowledges them- it would be admitting defeat, in her books, to give into them, to give herself the luxury to properly cry. The crying she did the night before was more than plenty, she doesn’t need to give into emotion once again. 

She’s strong, and the world needs to know that she’s strong as well. 

She has time to wash her panties as well, and she sits down on the toilet then to wait for Junmyeon’s return. Time goes by slowly, her mind racing to come up with ideas- what if Junmyeon doesn’t come back? What if he comes back empty handed? She can’t stay here forever. Baekhee even contemplates calling Chanmi and asking her to come and rescue her, because she knows she would; she would even walk out of class to come save her, if only Baekhee asked her to. 

But luckily, she doesn’t have to do that. She hears Junmyeon turn the key in the lock and then step in, the sound of his shoes hitting the floor as he kicks them off. “I’m back,” he announces, even if it’s completely in vain. “I got you everything- I’ll slip them in, if you open the door for me. Just a bit, I won’t peek in, don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that. I’ll just give these to you.” 

“It isn’t locked,” Baekhee replies, her emotions teetering on the verge of relief but still not quite convinced. Junmyeon hesitantly turns the knob and slides the door open, only the tiniest bit, before pushing his hand through, before dropping a black plastic bag inside. He’s quick to slam the door shut, so quick that Baekhee worries a little for his fingers. But that brings a smile on her face, seeing him act so flustered over this- she knows plenty of guys who wouldn’t have done this for her, who would have made it seem something even more embarrassing and disgusting than how she already feels, so Junmyeon’s response is in a way comforting. 

She’s surprised to see two packs of pads in the bag, as well as a triple set of panties. “Where’d you get all this?” she can’t help but ask, not that it really matters. “I’ll pay you back for these of course, don’t worry. Thank you so much.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to give me a penny for these.” Junmyeon sounds a little bit gleeful all of a sudden. Baekhee steps out of the bathroom to find him getting started on cooking breakfast. He glances at her but his cheeks flush a bright pink and he’s quick to turn his head away, since Baekhee is only wearing her t-shirt and panties right now. Baekhee smiles despite herself, although she hurries to get dressed so Junmyeon doesn’t have to feel so awkward. 

“I insist, though,” she replies. “You went through all that for me, too. Buying this stuff is hard for guys, isn’t it? So of course I’ll pay you back. Or buy you dinner, at least.” 

Junmyeon giggles- the sound so new and sudden that it takes Baekhee by complete surprise. She realizes she’s never heard him laugh out loud like that, has only seen tentative smiles and heard timid, short laughs. This is new- and confusing, because she has no idea why he’s feeling so cheerful right now. 

“You don’t owe me money,” he repeats, as he flicks the rice cooker on. “Also, feel free to take another shirt from my closet if you need one.” 

“Thanks,” Baekhee replies, tying her hair up at the top to get the strands of hair out of her face. “But seriously. I don’t want to put you out any more than this. Let me pay.” 

“But I didn’t pay any money for those,” Junmyeon snickers, finally turning to look at Baekhee again. There’s a sparkle in his eyes that lightens up his entire appearance in a way Baekhee has never seen before. “So it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” 

The words coming out of his mouth make no sense. “What do you mean you didn’t pay?” Baekhee questions, stepping in closer to him. She doesn’t like guessing games. “Who’d you get that stuff from?” 

Junmyeon looks so, so terribly pleased with himself, although hesitant to tell her the truth at the same time. “I stole them,” he eventually gets out, biting his lower lip to hold back his wide grin. “It’s really easy when you’re invisible, you know, but it always gives me such a thrill. So you shouldn’t worry. You don’t owe me money for any of it, so don’t even think about it anymore.”

Baekhee’s jaw drops. “Junmyeon oppa!” she scolds him, although there’s no heat to her voice. Junmyeon seems to get that, because while his shoulders rise up a little, he’s quick to relax once again, his grin still in place. “That’s so- that’s so dishonest! How can you go around stealing stuff, you gotta pay for it!” 

“Well, I don’t _always_ steal stuff, so it isn’t a big deal. Just a little bit here and there, it’s fun. Makes your heart beat real fast, too, it’s so exciting. Makes me feel more alive again. I like it, that feeling. It isn’t like I don’t know it’s wrong, Baekhee, I’m not stupid. I just need a little fun sometimes, you know?” And now the familiar sadness is creeping back in, quickly suffocating the sudden cheerfulness that Junmyeon so, so rarely displays. 

It makes Baekhee feel terrible. She understands the reason why- it’s the same as Junmyeon wandering around loud crowds, around bright, brilliant people. Because it makes him feel something, gives him something else to focus on but himself and his loneliness. 

How could she scold him now, and what reason does Junmyeon have to treat the world fairly when it hasn’t treated him that way back? 

There’s something so infinitely sad about it, but it’s also funny. An invisible thief, going around stealing pads and knickers and whatever else. It makes Baekhee laugh just thinking about it, and Junmyeon laughs with her, probably sharing the sentiment. 

“I never knew oppa was such a trickster,” Baekhee teases, gently bumping her hip against his as she stands next to him to start helping him with breakfast. “What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever stolen?”

“Hm,” Junmyeon thinks about it for a while, his hands working expertly with the knife. “I stole a bottle of Jack Daniels, once. No real reason, really. I just wanted to get drunk and wanted to try something new, you know? I stole it from a convenience store, too, it was so easy. It tasted horrible though, I wouldn’t recommend it. But you’ve probably had it already, haven’t you?” 

“I have,” Baekhee says with a laugh, “but really, oppa? That’s all? That’s kinda lame, you know. Just a battle of jack, that’s nothing special.” 

“Hey, a bottle of that stuff is like 50,000 or 70,000 won,” Junmyeon defends himself with a huff. “It’s not cheap, it’s imported and all that. I’m not trying to go to jail, there’s no point in stealing something expensive just for the heck of it. I just sometimes take what I need without paying, anything more than that would feel way too wrong.” 

There’s hardly any logic there, but Baekhee isn’t going to point it out to him. It’s too funny, discovering this side of Junmyeon when she thought of him as someone timid and proper. But she’s glad she doesn’t have him all figured out yet- it leaves something to look forward to, in the future. 

But Junmyeon’s words also raise questions, and Baekhee is more than ready to steer the conversation to talking about Junmyeon anyway. “If you don’t mind me asking…” she begins, cracking and whisking eggs in a bowl as per Junmyeon’s instructions, “How do you get by? Living on your own and all that… Do you work?”

Junmyeon glances at her warily, but he responds anyway. “No, I don’t work. But you probably guessed as much. I have… I have my parents’ card, that’s pretty much it. They’re filthy rich, they don’t care. Don’t care about me or what I do for as long as I don’t bother them, I guess. I try to live modestly, try not to cause too much fuss. They really don’t care about me, it’s easier for them to not have me live at home. It’s a silent agreement, I guess.” 

Baekhee doesn’t have it in her to be terribly jealous, knowing how much Junmyeon suffers from his loneliness and how living independently probably doesn’t help that any, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish she could live like this as well. “I want to live on my own, too,” she sighs, stepping over to the stove to cook the omelet. “But I can’t afford it. My parents can’t afford it. Everything dad earns goes to mom’s medication and things… but paying rent with just a part time job, it’s not possible either.” 

“I understand that.” Junmyeon doesn’t look at her now, instead working quietly on preparing the rest of the side dishes for their breakfast. It’s still so early, the sun barely rising above the buildings now, casting the apartment in its warm glow. “How did you… how did you end up with no place to stay last night? Didn’t you go home?” 

It was to be expected, that he would ask. Baekhee didn’t yet have time to come up with a good excuse, though- she would have, but she passed out so quickly the night before and then the dramatic start to the day took her mind off it completely. But perhaps… perhaps, Junmyeon doesn’t deserve just a made up story. 

“I got in an argument with my mom,” she confesses. “Stupid stuff. It just escalated and yeah, I had to walk out. Don’t know when I can go back, though, I mean, I guess whenever me and ma finally make up. Whenever that’ll be.” 

“Oh.” Junmyeon sounds a little surprised, but he’s quick to hide it away. Baekhee can appreciate his sensitivity. “I, uh… listen, Baekhee, if you need- if you need a place to stay, until you can go home, then you can stay with me. I don’t mind. Like, we could set up like a partition or something, next to the bed, you could have some privacy and all- I wouldn’t mind hosting you, is all I’m saying. If you need it.” 

But no matter how much that tugs at her heartstrings, no matter how welcome the offer is, Baekhee knows she cannot agree. Cannot let Junmyeon do that, no matter how willingly he said it. She’s already done enough damage here, and not with just the surprise period. She can’t stay.

“I’ll think about it.” It’s easier to lie than say the truth, to refuse outright. She should- she shouldn’t string him on, but even so. The conversation is quickly getting uncomfortable for her, and she decidedly doesn’t like that. It’s exactly why she was trying to steer it away from herself, but Junmyeon didn’t take the hint. Perhaps willingly so. 

Junmyeon’s eyes are full of unsaid words, when Baekhee finally meets his gaze. Yet all he does is nod, and doesn’t bring it up again, lets Baekhee stay in her comfort zone even if they both know exactly what’s going on. 

It’s why Baekhee has grown fond of him. Because he understands.

*****

Hopping from one place to another to sleep, and having to buy new clothes every time she needs to get changed because she hasn’t been able to pick up her clothes from home is hardly a challenge compared to how difficult it is to get Junmyeon to agree on a time and place to meet her friends. For one, it isn’t simple to agree on such with even just the four of them, but Junmyeon is just as skilled at making excuses as Baekhee is herself. The midterm season doesn’t help any, because fast approaching deadlines and exams are something no one can argue with. Still, Baekhee quickly gets fed up with him, and realizes she needs to put her foot down or else it’s never going to happen. Junmyeon needs more than just gentle coaxing- he needs a good push, in order to take the leap. 

The weather has warmed up at last, and with the midterms out of the way, Baekhee decides that they should all enjoy the outdoors before diving back into their studies. Kyungsoo, Jongdae, and Chanmi all readily agree, and they make plans for a picnic near the river in a park nearby. But at the same time, Baekhee makes plans with Junmyeon, asking him to join her for a walk by the water after the classes end. When Junmyeon wonders why, she just shrugs and claims she needs some fresh air, wants to feel the wind on her face. 

He only agrees after Baekhee assures him that there won’t be many people there, since it’s a weekday and still a little early. And Baekhee knows that this is a risky plan- but she needs to do something, because it’s clear to her now that Junmyeon isn’t ever going to agree to meet her friends, no matter how much he says he wants to. 

They meet up near a subway station exit, Junmyeon greeting her with a touch to her arm, wordlessly, still invisible next to her. As much as Baekhee has somewhat gotten used to it, it still startles her, and she barely muffles her shriek into her palm. “Sorry,” Junmyeon mumbles from where he’s now standing next to her. “There’s just, there are so many people here. I’ll become visible when we’re alone. Mostly alone. Something like that.” 

“Fine, fine,” Baekhee murmurs as she begins to walk heading towards the spot where she agreed to meet the other three. It’s a bit of a walk from here, which she hopes will be enough to allow Junmyeon to relax, get used to the environment at least. The skies are overcast and most people haven’t gotten off work yet, so it quiet, only a few people walking their dogs or breezing past them with their eyes glued to their phone screens. No one is paying them any mind, which is just how Baekhee wants it.

“How did your exams go?” she asks to make small talk, adjusting her bag strap on her shoulder. “Well, we still didn’t get most of them back but, do you think you did alright?” 

“I hope so,” Junmyeon says. Baekhee can feel how close to her he is, the warmth of his body radiating next to hers, his sleeve brushing against her bare arm every once in a while. “I studied a lot but it has been so long since I’ve last gone to school, I don’t know. I felt a little rusty, if I’m honest. Taking exams and such. It was a lot of pressure.” 

“How exactly do you attend university like this?” Baekhee wonders. It’s something that has been on her mind for a long time, but now that they’re on the topic, it feels relevant to ask. “They don’t even call your name in roll call.” 

“Ah, that…” Junmyeon sounds like he’s smiling. Baekhee thinks she can see his outline ever so slightly, which is a good sign. “Well, you know. I had to make some arrangements. It wasn’t easy, and I had to tell the truth about myself to the dean to get his approval for this, but it all worked out in the end. I guess they don’t really care for as long as I pay my tuition and don’t cause any trouble.” 

“I guess.” Baekhee laughs with him. Not that there was anything funny about what he said- but it’s just comfortable, and she feels happy, chatting and walking by the river like this. It’s so… so normal. She feels so at ease every time she talks to him, it’s almost strange. 

“I’m really happy that you asked me to come today,” Junmyeon suddenly says in earnest, gently gripping Baekhee’s wrist. He’s becoming more and more visible now, so much so that Baekhee can even tell what kind of clothes he’s wearing. “It means a lot. You probably don’t understand because you’re so popular and you always have people to keep you company but this is… this is the first time anyone has ever invited me like this. To just do fun things together.” 

“Ah, this is nothing,” Baekhee huffs. “We’re just walking around. There’s no reason to be so grateful, oppa. Don’t be silly.” 

Junmyeon shrugs a little, and lets go of her hand slowly. “It’s huge to me,” he murmurs. “I told you, I’ve never had real friends. If I ever wanted to go anywhere, I always had to go alone. I’ve never been to Han river with someone else, it’s always just been me.” 

Now Baekhee almost feels bad- she should have just done this with him alone, just the two of them. But it’s too late now, and really, ripping the bandage off will never become any easier. They just have to jump that hurdle, and the time for that is now. 

“Well, you’re not alone anymore,” she chirps, wrapping her arm around his. She can see her friends already- they’ve set up quilts on the grass and laid out the food, the whole scene so inviting, with Chanmi describing something animatedly while Kyungsoo and Jongdae listen to her with smiles and laughs. Who wouldn’t want to join that, be a part of that? 

“And now, you don’t only have me. You also have my friends.” And she pulls him along the last few steps, ignoring his confused spluttering, holding onto him tightly to make sure he can’t run away. “Hi guys, I hope you didn’t eat all of the food yet!” 

They all turn around to look, although Baekhee can read the confusion on their faces. Without even looking, she can tell that Junmyeon must have at least partially vanished- it must be an odd sight, not having seen it before although she did explain the situation to both Kyungsoo and Jongdae to prepare them. But she ignores all that, and just marches up to them, still holding onto Junmyeon’s arm, fingers curled in the fabric of his sleeve. She will not let go of him until she’s sure he’ll stay. 

“No, there’s still plenty of it left, I wouldn’t let these two piggies eat until you got here,” Kyungsoo replies, slowly getting up on his feet and doing a slight bow to greet Junmyeon. “Hyung- Baekhee has told us a lot about you. It’s nice to meet you, at last.”

The tension is palpable. Baekhee finally chances a look at Junmyeon and realizes he’s completely invisible now, even though she can still feel his body next to hers. Junmyeon says nothing in response to Kyungsoo while Kyungsoo stares at him, or rather where he should be, expectantly. Chanmi nudges Jongdae to get up as well, and they both greet Junmyeon as well.

Baekhee is suddenly well aware of how strange this must look, and urges everyone to sit down, dragging Junmyeon along with her on the blanket and forcing him to sit down next to her. Their thighs press together as Baekhee refuses to let go of his arm, and it would make Baekhee a little flustered under other circumstances but she decides to ignore it. It’s not like Junmyeon wants to be this close to her, anyway. 

“This is Kyungsoo, this is Chanmi, and this is Jongdae,” she quickly introduces them all to Junmyeon. “But I think you already knew that. You’ve seen them in class, haven’t you?” 

There’s no response from Junmyeon. He seems to be completely frozen from fear- the only bright side is that at least he isn’t actively trying to escape. Baekhee sees her friends exchanging looks, obviously a bit wary of the whole thing, but then Chanmi does what she always does best; tries her hardest to make everyone around her as comfortable as possible. 

“Let’s eat now, since we’re all here,” she says cheerfully, opening up the boxes of fried chicken and kimbap. “Who wants soju? Gosh, I’ve been waiting for an excuse to get a little tipsy for so long, I can’t even remember the last time we had a chance to get drinks together. You should come with us next time, Junmyeon oppa, it would be fun.” 

Junmyeon mumbles something incoherent, but Chanmi acts as though it’s all she needed to hear. “That’s decided then,” she laughs. “We’ve already settled on a second date! Oh, that’s fun.” 

“Why do you not have a boyfriend already, when you set up dates so easily,” Kyungsoo grumbles from beside her. “Yah, give hyung some space, alright? He just barely got here and doesn’t even know us yet. Let him breathe.” 

Jongdae can’t resist the temptation, and pipes up, “Chanmi has her heart set on someone, you know. That’s why she can’t accept just anyone. But she’s a total wimp around the person she really likes, so she can’t ask him out so easily.” He winks obnoxiously at Baekhee and Junmyeon, and Baekhee has an urge to smack him on the head- that was so uncalled for, no matter how frustrated she also is with the push and pull between Chanmi and Kyungsoo. 

Kyungsoo’s cheeks are burning a dark shade of red, as are Chanmi’s, neither of them able to look at one another. “I see,” Kyungsoo mumbles, angrily shoving food in his mouth. “I see.” 

To her surprise, Baekhee can hear how Junmyeon is snickering beside her, no matter how quietly. So he caught on, then- but then again, he must have known, having seen them all interact before. She forgets how much he actually knows about everyone, because it’s so forget that he’s ever even there. Sneaky little bastard. 

Junmyeon gently taps at her arm then, clearing his throat. Everyone else freezes a little, for just a split second, before going back to what they were doing, making a point of not turning it into a huge deal. Baekhee is so, so grateful, because the last thing Junmyeon needs is unnecessary hassle. 

“Uh, you can let go now,” he almost whispers, his voice barely carrying over even to Baekhee who’s still pressed up against him. “I need my hand to eat… the food looks so delicious, I want a taste…” 

He must really feel out of sorts, to talk in such a clipped manner when he usually is a nervous rambler. But Baekhee lets go of him, and scoots away from him a little to give him some space. Jongdae pushes a box of sweet and sour chicken closer to Junmyeon with a broad smile. 

“Hyung, do you like this kind of chicken? Or just the fried kind? We didn’t know, so we got both. Let me pour you a shot, too, you’re the oldest after all.” 

“Ah that’s fine… I don’t really feel like I want to drink,” Junmyeon mutters. It’s clear on Jongdae’s face that he didn’t hear him, so Baekhee repeats his words for him before it gets awkward. Before there’s too much pressure on him. Jongdae nods in understand, and reaches for the cola bottle next. 

“So what about this? We got it as service, too. Pretty neat, huh? But if you don’t like it then I could run to that 7-Eleven over there and get something else.” 

“You’re… you’re too nice.” Junmyeon’s voice still doesn’t carry, and Baekhee has to repeat it again. But it makes everyone else smile fondly, almost, something in the atmosphere shifting ever so slightly. One step away from the awkward tension toward something more genuine and comfortable. 

Kyungsoo breaks the silence with a scoff. “Jongdae is the last person you should call that,” he says, pointing a wooden chopstick at him. “He’s just a well-groomed bully, you know. A little nasty devil- he appears all nice and well-mannered but only until he’s got enough dirt on you to turn on you, and make your life a living hell.” 

Everyone bursts into laughter, even Junmyeon, and Jongdae struggles to mask his amusement in order to pretend to be terribly wounded by Kyungsoo’s harsh words. “You’re the evil one,” he exclaims, chucking a chicken bone at Kyungsoo’s head. “I would never bad-mouth you like that! You’re a terrible friend, Kyungsoo!” 

“Kyungsoo is not a terrible friend,” Chanmi joins in, kicking out at Jongdae with her foot. “Take that back, he’s very considerate and attentive!” 

“You’re only saying that because you’re blind to his flaws,” Jongdae huffs, although he doesn’t retaliate to Chanmi physically, even if that doesn’t stop him from using his most effective weapon against her- his pout. 

But even despite all the yelling and ruckus, Baekhee can hear how Junmyeon keeps laughing next to her, even if he remains invisible throughout the entire picnic. At least he’s enjoying himself- it’s more than Baekhee could have asked for, really, and she’s relieved that he finds all this amusing. That he isn’t intimidated by all the noise and playful banter, no matter how obnoxious it gets. 

When they finally end the outing and they all head home, Junmyeon glues himself to her side as they walk the opposite direction from the other three. “I had a lot of fun today,” he muses, reinstating what Baekhee already knows. “I didn’t… Well, I mean, I hoped I would have fun with you guys. I often listen to you talk, all together, and have to try so hard to hold back my laughter so I wouldn’t be heard but, well, I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how I would feel if I was going to actually join you guys. And then I did and it was so much fun. Thank you for inviting me.” 

Baekhee gently nudges his shoulder with hers, smiling as she hears him stumble a little. “Idiot, you could have been having this much fun all this time. It was you who kept refusing to join us,” she says with a huff. “But I’m happy to hear that. I know we’re a loud bunch, and I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. It’s a relief that it all went so well. Wish you had talked more, though. I don’t think you said even a word that entire time.” 

“I was too nervous to,” Junmyeon admits. “Like, what if I’m not funny enough, what if what I have to say isn’t interesting… And you guys know each other so well that, well, it’s hard to butt in with anything when I don’t always know the full context. You know?” 

Baekhee nods. “Well, even someone more sociable than you would find it hard to jump into an existing circle of friends,” she comforts him, glancing at her watch. It’s barely eight in the evening, but she knows that she still needs to find a place to spend the night. 

Junmyeon seems to read her silent cue. “You still haven’t made up with your mother?” he asks cautiously. “It’s been over a week already. Or are you just avoiding going home like usual?”

She can tell that he’s trying his best not to press too much, even despite how obviously worried he is. If it were anyone else, she would lie- but with Junmyeon, it feels too unfair on him when he’s never been anything but honest with her. “I still haven’t made up with her, no,” she admits reluctantly. “I know I should, but it’s just… I just hate groveling in front of her. She’ll feel as though she’s proven something. I don’t know. It’s just uncomfortable.”

Junmyeon brushes the back of his hand against hers. “I understand,” he murmurs quietly so that the group of high school girls passing them by can’t hear. “Swallowing your pride isn’t easy, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. Why would you go back anyway, when you clearly feel so miserable there? But even so, I worry… It’s not easy to not have a place to stay. I went through that as well, for a little while. It was so stressful, I don’t understand how you do it.” 

Baekhee shrugs. “I can’t afford my own place, though,” she replies. “It’s just what it is. And none of my friends want to move out to live with me, so. Guess I could move into a goshiwon but that’s still too much money… Chanmi’s mother would take me in without question, I guess, but it’s just too burdensome… I don’t want to be a burden to them. Her family has done so much for me already.” 

She’s spent a great deal of time thinking about her options, but none are too great. She can’t move in with her brother, not with Chanmi, can’t afford to live alone. But Junmyeon is right- it’s tiring. At least before she could still go home, if she didn’t manage to find someplace else to stay, but now without that backup plan, she’s had to spend nights at 24-hour cafés and fast food restaurants. It’s beginning to eat at her, and she knows that her friends have noticed it as well. But what is she to do? Going back to her mother and begging her to let her back in seems like her only choice. 

Junmyeon’s hand is surprisingly steady as he grabs hers, although he’s quick to let go. As though he regrets his whim as soon as he acted upon it. Yet he still speaks his mind, no matter how nervous he might be to bring up his suggestion again. 

“You know… You could really live with me, for now. I already told you, I have these screens you can use to divide up the living space, so you could have the privacy you need. Just so you would have a place to go, if you ever need one. You wouldn’t bother me, either. You know I don’t sleep much, and you also know how desperate I am for company… So having you there would only benefit me. And I know the hut is shabby and kind of uncomfortable, but we could make the inside as nice you want it to be. I just haven’t bothered, not for myself. It didn’t seem so necessary. But for you, I would like to do that.” 

It’s a lot to take in- it’s not something Baekhee thought he was serious about, when he brought it up last. It’s certainly not something she seriously considered. Junmyeon is such a recluse, and taking in someone to stay in his small living space just seems so out of character for him. And Baekhee out of all people- a girl, nonetheless. They’re not that close, not by Baekhee’s standards, even if she’s already trusted him at moments of weakness where she felt it impossible to turn to even Chanmi. 

And most importantly, there are heavy implications to accepting that offer. Mostly in Baekhee’s head, and she knows this, but it’s still all too real. Certainly, she would bother less people this way than by staying over at Chanmi’s, but she would still be an inconvenience to somebody. Sharing such a limited space with someone of the opposite gender as well, there’s no way it could be comfortable for Junmyeon who gets so flustered just witnessing Baekhee get changed. She would owe him so much after that, and how would she ever make it up to him?

“That’s a little… Don’t you think you would be burdened, having to live with me? We’re friends and all that but, living with someone can be so frustrating. You don’t have a lot of space in your home either…” She’s trying to buy time, trying to find a way to politely refuse him without hurting his feelings. She knows that this must mean a lot for Junmyeon- he wouldn't have brought it up again, if he hadn't really thought about it. But how could she accept?

She realizes then that perhaps, Junmyeon also feels like he owes her. That her favor of introducing him to new people is so huge that this is the only way to properly thank her. 

“Like I said, I would love the company. The both times you’ve stayed over, it’s been so lovely. Hearing someone else breathe in the night, hearing someone else moving about. Having someone to talk to over breakfast. It was so, so nice- I would love more of that.” Junmyeon sounds so sincere. “So no, it would not be a burden. Of course, it’s a little cramped, but you know- it’s not meant to be permanent. You’ll figure out something else, or go back home, or if I can- I’ll find a bigger place. It’s not like I couldn’t afford it, you know. Please consider it.” 

And to her surprise, there’s a small voice at the back of her mind, urging her to just accept it. It would be so nice, to always know she has a place to go- she wouldn’t have to go, not unless she wanted to, it would just be the comfort of having that option. Having a place to keep her books, and clothes, and other things. It would be… Well, it would be sweet, the memory of Junmyeon waiting for her outside flashing through her mind. The breakfast Junmyeon cooked for her. 

“But even so… You should think about it more, before offering such things. It’s a big promise. What if you regret it later? What if you find out that I’m really fucking annoying, and that you can’t actually stand me?” Baekhee laughs to hide how true her words ring. She tries so hard to be loved by everyone, but she has no doubt that if anyone were to live with her, they would surely discover the uglier side of her. It’s disconcerting to even think about. 

“I’m sure you would find it reasonable if I asked you to move out again, if I really had to go that far,” Junmyeon replies. “Though I doubt that it would ever get that bad no matter what. You’re such a sweet, beautiful girl, Baekhee. Your presence is a sort of light, this warmth beside me. You know this, I’ve told you this. It would take a lot for me to get sick of you but if I ever did, I’m sure we could work something out. Please don’t worry about me. I know how and when to put my foot down, believe it or not.” 

Frankly, Baekhee doesn’t quite believe it. Junmyeon has yet to show any temper or negative emotion towards her, and she isn’t so convinced that he’s even capable of such. But he’s not wrong- she shouldn’t worry about such. Junmyeon is an adult, in charge of communicating his own emotions. 

But still, it’s hard. It’s difficult to say yes, to accept such kindness when she has nothing to give back. She voices that out loud, and Junmyeon slips his hand into hers, squeezes their intertwined fingers lightly. This time, he doesn’t let go. 

“You’ve already given me the gift of your friendship,” he says solemnly. “And the gift of getting to know your friends, as well. You’re trying to help me to find myself again. Don’t you think that’s already more than enough? I’m the one here who has nothing to offer _you_.”

It’s startling, to hear the words from him directly- even if she guessed it, it’s still odd to discover that someone thinks about these things the same way she does. Yet still… she still hesitates. 

They’ve walked past several bus stops now, and Baekhee realizes that they’ve been walking towards the direction of Junmyeon’s apartment. Whether that has been on purpose or not, she isn’t so sure, but she knows that she has no place to go. No one expecting her home, no one preparing dinner for her or worrying about her whereabouts. Letting go of Junmyeon’s hand and saying goodbye, she wouldn’t know where to turn from the next street corner. And she’s tired of it- tired of having to run when there’s no one even chasing her. 

“But I have one condition.” Junmyeon’s voice startles her out her thoughts, and Baekhee turns to look at him even though she knows that he’s invisible still. That, she did not expect- but that has become the norm here, as unsettling as it is. 

“Let’s hear it.” She shouldn’t be thinking about the idea as seriously as she is, she knows, but she hopes that Junmyeon will say something that will give her an excuse not to accept his offer. Although what would that be- cleaning the bathroom every day? Hand washing his underwear? She barely holds back her snicker just thinking about it. 

“I don’t want you to go out drinking with people you don’t know anymore.” Junmyeon says it so, so sincerely, continuously sounding more and more like he’s actually thought this through beforehand. “That… I want you to stop doing that. If you come and stay with me. I just, I would just worry myself sick. I already worry about it, to be honest, although I know I shouldn’t. But I still can’t help it.” 

Out of all the things Junmyeon could have said, this is the strangest one. Baekhee is at a loss for words, trying to process this information. “So you think… you find it an issue that I drink with people I don’t know? But why?” She’s never thought much of it, although yes- perhaps someone might find it a little odd, at least. 

“It’s dangerous. Remember the night when I told you my secret- you were so drunk, stumbling out of that bar, with guys you didn’t know. How could you know if they would treat you well or not? How could you know if they’d hurt you, take advantage of you? I can’t… I couldn’t stay up at night, wondering if you’ll come home, if you’ll be alright. It’s not even the drinking, just the fact that you do it with random people you run into… It worries me.” Junmyeon sounds almost emotional, and Baekhee really, really wishes she could see his face right now. It’s hard to interpret his words from just his voice alone, and it feels like he has an unfair advantage, being able to see her facial expressions while she cannot see his. 

“I’ve never…” Never even thought about it, would be her honest answer. It was just something she did, thoughtlessly. Carelessly, perhaps. “Then, is it alright if I drink with sunbaes and classmates? Even if I don’t know them that well?” 

“I guess.” Junmyeon grabs her arm to stop her from crossing the street just as the light turns red and the cars charge forward. “I mean, at least you sort of know them? And if they hurt you, at least you would have a way to report them… It’s not great but I can’t be unreasonable. I can’t act like a jealous boyfriend when I’m not one.” His laughter is awkward, a little bit embarrassed, which makes it all the more endearing. 

Really, he isn’t asking for much. Baekhee knows that she could go without it- it’s never been her favourite way of spending the night, and with Junmyeon’s apartment being also hers, she wouldn’t have to resort to it. She could just go home, instead. And as much as she despises anyone trying to limit her, hold her back, she knows that Junmyeon is offering her a solution to all of her current problems, no matter how temporary. 

It’s difficult to accept, to say yes and admit that she needs him, needs this from him, but at the same time- she’s exhausted. She’ll just have to consider this as a pit stop, a place to rest before she carries on as usual. It’ll mean nothing. 

“Well…” The light changes to green, but Junmyeon holds her back for another second to make sure that no cars are coming before letting her cross. The wind grabs her skirt and she has to hold it down with her free arm, smile dancing about her lips. “In that case, I think I can accept. If you’re really, really serious about this. And you can always kick me out, if you must. I won’t be offended.” 

Junmyeon presses up against her side, their arms touching, although he doesn’t wrap his arm around her like she expects him to. If he’s overjoyed, relieved, or anything else, he’s hiding it well. “I’ll have the place ready for you by tomorrow,” he promises, squeezing her hand once again. “And you can come over now, too, if you want- it’s just a little messy, but I’ll fix it. Where are you headed, actually? You never told me.” 

Baekhee is quick to lie. No matter how honest she’s been with him, she knows that he would not let go of her if she were to tell him the truth right now. If Junmyeon needs a day to prepare, then she’ll give him that. He’s already doing so, so much. “I have work to do,” she says easily. “So I think I’m gonna go to a café for a while. Probably gonna crash at Chanmi’s for the night, her mom’s cooking is delicious.” 

For a brief moment, Junmyeon becomes visible enough that Baekhee can see him smile before he disappears again. “Alright,” he says, and finally steps away from her, letting her go. “Well, I’ll be off- text me tomorrow, alright? You don’t have to come home with me or anything, I’ll just have to give you the extra key so you can come and go as you want. Will that be alright?” 

“That’s more than fine.” Baekhee wishes she could properly express her gratefulness right now- but she can’t hug him, not where people could see her embrace thin air, and the right words don’t come, not in this moment. She’ll have to think of something else, instead. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. And come eat lunch with the four of us, too. Please. They’re gonna be sad if you don’t, Chanmi made you promise.” 

“I know. I’ll see you then.” 

Baekhee can’t see him walk away, but somehow, she knows when he’s gone. But she still makes a whole show of pretending to check her phone, pretending to type on her phone as though chatting with someone, before spinning around on her heels and heading to Kamong.

*****

Instead of texting Chanmi that night, Baekhee ends up calling up Jongdae. A very confused, grouchy Jongdae, who answers his phone with just a grunt when Baekhee calls him. It’s past midnight, and Baekhee is cold and exhausted, and in need of a place to crash for the rest of the night because spending yet another night at a 24-hour McDonalds would be the end of her. She could swear that the smell of grease is already permanent on her bag and hair. 

Explaining to Jongdae what she needs from him takes a while, because he doesn’t seem to be comprehending the situation so well. “You want to do what?” he keeps asking, sounding all the more puzzled each time. “You want to come here?”

“Yes, Jongdae,” Baekhee sighs. She’s leaning up against the front of Kamong after having gotten kicked out when they closed for the day. She knows she’s loitering, but she has to find a place to go before she can leave. It’s raining as well, and she’s feeling the chill dressed in nothing but a short skirt, a t-shirt, and her signature denim jacket. 

“I don’t… My parents are not gonna understand.” It’s hard to decipher the emotion in Jongdae’s voice- is he apologetic, or relieved, or angry? Maybe all of that? And she knows she fucked up, but what else was she going to do? She’s already exhausted all the favors she can ask with Chanmi, and for Chanmi’s sake, spending the night at Kyungsoo’s isn’t an option. 

“They’re at home? You can’t sneak me in without them knowing? I can leave so early in the morning that they’ll never find out I was there.” 

“Why, Baekhee? Why do you need a place to crash?” And this is one more reason why she shouldn’t have called him. She should have known he would ask questions- stupid questions. 

“Look, are you gonna let me in or not?” If he’s going to reject her, at least he could do it quicker than this. “If not, I’ll call up someone else. Please, just, please consider this, for me. I’ll owe you one.” 

Jongdae sighs heavily at the other end of the line. “Well, I guess you can come,” he murmurs after a dead silence. “Dad’s not home tonight and mom was out late with her hiking friends. I think she was drunk when she got here, so she’s not gonna wake up even if the world ends around her. You know where I live, right?”

Baekhee barely holds back her relief, to try and act more aloof about it. “Yes, I do,” she says quickly. “I’ll hop into a taxi now, I’ll be there in fifteen. Text me the door code, I’ll let myself in.” 

Jongdae waits for her at the door as she opens it, the electric lock singing a soft tune as it unlocks and then locks again behind her. Jongdae looks disheveled, more so than Baekhee has never seen him; he’s wearing nothing but a loose t-shirt that has got several holes in it, and loose boxer shorts, standing there barefoot, hair in disarray. He gestures for her to be quiet and to bring her shoes with her, as he walks him further into the apartment, past the living room and into his bedroom, pressing the door closed silently behind them both. 

“You’re all wet,” he huffs, eyeing Baekhee up and down. “You didn’t bring an umbrella, silly?” 

“It was so nice out earlier, I didn’t think it would start raining so suddenly,” Baekhee defends herself, setting down her bag and jacket in a neat little pile. Jongdae’s room looks like he’s lived in it his whole life; a mess of books, games, little trinkets, memories of him being much younger than he’s now as well as when he was just a high school kid. It looks cozy and lived in, comfortable, even if a little cramped with the amount of stuff there is. Only the reading light is on at his desk, illuminating the messy room in a soft, yellow glow. 

“Let me get you a change of clothes, then,” Jongdae murmurs, turning around to reach into his closet. And somehow, that reminds Baekhee so vividly of Junmyeon, yet decidedly in a sort of opposite way. Because the way Jongdae looks at her, eyes dark and lips slightly parted, she thinks she has an idea- a hunch for what Jongdae might want, or expect, something which Junmyeon never, ever wanted, or if he did, hid it better. 

It’s nothing she’ll hold against him. She’s done this plenty of times before- she knows what this must look like, considering. It’s exactly why she couldn’t call Kyungsoo, not because she thought he would feel that way, but because of how it’d seem from the outside. She couldn’t hurt Chanmi like that. 

Jongdae, she’s got no hard feelings. It doesn’t bother her. 

And so, when Jongdae gives her a shirt to wear to bed, Baekhee makes a show out of getting undressed. She pulls her shirt sensually over her head, only partly turned away from him, and shimmies out of her skirt and tights, standing there in just her underwear before finally putting on the shirt given to her. He’s looking, too, the entire time, even if his cheeks have gone a little pink, his breathing a little heavier. Baekhee briefly wonders if he’s ever done this, if he’s ever been with a girl- if this could be his first time. 

She hates such responsibility, doesn’t want this to be so significant to him, but it’s too late to worry about that now. 

It’s in moments like these that she misses her long hair because it worked so much better in scenarios such as this, but she still ruffles her short locks before stretching out her arms above her head. “Time for bed,” she drawls, purposefully using a softer tone of voice. It’s a game she’s played before- and it’s fun, she can’t deny that. To know she’s wanted, that someone is paying full attention to her with no thoughts of anything else, it’s empowering. It sits nice on her skin, makes her forget about everything else. And while it’s cheap, it’s always effective; boys and girls, Baekhee isn’t picky, and that is her key to her success. 

Jongdae backs up towards the bed, and sits down on the edge of it. Baekhee follows him, brushing up against him as she crawls into bed behind him, laying down on her side, legs stretched out. And the hunger in Jongdae’s eyes is all the more palpable now, when he turns to look at her, his blush moving down to his neck. Yet he doesn’t touch her, just gets comfortable beside her, his fingers twitching slightly on the blankets itching to touch yet hesitant to make such a bold move.

Baekhee would tease him about it, make him work for it a little harder than just giving it to him, but she doesn’t want to make this more complicated. The simpler this remains, the better. And so she takes his wrist and brings his hand to her hip, wordlessly giving him the permission to do as he wishes. Touch, take, feel, have it all any way he wishes. 

Jongdae doesn't jump into it like she expected him to, even if there isn’t much sentiment in how he touches her, strokes up and down her bare legs and slips his hand underneath her shirt, feels the curve of her waist and then her spine, pressing closer to her the more emboldened he becomes. Baekhee lets him, while gently tracing her small hand down his chest and stomach, his arms. Jongdae is definitely attractive, even if not quite her type, and she’s always known she could want him- would sleep with him, if she had the chance. 

He gently rolls her over, and gets on top of her, sliding in between her legs. He doesn’t kiss her, not on the lips, instead trailing his mouth over her temple, her cheek, down her neck and clavicles, pulling on the neckline of the shirt to reveal more skin. 

It’s not the wildest experience Baekhee has ever had, but it’s comforting. It feels comfortable, to have him like this, to share these touches with him. Let him explore her body, with his fingers and his mouth, taking his time until he grows too impatient. Moving against her, with her, shuddering in her arms when she pleases him with her mouth, touches him, plays with him. Explores parts of him he’s probably never even thought of touching before- and she doubts he’d ever admit to liking it, but right here, he can be honest, can ask Baekhee for more, just a bit more, a bit longer. Trusts Baekhee that this will be a secret, between them, not to be shared with anyone else. 

It’s just comfortable. Simple, steady, as though they’ve done this before, in sync with each other. The foreplay lasts a lot longer than it usually does, whenever she finds herself in bed with someone new, and she likes that- has time to fully grow aroused, fully begin to want him, lose herself in the moment and how it feels to need him closer right now, arching against him and spreading her legs wider to have him closer. Even if it’s just this once, and never again. It doesn’t feel like home, but it doesn’t need to. It’s alright, all well, right in this moment. 

And when he finally enters her, it doesn’t blow her mind but instead grounds her. Allows her to see him at his truly most vulnerable, see him so honestly, feel him move against her with such need to take but also such need to please. To satisfy himself, and satisfy her, all in equal measure. 

It’s nice. It’s cozy. Most guys have never bothered with her pleasure so much- and she’s never quite minded that, but this, this amount of attention, it’s nice. Jongdae, in her arms, is nice; solid enough to feel strong and secure, yet more than just a pretty face and a pretty body. A friend, someone close to her, someone she knows she can trust. Someone she cares about, even if not truly like this.

It feels good, and allows her pleasure to crest, to build, to grow in waves as Jongdae keeps pushing into her, fucking into her, filling her up only to leave her empty, again and again. The urge to moan but having to fight it so his mother wouldn’t hear, the intimacy of doing this in Jongdae’s childhood bedroom, in a bed he’s probably slept since he was a preteen. Cozy, cozy, cozy. 

The build-up is slow, but the peak isn’t at all so overwhelming. It’s just warm, and soothing, and spreads over her skin like sliding into a warm bath. Her toes curl and her thighs tense, squeezing Jongdae’s narrow hips, her back bowed slightly as she breathes in, breathes out, even the oxygen on her tongue sweet. And she wonders if this is how it would be like to have sex with someone you’ve been with for a long time; so easy, so simple, the whole experience so pleasant yet nothing mind-blowing. Good enough, good in all the right ways, yet lacking the big explosion at the end. 

Maybe she could get used to this, even if not with Jongdae. With him, this will be the first and the last. It’s a rule she has, to avoid trouble. 

And Jongdae is so sweet, lying down next to her, holding her close and promptly falling asleep, not even concerned with hiding the traces of what they’ve done. Baekhee smiles and covers his face in kisses, gently coaxing him into deeper sleep before grabbing for her phone to set an alarm at 4.30AM. She’ll only get a couple of hours of sleep, but she’ll have to be gone before his mother wakes up, and she needs to play it safe. 

She leaves in silence the next morning, getting dressed and sneaking out on her tippy toes. It’ll be like she never even was here- and if Jongdae wants to believe it to have been just a dream, she’ll let him. To have felt wanted, it’s enough for her.

At least living with Junmyeon, she won’t have to do this. Stepping into the cold morning air, the thought is much more comforting than she would have thought- and tonight, she gets to his apartment and call it her home, even if just briefly. 

She wants it more badly than she’s ready to admit.


	5. Chapter 5

Introducing Junmyeon to her group of friends was already a challenge, but keeping him as a part of it is even more so. Junmyeon is very prone to withdrawing, pulling away and staying hidden, and coaxing him to do as much as come to lunch with them is difficult. He makes up excuses as to why he can’t join them or remains silent and invisible, hovering next to Baekhee wordlessly without participating in the conversation unless someone asks him a direct question. 

It’s not easy to befriend someone like that, and Baekhee is growing increasingly frustrated with him- again. 

“You wanted me to help you, but you’re not doing a very good job of doing your part in getting better,” she tells him one day as they head back home together. Baekhee is carrying a bag of groceries, excited about the ice cream she bought. The warming weather has made her crave summery treats, even if it’s still officially spring. But she won’t be distracted from what she needs to say. “I can’t do much more than this, oppa. If you don’t talk and if you don’t participate in anything, then what am I supposed to do about it?” 

Junmyeon sighs, and he sounds sad. Baekhee has gotten better at reading his nonvisual clues- unless they’re at home, it’s all she has. “I’m scared,” Junmyeon says, for the thousandth time. “I just get so nervous, it’s difficult, all your friends are so cool and I have nothing to say. Nothing interesting, anyway. I don’t want to make things awkward for them. I don’t want to force them to hang out with me, either. Like, they probably don’t always want to spend time with the weirdo Baekhee dragged to the table…” 

“You just keep going in circles with this bullshit,” Baekhee says firmly. She’s been patient and soft until now, doing her best to coax him gently so she wouldn’t scare him off. But it’s been weeks of this, and she’s had enough. Something has to give. “They want you there, we’ve been over this. They want to get to know you, but it’s you that makes _them_ feel like _you_ don’t want to be there!” 

She hears how his footsteps pause for a moment, but she keeps walking, adamant to get home before her ice cream completely melts. Junmyeon catches up with her running, falling back into step beside her, but he doesn’t utter a word until they make it home and the door closes between them, and the rest of the world. 

Baekhee hasn’t stayed in this apartment for very long, but it already feels like home. She has her own little corner, separated from the rest of the apartment with screens, although all she has are the air mattress she sleeps on, her clothes, makeup and personal items as such, and books and notebooks for university. But it’s home in a way that her parents’ house never was; for here, she is allowed to be herself, to not worry about tiptoeing around someone looking for even the smallest excuse to get mad at her. There’s no tyranny here, only peaceful coexistence and company. 

And it allows Junmyeon to finally become visible as well, materializing into the apartment. Baekhee feels as though he’s made some progress- usually she can see the faintest of outlines of him, even when they’re outside, sometimes even some details to him, but it’s hard to detect at times. But here, he appears as he should, complete and solid and real. 

On his face, she can now read the sadness and uncertainty that she already heard in his voice. “Do they… do they really think that way?” he asks, timid, watching as Baekhee kicks off her shoes and walks over to the fridge to put away the food. “Do they really… do they really think I don’t like them? But that’s not true, you know that! You know I adore them, I really do, they’re all so lovely…” 

Typically, Baekhee would offer him reassurance. Placate him, until he’s calm again. But that’s gotten them nowhere, and so she knows she has to try something different. 

“What else are they supposed to think?” She grabs her ice cream and walks over to the couch, plopping down as casually as ever. As if they’re not having this conversation. “You try to cancel more than half the time, and when you do show up, you never speak. You just sit there, silent. They know you’re shy and all that, but this has been going on for so long, oppa. They must be wondering if it’s their fault.” 

Junmyeon looks terrified. “I didn’t… I didn’t ever think about that,” he murmurs. “I didn’t think that they might feel like that, but of course they would, it makes sense, god I’m such an idiot.” 

“Yes, you are,” Baekhee agrees, although she does flash him a comforting smile. She pats the empty space beside her, asking him to sit down with her. “Listen. It’s not your fault- we all get caught up in our own heads, focused on only our own feelings. It’s easy to be blindsided like that. They’re not upset or anything, no damage has been done. But don’t you think you need to start pushing yourself a little more?” 

Junmyeon ignores her silent request, and instead sets about cooking dinner. He’s proven himself quite the housewife, Baekhee muses to herself, watching him putter around the small cooking corner. He’s cooked almost all meals they’ve had together, and he always has breakfast ready for Baekhee for when she wakes up. It makes Baekhee feel bad, that he’s going through all this effort for her when she’s basically just leaching off of him, but he says it makes him happy. To feel useful, like he’s doing something good. Doing something for someone he cares about. 

Hearing that, now Baekhee feels happy too- for the first time in her life, she has someone willing to take care of her, put her first, instead of trampling all over her needs and hopes. 

“It’s just hard,” Junmyeon whines over the sound of pans and pots clanking against each other. “You’re all so funny and witty, I don’t want to dampen the mood.” 

“And you don’t think you just sitting there silent, like you’re sulking, is affecting the mood at all?” Baekhee counters. She won’t let him run away from this topic no matter how much he would like to. “Junmyeon oppa. Sometimes I ask myself if you even want to get better, for real. You say that you do, but your actions just continue to speak against that. If you really want it, you’re gonna have to get out of your comfort zone.” 

If it were anyone else, Baekhee would worry about angering them- but not Junmyeon. Even though she hasn’t known him for long, she feels like she knows him. Understands him. Junmyeon would never snap at her, would never punish her for speaking out of turn, and she’s going to make full use of that, to shake him back into reality. Get him out of his head and in touch with the real world, with real people. 

She can hear how heavily he sighs even despite the running water that he’s using to rinse off the rice. “Change is scary,” he replies. “Even healing is scary… I don’t remember how it was like to not be like this, Baekhee. I know I want it, but then… I’ve gotten stuck.” 

At least he admits as much. “Well, we just cannot let go of the momentum we’ve already got,” she says, forcing herself to sound more chipper and encouraging. The reality check is over. Her phone vibrates in her bag and she finishes her ice cream quickly so she can lick her fingers clean and reach for it. “Tomorrow, I’m going to force you to talk, and you’re gonna do your best to do your part, got it?” 

That makes Junmyeon laugh. “As you say, my lady.” He smiles at Baekhee over his shoulder before going back to his cooking, and Baekhee swipes the screen of her phone to open it. 

[ Jongdae ] whatchu doing

She can’t help but sigh quietly, tugging on a red strand of hair in agitation. It’s innocent enough but she knows that Jongdae’s intentions aren’t- she’s come to regret her decision to sleep with him in the time that has passed since then. As much as she’d hoped that he would be cool with it, wouldn’t think anything more of it, she couldn’t have been more wrong. 

It’s subtle, that she can say in his favor. He’s just been touchier with her, sometimes lapsing into moments of silence where he just stares at her. He’d usually never text her outside of the group chat unless it was something important, but now, Baekhee is sure to get a message from him at least once a day. Again, it’s usually nothing incriminating- but it’s become burdensome. 

It’s not the first time this has happened with a person she’s slept with, but her usual way of dealing with it can’t be applied here. Usually she would just make it obvious that she’s done, that she doesn’t care, that she doesn’t want to hear any more of it- but she can’t do that to Jongdae. Can’t cut him off, even if she wants to. Wants to run from his feelings, wants to run away from what it all means. 

Instead of responding, she just chucks her phone away from her. Junmyeon glances at her, surprised, his hands slowing down to a complete halt where he was chopping up kimchi for the stir-fry. “Was that your brother?” he asks carefully. It’s not a bad guess, because Baekbom too drives Baekhee crazy with how he keeps bugging her about moving back home. 

Baekhee shakes her head. She doesn’t want to tell him the truth- doesn’t quite know how he’d react, honestly. “Just some dude who’s got a puppy crush on me,” she says with a shrug, reaching for the remote to turn the TV on. “You kiss a guy once when you’re drunk just for the heck of it, and he instantly thinks that you’ve got the hots for him? Pathetic.”   
Junmyeon’s expression is a bit guarded despite his smile. “You’re such a heartbreaker,” he says, only half way kidding about it. “Give the poor boy a break. It’s not his fault you’re irresistible. I’m pretty sure I’d act the same way, if I was him.”

“But you’ve already got me,” Baekhee teases him, batting her eyelashes at him. The way it makes Junmyeon blush, even after all this time, it just never gets old. “Living the domestic dream with me. Do you know how many guys would kill for that?” 

Junmyeon’s smile softens, his eyes twinkling. “Oh, I know I’m lucky. I just don’t know if the dude bothering you would quite settle for this arrangement- cooking dinner for you while you watch TV on the couch.” 

Baekhee can’t help but laugh, head thrown back. “See, you’re not boring,” she cackles, giving him a thumbs up. “You’ve got serious comedic talent, oppa, don’t ever try to tell me otherwise.” 

But oddly enough, she thinks, this really is much more charming than anything anyone else has ever done for her. The way that they can just exist together, like this, and have it be so simple and honest, filled with silent understanding for one another, trust for one another… She didn’t think that this could ever exist, much less with someone like Junmyeon. 

It’s been a huge blessing, to befriend him, she realizes, watching him move around the kitchen. It’s been a gift, in many ways- ways she didn’t know she was capable of wanting, before Junmyeon gave it to her. And she wonders if she would be so opposed to a romantic relationship, if it could be like this… 

She doesn’t remember feeling so at home, ever, not since her mother fell ill. The house is modest and the location is questionable, and sharing a living space with a man should be quite awkward, but Baekhee has had zero complaints so far. She still stays out late, usually, doing things with friends and being the social butterfly she is, but spending time at home with Junmyeon has always been simply comfortable and comforting. Eating meals together, walking to campus together, doing homework together, it’s all been so much fun, and although she doesn’t have complete privacy here, she doesn’t mind it for at least Junmyeon leaves her alone when she doesn’t wish to talk.

It’s more than she could ever say for her mother, and that’s all that matters.

*****

It’s two days later that they all decide to go to the restaurant that Kyungsoo works at for dinner. It’s his day off, but they know they can get plenty of free food there, so it’s always worth the visit when they have a hankering for chicken. And Baekhee makes sure to drag Junmyeon along, even despite knowing that he hates places such as restaurants. They’ve barely gotten him used to the cafeteria on campus and he’s never agreed to come along to eat out, but now, she’s not listening to his excuses. 

Chanmi and Kyungsoo walk ahead, while Jongdae falls into step next to Baekhee while Junmyeon walks on her other side. Baekhee barely resists the urge to roll her eyes, because this has become so typical- Jongdae won’t leave her alone, using every opportunity to be close to her, and it’s frustrating because Baekhee can’t do anything to drive it home to him that she doesn’t want that. She would attach herself to Chanmi, hold onto her and act all cute with her, but she knows she should let her have her moment with Kyungsoo- she knows they’ve finally started to talk more in private, and she senses that they’re close to confessing to each other at last, and she can’t mess with that. And she can’t leave Junmyeon’s side, because then he would just vanish, and slip away. 

So, she has no choice but to stay where she is. 

“So, how are you two getting along, living together?” Jongdae asks, feigning only casual interest. Baekhee revealed the change in her living situation a while ago, since lying about it became too messy, although she never explained the reason why, besides the vague statement of there being some trouble at home. She knows it rubs Jongdae the wrong way, obviously disapproving of the arrangement- if it’s for his own, selfish reasons or just a general distaste for co-ed cohabitation, she has a bad feeling that it’s the former. “How is it living with a girl, hyung?”

Baekhee elbows Junmyeon to remind him that he’s supposed to work harder at socializing. He’s not entirely invisible, walking next to her, his outline and general color of his clothes somewhat visible, which is, at least, a good sign. The awkward pause that it takes for Junmyeon to respond hardly even registers; they’ve all gotten used to the fact that he always needs a moment to find the words to say. 

“It’s nice,” Junmyeon settles for, and he sounds genuine. “It’s less lonely that way. It’s funny how when I lived alone, the place never felt like it was more than just a building, like I was just there stopping by, taking refuge, and now living with someone else, it suddenly feels like a home. Like it means something now. It’s odd, but it’s nice.”   
Baekhee can read on Jongdae’s face how surprised he is, and she is too. That’s more than Junmyeon has ever said all at once, and Jongdae clearly wasn’t expecting such a heartfelt answer. 

“That’s- that’s nice, I guess,” Jongdae mutters, looking away. Ahead of them, Chanmi laughs, loud and bright, while Kyungsoo bumps his shoulder to her arm since that’s the highest he can reach. Just two steps behind them, the mood couldn’t be more different. Junmyeon glances at Baekhee as though to ask if he did something wrong, to which Baekhee just shakes her head. She’s not going to offer explanations to Jongdae making an idiot out of himself. 

“It’s really lovely,” she chimes in instead. “Junmyeon oppa is a great cook. I hardly have to do any chores at all, this almost feels like a vacation, to be honest. I almost regret I didn’t do it sooner.” 

Jongdae turns to look at her again, eyes searching her face. Baekhee does her best to keep her face neutral, not sure of what he’s trying to see- but she doesn’t want him to see anything, whatever it may be. 

“But you’re gonna move back home when you get everything there sorted, right?” he asks then. “So hyung, you don’t have to slave away for her for much longer, I hope.” He’s trying to tease Junmyeon, trying to be funny, but Baekhee is all too aware that the undertone to all this is far from innocent. 

Junmyeon laughs, a little reserved and a little awkward. “But I don’t mind doing these things for her, if I’m honest,” he replies. “I don’t mind her living with me, not at all. Of course, it’ll be nicer for her to live at home but I’ll gladly have her for as long as she wants to stay.” 

Again, such an honest, meaningful answer. Baekhee can’t resist the urge to reach for his hand, squeeze it gently. “You’re too sweet, oppa,” she says, before letting go of his hand. She knows that the motion probably doesn’t go unnoticed by Jongdae. “But we will see. The situation is a bit… It’s a bit complicated, so I don’t know when it’ll be resolved.” 

She knows it’s not fair to be holding back her family secrets from Jongdae and Kyungsoo when everyone else knows- but she hasn’t found a way to tell them. And she knows she’ll have to think of something eventually, because she doesn’t think she’ll ever return home if she can only avoid it. 

Jongdae’s lips are pursed, but he won’t look at her, won’t look at Junmyeon, and Baekhee wonders what he’s thinking right now. But she doesn’t have the time to figure it out, before they enter the restaurant, and she can feel Junmyeon cling onto her shoulders from behind, to make himself as small as possible, to avoid being bumped into. Kyungsoo takes them to the table they always sit at, close to the kitchen, and Baekhee guides Junmyeon to sit in the booth next to the wall because it’ll be less strange that way, without an obvious empty spot left between two people. 

But that means Jongdae presses up against her on her other side, and Baekhee has half a mind to smack him then. He’s acting more obnoxious than he ever has, and she doesn’t understand why- why does it only keep getting worse, instead of better, the more time goes on? 

Chanmi gives her a long look from the other side of the table, and Baekhee knows that she’s sensed it too. But she just shakes her head, minutely, to ask her not to worry about it. Bless Kyungsoo who’s oblivious to the exchange and is quick to drag Chanmi’s attention away with a gentle hand on her shoulder, asking her opinion on what they should order. 

“Oppa, you should really try to become visible,” Baekhee murmurs to Junmyeon. “Just for the sake of practice. Not that anyone’s going to pay any mind to floating pieces of chicken, but even so.” 

Everyone snickers at that, clearly having listened in, and Junmyeon does too, the sound so delicate in its rarity. “I’m trying, I’m going to try, I just need a moment. It’s been so long since I’ve even been to a restaurant… Everything feels so new, it’s a lot. Is this really where you work, Kyungsoo?” 

“Yes, hyung,” Kyungsoo replies with a smile. “It’s nothing fancy, don’t sound so impressed. You could get hired here as well, if you wanted, it really takes no real skill.” 

“Clearly it doesn’t, if a people hater like Kyungsoo can work in customer service,” Baekhee pipes up, and everyone laughs again. She prefers that, loves that, enjoys knowing everyone is happy. At least for the moment. Everyone laughs with her, at her, and she knows she’s being heard, being noticed, being liked. 

It’s what she needs to feel alive. 

And it’s even more rewarding to see Junmyeon relax- visibly see him become more present, emerging from that other plane of existence and joining theirs. Just how he does at home, how he exists so freely in the safety of those four walls. He’s not quite there, not fully, but it’s more than she’s ever seen of him in public; his facial expressions, his hands, the details of his clothes, even if almost like through a thick veil. 

But he’s there, at least, and it’s the biggest victory he’s made since first joining them for that picnic. 

Baekhee can tell that the others want to point it out, want to celebrate it just as much as she does, but she knows they shouldn’t. They can’t- it’ll only make Junmyeon nervous again, make him vanish once more. She sends them all pointed looks and loudly begins to talk about the food, chatting up Kyungsoo’s coworkers to order, all in all just making commotion so no one else can blurt out anything. 

She’s happy it works, and she gets to see Junmyeon’s smile, gets to see his eyes crinkle up all pretty the more fun he has. He still doesn’t speak up much, but he laughs along to the jokes and pipes up whenever he can, mostly just showing his appreciation for everyone else’s funny jokes and stories, but it’s still something. It’s still him belonging, belonging with them.

Baekhee is so pleased, so happy, that it nearly catches her off-guard. She’s always been good at pushing things out of her mind, refusing to pay attention to her troubles, but she has never been able to make them completely disappear. To find herself so genuinely happy, in this moment, with nothing weighing her down behind the broad smiles and loud laughter… She almost doesn’t recognize herself. 

It’s scary, but she knows she’ll fight to keep this feeling. To never go back- to never let anyone drag her back. 

But things tend to not go her way, at least when it comes to her family matters. 

It’s towards the end of their meal that her phone rings in her bag, and upon seeing the name on the screen, she just hits the decline button instantaneously. But her brother calls her again, and then again, and the fourth time he calls Baekhee knows that she has to answer. And she knows that whatever he has to say, she doesn’t want to hear, yet she gets up, excuses herself to go to the bathroom, and walks outside the restaurant to huddle behind the corner as she presses the phone to her ear. 

“Why didn’t you pick up?” Baekbom sounds pissed off, tired, stressed out. “Why’d you keep refusing the call?” 

“I was at the library, I couldn’t talk,” Baekhee murmurs, wrapping her arm around herself protectively. “I had to walk outside. Sorry.” 

“Whatever.” Baekbom sighs heavily, and Baekhee braces herself. “Look- I had to take mom to the hospital today. The doctors… well, apparently her heavy meds have completely ruined her stomach, now. She can barely keep anything down, it’s been really terrible, and the doctors say they’re not sure what to do. Taking her off the meds is just… But she’s so sick from them now that something needs to be done.” 

Baekhee has to lean against the wall behind her to stay upright, suddenly feeling faint. As much as she’s blocked everything out, as much as she doesn’t want to care- it still punches the wind out of her, to hear such devastating news. And it feels so unfair, so utterly unfair, to know that things still won’t get better- that the light at the end of this long tunnel has vanished once again. 

She can only blame herself, for letting herself believe. Grasp onto that flimsy hope that things could get better. Every time anything good ever happens, there’s another setback.   
She taught herself to be strong, willed herself not harden her heart, yet here she is, shaking and breathless at the news of her mother’s condition worsening. It’s so unfair that she doesn’t get to escape it, doesn’t get to run away from it, even as far as she’s come.

No distance will ever be enough. 

“So what are you calling me for,” she asks quietly. She wishes she had taken her cigarettes with her, her hands restless and in need of something to do. “What do you expect me to do? There’s no way to help her.” 

Baekbom is silent for a moment. “Well, I just thought you should know,” he replies, and he sounds angry now. “This is your mother, Baekhee, and no matter how much you say you hate her, you still ought to know how she’s doing. She’s your own mother, she’s raised you, she’s loved you- you don’t get to treat her like some stranger, like her wellbeing is none of your business. You don’t get to fucking do that.” 

Baekhee feels so utterly humiliated as the tears win over, and she can’t speak without letting him know that she’s crying. “There’s nothing I can do,” she repeats, “So what use is it to know? What do you expect me to do, to move back home? To become her little caregiver and nurse her back to health? Are you trying to say that this is all my fault, for not being at home and for causing her all this stress? Is that it?” 

“You’re projecting, I didn’t say that,” Baekbom yells back, but it doesn’t matter. Baekhee doesn’t believe him- he might not have said it, but it’s what he must have been thinking. If not him, then her mother. She knows her, she understands her games. 

Worst part is that there’s a part of her that also thinks it. Believes it’s her fault, for being such a terrible, unloving daughter. 

But she would never, ever have anyone know that. 

“There’s nothing I can do,” she says once again, wiping at her nose with the back of her hand. “I can’t help her. The doctors are gonna have to fix her, somehow. And I’m not gonna go visit her, especially not at the hospital. I hate those godawful places.” She isn’t going to face her mother like this, not when she could use this against her. She’s still angry for the way she treated her, and she doesn’t want to be forced to forgive and forget just because she’s suddenly more ill. 

It’s unfair. 

“Fine, then don’t visit her.” Baekbom still sounds so, so pissed off, but Baekhee wills herself to just let it pass right through her. It doesn’t matter. “She misses you, you know. She wants you to come. But fine, if you want to be selfish, then don’t visit her. Just keep doing things that make you happy and break your mother’s heart.” 

“I fucking will,” Baekhee grits out. “Because you know what? You can’t guilt me into doing things for her anymore. You try to manipulate me the exact same way she does, and I’m not gonna fall for that anymore, so you’d better get used to not having your way with me. You’re the eldest, she’s your fucking responsibility, not mine.” And she ends the call there, has half a mind to just chuck her phone away in her anger, but instead she just deflates, sinks down until she’s crouching down, head on her knees, hiding and protecting herself from the onslaught of emotions.

It’s unbearable, the way it takes over her, her thoughts and feelings a jumbled mess. It’s hard to think, it’s hard to breathe; the worry, the guilt, the fear, the anger, all of it mixed together so that she can’t tell which one is which. And she loathes that she has to feel this way, that she can’t just ignore this like she wants to; that even from this far, her mother can still hurt her, even if she knows she hasn’t gotten sicker on purpose. Yet it somehow feels like she’s done this to punish her, that this somehow her doing, to remind Baekhee that she’ll never be free. 

She doesn’t know how long it takes before she can calm down, her entire body in panic mode, her emotions roaring up against any resemblance of control as she tries to pull it all together. But she forces herself to stop, locks the feelings away as carefully as she can, because this is not the time and place for this. And she hates that she has to go back inside, has to face her friends and somehow explain this- why she’s been crying, why she looks so terrible. 

She doesn’t want to, doesn’t want her misery to be public knowledge, yet she has no choice. 

It’s never been fair, it never has been. 

She checks her face with her phone to fix the worst of the mess, before slinking inside. It feels like everyone must be staring at her, but she has to walk past all of them, to get to their table. And of course, her friends all look up, and she lowers her eyes barely in time to avoid seeing the open shock on their faces as they fully understand the state she’s in. 

“Are you alright?” Chanmi is the first one to speak, to act, scrambling to pull Baekhee next to her in the booth and to pull her into her embrace. Baekhee wants to fight it, wants to push her away, to stop making a scene, yet she also wants nothing more than to hide. She allows herself a moment, just leaning into Chanmi and soaking up her warmth, the comfort, before she sits up straight, gently pushes her hands away. If she gives in too much, she’s only going to keep crying, and she can’t allow that. 

“I just got some upsetting news,” she murmurs, not meeting eyes with anyone. “But I’m okay. It’ll be alright. I was just… shocked. I’ll be okay.”

“What happened?” Kyungsoo and Junmyeon ask that almost simultaneously, and their echo would make Baekhee smile if she weren’t so devastated by this all. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she replies, stubborn, wiping under her eyes to make sure no mascara is smudged there. Chanmi hurries to help, reaching into her bag for her compact foundation to fix Baekhee’s appearance to something less distraught. It helps, it sooths her to know that the rest of the world won’t be able to see her pain any longer. 

“I just want to go home,” she insists, clearing her throat. “You guys can stay, I just- I’ll just go. I’ll be okay, it’s alright.” As she stands up she feels Chanmi’s fingers curl around her wrist, but she gently tugs herself free. She needs to go. In Chanmi’s eyes she reads understanding, but a quick glance at Kyungsoo and Jongdae tells her how confused and upset they are- whether they’re upset for her or because of her, she can’t be sure, and she doesn’t want to find out. 

She’d rather keep her secret than placate them. 

“I’ll come with you,” Junmyeon is quick to say and jump up to his feet, scrambling to get out of the booth. At least he doesn’t touch her, just hovers near, for which Baekhee is grateful for. She feels too fragile, and all she can focus on is the need to get out of there. She barely even bids them goodbye before rushing out of the restaurant, walking briskly to the direction of Junmyeon’s home, focusing on just getting closer, closer to hiding, closer to shutting the rest of the world out. 

Junmyeon doesn’t say a word the entire time, only walks right next to her. He’s less visible now but still there- surprisingly, she can still see a little bit of him, and if the circumstances weren’t what they are, she’d feel prouder. Happier. More accomplished. 

Junmyeon still doesn’t say anything when Baekhee doesn’t stay in the shared living area and walks over to her bed behind the screens, putting as much distance between them as she can. He doesn’t utter a thing, only brews her a cup of tea that he brings to her before retreating back to the couch, and he still keeps his silence even as Baekhee gives into the tears again, sobbing into her pillows because she can’t keep all that emotion bottled up inside her.

And he’s still silent when she finally emerges, late at night, all tired out and eyes puffy, only lifting his arm up for her to snuggle up to him on the couch and bury her face in his shoulder. Yet Baekhee knows- Baekhee feels that he cares, cares so much, and she finds that it’s the best thing he could have done, to allow her the space she needed when everything else would have been too raw, too much, too close. 

“No one else understands me the way you do,” she whispers to him, half asleep already, lulled to a fragile state of calm by Junmyeon’s even breaths. “No one knows how to treat me like you do…” 

“And here I was blaming myself for how little I’ve been ever able to do,” Junmyeon replies, squeezing her shoulder. “How little I’ve ever done to help you…”

“That’s the thing,” Baekhee whispers back. “Everyone else drowns me with how much they try, how much they want to do for me, that it suffocates me. I hate it, it’s why I have to shut them out. Only you realize… only you help me on my own terms, give me the space to have what I need.” 

Each time she’s needed him, Junmyeon has outdone her expectations, never let her down, and Baekhee knows she shouldn’t trust that because no one is perfect, but she finds it impossible to force herself to be pessimistic about him. She knows she shouldn’t put so much faith in him, so much trust- but she wants to, and she doesn’t want to think about the what ifs. 

She’s deserved this much, whatever this will turn out to be.

*****

With Junmyeon becoming more and more comfortable with Baekhee and her friends, and becoming more visible even in public spaces when it’s just the five of them, Baekhee wants to tackle the next big obstacle in Junmyeon’s road to recovery. “You have to start showing yourself in the classroom,” she tells him firmly. They’re all huddled at a local Starbucks as far away from other customers as possible to give Junmyeon the space he needs to feel safe. He’s still not fully visible, but he’s getting there, and he’s gotten better at participating in the conversation, interacting with everyone more naturally. It’s huge, and Baekhee doesn’t want his momentum to stop here. “That way you can start meeting new people, too.” 

“That would be so nice,” Chanmi exclaims, eyes sparkling as she turns to smile at Junmyeon. “We could talk to you comfortably there too, and sit with you, and introduce you to everyone! It would be so much fun. Please oppa, you have to.” 

Junmyeon’s smile falters a little bit, even despite the encouraging nods from both Jongdae and Kyungsoo. “I don’t know,” he murmurs, twirling the ice in his cup around. “I was thinking… maybe I should do that next semester. It would be too weird for me to show up now- what would people even think? It’d be easier to start from a clean slate in the fall…” 

Baekhee would argue against that, but she can understand the logic in his thinking. Showing up to class at this point of the semester, that would require some kind of explanations to be given. But all the same, she wants him to expand his social circles, doesn’t want him to get too comfortable where he is now and stop making progress. 

“You need to start meeting new people,” she repeats herself, chasing the last bits of caramel sauce with her straw. “I mean, I know I’m awesome, and I guess these three idiots are kind of okay, but you need to branch out. It’ll do good for you, oppa. You need to practice your people skills.”

“Yah, watch what you say,” Kyungsoo exclaims, and smacks her on the head lightly, Chanmi giggling beside him where she’s pressed up against his side. “Three idiots, what even…” 

Everyone else is laughing as well, and Baekhee grins widely. “Well, alright, Chanmi is awesome as well,” she admits, only to earn more exasperated gasps from both Jongdae and Kyungsoo.

“Don’t even lie to me, you like me well enough,” Jongdae says, and the tone of his voice makes Baekhee’s mood plummet almost instantly. She knows what he means- what he’s trying to hint at, and she’s immediately upset. Every time she thinks that he’s ready to move on, he proves her wrong. She’s grateful that at least everyone else thinks it’s part of the joke, and don’t read more into it- she’d hate to have to deal with that whole mess, as well. 

“I hate you most out of all,” Baekhee retaliates, even going as far as standing up to change seats to get further away from him, plopping down next to Junmyeon. This time Jongdae doesn’t laugh even when everyone else does, and Baekhee knows it’s time to hurry and change the topic again. 

“Anyway, the sunbaes are throwing a party next week,” she says quickly, animatedly, hoping to catch everyone’s attention. “I think we should all go! They’re renting this whole bar, can you believe it, it’s going to be so cool. Almost everyone from the department will be there, even the exchange students, so it would be a great opportunity for Junmyeon oppa to meet new people as well.” 

Kyungsoo is already wrinkling his nose at the idea. “I think I’m gonna be at work, if it’s on the weekend,” he says, hand absentmindedly petting Chanmi’s knee. “And Friday evening, as well. I’m sorry but I can’t come.” 

“No surprise there.” Baekhee’s words carry no heat- she knows it isn’t his fault, didn’t expect him to come anyway. But what she didn’t quite prepare for is to see Chanmi look hesitant, as well. 

“I don’t know if I should go,” she murmurs, wringing her hands in her lap, glancing at Kyungsoo meaningfully. Ah, of course. “Loud parties aren’t really my thing…”

That’s a lie if Baekhee’s ever heard one, but she isn’t going to call her out. She knows why she’s doing this, and she’s not going to stand in her way. Except now, she’s stuck with only Jongdae and Junmyeon- and that is not a good mix, not when Jongdae has been growing ever more agitated with the fact that Baekhee is still living with him. 

But it’s too late now. 

“I’ll be there for sure,” Jongdae says confidently. “I need to let lose, man. The finals are barely around the corner, this is gonna be the last chance to party it up before burying ourselves in textbooks.” 

Baekhee wraps her arm around Junmyeon’s, makes puppy eyes at him. It’s a low blow, it sure is, but she needs him to come. To be stuck at the party with Jongdae alone, no way. She can’t let that happen. 

“Oppa,” she coos, fluttering her eyelashes at him. It still makes him flush and squirm, like always, a reaction so adorable despite how much time they spend together nowadays. “You should really come with us. We don’t even have to stay so late, we can just go in and see how it’s like, and leave. It’ll be a good experience for you, and you’ll have me and Jongdae, hm? Please say you will come.” 

Junmyeon’s cheeks are adorably pink and he opens and closes his mouth, the words stuck somewhere behind his tongue. “I mean- I mean, I guess,” he says, looking helpless. “I mean, yeah, I think I could- you’re right, it’d be good for me, I’m just, it’s just a lot. But I guess, I guess it’ll be okay.” 

It’s as good of a promise as she’ll ever get out of him, and she rewards him for his trouble with a playful ruffle of his hair. She can practically feel the daggers Jongdae is sending her way with his hard gaze, but she couldn’t care less. “Alright, it’s decided then,” she chirps. “The three of us are gonna go party!”

*****

When the day of the party comes, dragging Junmyeon out of the house proves to be just as difficult as Baekhee suspected it to be. He keeps stalling, changing his outfit and fiddling with his hair, even going as far as asking Baekhee to put makeup on him to hide couple blemishes on his skin. The last part proves to be fun, however, as Baekhee then does his eyebrows and puts some eyeliner on him as well, all the while sipping on her mixture of beer and soju. The final look is stunning, even if Junmyeon’s clothes are all a bit worn out and years behind on the most current trends. But he looks handsome, and when Baekhee tells him that, he once again blushes quite adorably, nervous fingers playing with the hem of his t-shirt. 

Baekhee resorts to almost bodily herding him through the door, using all of the added height from her high heels to her advantage. She feels like she’s on the top of the world right now, dressed sexily and makeup done with extra care, alcohol buzzing through her. All in all, a successful pre-game, she thinks, laughing loud and carefree as they make their way down the stairs and onto the street. 

They get on the subway to head west, just a couple of stops, and Jongdae joins them when they exit the station. He, too, looks quite dashing, Baekhee has to admit, in his tight jeans and black t-shirt, but she keeps her thoughts to herself as not to give him any ideas. As if on cue, Junmyeon steps closer to her, wrapping a rather possessive arm around her; it’s completely unexpected, and Baekhee doesn’t know what to think of it, only knows for sure how much Jongdae seems to disapprove of the gesture. 

And so the atmosphere is already tense, between the two men, before the night even properly begins. 

“C’mon guys, let’s go,” Baekhee loudly says, nudging Jongdae’s shoulder playfully to stop him from glaring. “We don’t wanna be late!” 

“You look very beautiful tonight,” Jongdae comments, grabbing her wrist lightly. “Like, hot damn. We see you dressed appropriately for school all the time so I tend to kind of forget what a hottie you can be. Isn’t that right, Junmyeon hyung? Living with her, you probably can’t even find her attractive anymore.” 

Junmyeon’s fingertips dig deeper into Baekhee’s waist, so much so that she almost wants to slip out of his hold. “No, living with her hasn’t really changed how attractive she is,” Junmyeon replies, a little harsh. “Baekhee, don’t listen to him. You’re always so, so gorgeous.” 

Uh oh. Baekhee can tell this is all bad news, and it makes her so uncomfortable in her skin. The bickering is already giving her a headache, yet something about Junmyeon’s words make her heart flutter in a way she can only describe as unsettling. She’s never felt anything like this before, and she decidedly doesn’t like it. 

“Well thank you, gentlemen,” she says, pulling her hand free from Jongdae’s grasp to light up a cigarette as they walk. “You flatter me so much.” She’s grateful to spot the bar they’re headed to only a bit further away, the neon signs flashing bright and inviting. Briefly, she wonders if this is how Junmyeon felt about her when they first met- drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, like an urban dweller to a flashing open-sign. 

Inside, the music is loud, and the entire bar reeks of cigarette smoke. It’s crowded already, although most of them familiar faces, and Baekhee is immediately pulled from group to group as everyone wants to greet her, have a piece of her. And she goes along with it, smiling and laughing and soaking up every bit of that attention, although she finds herself distracted; where did Junmyeon go, where’s Junmyeon, why can’t she see him. 

It’s odd, to be so consumed by thoughts of someone else. Before, it wouldn’t have mattered- what’s one person to her when there are dozens of others, willing to give her the attention she craves? Yet she can’t stop worrying, can’t stop wondering if Junmyeon is doing okay. If Jongdae is taking care of him while she’s whisked from a familiar face to another, everyone eager to see her, hug her, flirt with her. 

She never fully realized how well she’s gotten to know everyone in their department, and even people outside of it. It’s somehow startling, to have them all in one space like this, and she’s a bit overwhelmed. Yet she doesn’t get to escape the whirlwind of people until much later, when she’s finally able to slip away and walk to the bar to grab her first proper drink of the night. 

Scanning the crowd, it’s not so easy to spot Jongdae or Junmyeon anywhere. She eventually sees Jongdae standing to the side, chatting with some guys who Baekhee knows attend some of the same classes they do. Junmyeon is nowhere in sight, however, although that shouldn’t be a surprise- yet it makes Baekhee anxious now that she’s not occupied any longer. 

She walks over to Jongdae, smiling politely to the guys who scramble to greet her, clearly a little out of their depth talking to her. She pays that no mind, however, instead tugging on Jongdae’s sleeve to get him to properly look at her. “Where’s oppa?” she asks, raising her eyebrows meaningfully. She can see the agitation in Jongdae’s eyes immediately, but pretends not to understand what it means. 

“I don’t know, he vanished as soon as you did,” Jongdae murmurs, taking a large gulp from his beer. “I haven’t heard a peep from him. He might have already left.”   
“You wish,” Baekhee murmurs. “Whatever. I need to find him. I’ll catch up with you later.” 

“Don’t go,” Jongdae drawls, draping his arm around her now, shooting the guys still standing around a blinding smile. “Stay. We can find somewhere to sit, and I’ll buy you the next round. It’ll be fun. If he wants to join us, he can come find us.” 

Baekhee doesn’t want to make a scene, doesn’t want to embarrass Jongdae, but she’s firm in pushing his arm away, forcing a playful smile on her lips for the sake of saving face. “No, I should really find him,” she insists, turning towards the guys who all seem unable to take their eyes off her. “He doesn’t really know anyone here, you know. I should be a good host, I can’t just let him be by himself. I hope you understand.” 

They all mumble something incoherent, but Baekhee takes it as an affirmative, and is quick to slip away. She’s going to have to have a stern talk with Jongdae soon- this is all getting out of hand, and if this goes too far, she knows she’s going to end up losing him. But right now, that’s not her priority. She needs to find Junmyeon. 

She walks around the bar, staying close to the wall because that’s where she thinks Junmyeon would feel the safest. Where he would drift to, trying to feel more secure in a place surrounded by strangers. It’s slow, making her round, as everyone still keeps grabbing her, still keeps pleading for her attention, and it has her floating, glowing, feeling so pleased and confident- but Junmyeon. Junmyeon needs her. 

It’s not until she makes it to the balcony that she finds him, and it feels like déjà vu, almost. The darkness around them, the light behind them, the distant sounds of chattering and music a constant hum in the background, the smell of cigarette smoke… Just how she found him, for the first time, all those months ago. Yet so much has changed, and standing next to him, pressing up against him, she feels the kind of content she’s never known in her life before. 

It’s kind of scary. 

“What are you doing out here, hiding?” she asks, bumping shoulders with him. She can only barely see him, but it’s progress- it’s more than she expected. She steals the cigarette from his fingers to take a slow drag, relishing in the taste of it. “I thought you were supposed to learn how to party, oppa.” 

“I got shy,” Junmyeon admits, flustered. “You were busy… I didn’t want to hold onto you like a dead weight, and I figured Jongdae didn’t want me around either.” 

Baekhee feels as though she should argue against that, but she knows it would be pointless. Junmyeon isn’t stupid. 

“But the point of this exercise is to help you push your limits,” she reminds him. “It’s supposed to be a little uncomfortable. Have some beer, loosen up a little. It’ll be fine.”   
Junmyeon hums, gazing out at the city below with his chin resting on his hand. “I mean, I don’t know. It’s not really my scene, and I don’t think it would be even if I wasn’t like this,” he says with a slight shrug. “I mean- I used to stalk parties like these, to feel more connected to the outside world, but being part of it… I don’t know that I like it.” 

“You’re just not trying hard enough.” Baekhee can’t really understand Junmyeon- what is there not to like about parties, about people, about alcohol? But maybe Junmyeon is right. Maybe he really wouldn’t be much of a party goer even if he had had the chance to become one. 

That makes Junmyeon sigh. “Maybe,” he mumbles. “And I know I’m letting you down every time I don’t make progress… I know you want me to. I know you’re trying to push me, I know you’re doing your best, but sometimes, Baekhee-ya… Sometimes, I wish you were a little less stubborn.” 

There’s unexpected honesty to his words, and Baekhee can barely hide that it’s on this side of offensive, hurtful even. “I’ve just been trying to help you,” she says, a little indignant, throwing away the butt of the cigarette before reaching for another. “And you know, sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re refusing to obey because you’re just scared, or because you truly don’t want to do it. How am I supposed to know?”

Junmyeon finally turns to look at her, and gives her an apologetic smile. “I guess you’re right,” he quietly says, and glances over his shoulder at the bar behind them. “And I guess there are other reasons why I’m not enjoying this as much as I should be. In theory it should be fun, and it is, I guess, but I didn’t account for how I’d feel seeing you like this, with these people…” 

And now, Baekhee is just very confused. “Seeing me like how? With who?” she can’t help but ask, and she can tell Junmyeon doesn’t want to answer, sees the worried pull to his brows, but he’s always been nothing but honest with her- always so sincere, always ready to answer her questions, and he doesn’t fail her now. 

“Fluttering around, putting on this act that’s not really the Baekhee I know,” he says, eyes dark, saddened. “You’re selling yourself so short, Baekhee, trying to make yourself likeable and desirable to these people. You shouldn’t be, you shouldn’t be so… so easy, Baekhee. You shouldn’t offer yourself to them so easily, laughing at their stupid jokes like that, smiling at them like that, letting them touch you like that.” 

It’s like a slap in the face, hearing such words from Junmyeon. From Junmyeon, of all people, who she had assumed to not judge her, not guilt her into fitting a mold she never wanted to accept. And the implications- the shame, it burns through her, the realization of what Junmyeon means. 

“That’s real fucking obnoxious, coming from a fucking thief and a stalker,” she hisses, angrily snuffing out her cigarette. “Calling me a slut? You’re fucking ridiculous, you know that? So this is why you wanted me to stop hanging out with strangers, huh. You just were disgusted by the idea that I was sleeping around with people, you fucking piece of shit.” 

The words are barely out of her mouth before Junmyeon has already turned completely invisible, and although Baekhee knows that it’s not his fault, that it’s out of his control, it still feeds into her anger, into the frustration she’s felt over Junmyeon’s progress in getting better. And the sheer rage she feels, just from Junmyeon talking to her like that- she’s trusted him, she’s confided in him, and it hurts. It hurts to much to know that after all this time, he looks down on her, despises and condemns her behavior when all she did was greet some friends. 

“Yeah, hide away, you coward,” she spits out. “Hide, so I look like a fucking lunatic, talking to myself out here. That’s just fantastic. Insult me and then vanish, just like that, thanks so much. You piece of trash. You’re fucking pathetic, Junmyeon.” And she wants to do something dramatic, wants to somehow blow off this steam, properly take it out on him, her hand itching, but she knows she can’t. She shouldn’t. And so she just walks off, upset that she can’t slam the door behind her as loud as she’d like. 

She’s never been this upset, ever, and she doesn’t quite know what to do. But before she can decide if she should slam back more drinks or just leave, Jongdae finds her, and grabs her arm, pulls her against his body possessively. Baekhee can see in his eyes how drunk he is and she’s quick to push him off, not wanting his touch, not in this moment, not ever again. Not like that. 

“Did you find your oppa,” he drawls, scorn evident in his voice now that alcohol has wiped away all pretenses. “Did you find him, huh?” 

“I did,” Baekhee answers curtly. “And I think I’m gonna go home, now. I’ve had enough.” 

Jongdae furrows his brows in confusion, staring at her, but he’s quick to push that aside. “Come home with me,” he says, flashing her a smile. “We can’t go to my house tonight but you know. We could make do. Finding a place isn’t so hard.” 

This time, Baekhee doesn’t hold back, and slaps him on the cheek how she’d wanted to slap Junmyeon earlier. “If you think you’re gonna take me to some sleazy, dirty love motel where you pay for the room by the fucking hour, think again,” she yells in his face. She’s had enough. “And if you think I’ll ever sleep with you again then you’re wrong about that too! Get over it, will you, I’m not going to date you or fuck you and if you keep acting like this then I won’t be your friend anymore either! I’ve had enough of you acting like a fool over it, I’m done with it! Get it together or get lost.” 

And she knows there would have been better ways to say it, to let him down, more mature and constructive ways to have this conversation. But she’s done biting her tongue. First Junmyeon and now Jongdae, she feels so thoroughly humiliated and hurt. To have them both do this to her… She’s close to tears, but she won’t give into that. She won’t let them hold that kind of power over her. 

Instead, she’ll show them they don’t own her. They don’t get to tell her what to do- they don’t get to decide where she goes, or what she does. 

She’s made a bit of a scene, and she knows people are watching, listening in. “Bye, Jongdae,” she says, and marches off, rushing to get out of the bar because she knows she can’t stay. This is not the kind of attention she wants, not the kind that makes her powerful and happy. 

But she knows where to go, what to do when all else fails. 

She stumbles down the stairs to get to the street, and hails herself a taxi, ordering the driver to take her to Gangnam. Hongdae would be cheaper to party in, but she doesn’t have the patience for the 30-minute ride there, and she knows the places to go for men who won’t think twice about buying her drinks.

It’s so easy. She’s perfected this- this art of falling into new people, charming them and allowing herself to be charmed, treating everyone like an old friend but also a new adventure. To drown herself in the haze of the night, the music and the drinks, the occasional cigarette, the laughter and the meaningful looks sent her way. Even the time spent away from this all, ever since he moved in with Junmyeon, hasn’t weakened her ability. 

The only issue is that Junmyeon still keeps reappearing- in her mind only, but still distracting. His face, his voice, the promise she made to him not to do this again. And no matter how much she keeps pushing those thoughts away, they still return, slip into the lulls in the conversation and the moments spent staring herself in the mirror, and no matter how many shots she knocks back, they keep coming back to her. 

It’s infuriating. It’s upsetting. 

He can’t have her. She doesn’t want him in her head. 

But even as she falls into bed with a beautiful girl that night, even as they kiss and undress each other, even as they grow more desperate and needy…. Junmyeon still keeps reappearing. The thoughts of him, they still won’t disappear, not even as the girl kisses down her body and finally makes it in between her legs, her mouth to her slick warmth, and it’s so frustrating, it’s so upsetting, and no matter how much Baekhee tries to get into it, stay in the moment, she can’t. 

And she realizes that it’s not only breaking her promise that makes her feel this way. It’s not only her desire to show him he can’t control her.

It’s the shittiest way to realize you’ve fallen for someone, while in bed with someone else, but it’s how it happens for Baekhee, and after that epiphany, nothing’s the same. 

But she’s already made her mistakes, and she can’t take them back, can’t undo it. Even as she slips out of bed, afterwards, and collects her clothes to get dressed again, she knows there’s no going back. No hiding this- she could try, but she knows it’d be stupid. Useless. 

The irony is that she ends up renting a room from a love motel, although all by herself, since she has nowhere else to go for the night. At least her drunkenness lets her fall asleep quickly, yet she already frets the morning, because on with a clearer mind, this whole mess is only going to feel so much worse.

And she’s not wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

On a whim, Baekhee decides to head home the following day. It occurs to her, as she’s getting dressed up to leave her rented room, preparing for her walk of shame of sorts, that no one should be at home- or her mother shouldn’t be, at least, since she’s been hospitalized. And suddenly her heart aches, longs for the comfort of home even if she knows it’s nothing but an illusion, a memory that never happened, and she’s tripping over her feet in her haste to catch a bus there.

Because she’s tired, and she’s hurt, and she needs a place to rest.

It’s almost eerie, returning home after weeks and weeks. It’s familiar and it’s not, the smell of the house hitting her first as she enters. She’s spent longer periods of time away while she was in high school, living in a dormitory, but this time, she feels like a thief lurking around. She knows she shouldn’t be here, yet she is, and suddenly she’s tearing up and crying, crying at how helpless she feels under the weight of it all. Her mother’s illness, her brother’s anger, her father’s absence… And the fact that she’s fallen in love like an idiot. 

“Why do you stand there crying like that?” 

Her father’s voice startles her, and she lifts up her head to stare at him, wiping at her eyes clumsily as her hands shake. “I didn’t… I didn’t think you would be home,” she replies with instead of giving him a proper answer. “I thought you would be at work…” 

He hums quietly, but doesn’t come any closer. Physical affection has never been a possibility. “I’m going to go in later,” he says. “I’m going to go and take your mother some food before I go. Do you want to come with me?” 

He’s always been such a gentle soul, and Baekhee loves him- loves him so achingly, loves him all the more dearly for how much she cannot love her mother. But there’s also a strict divide; he often sides with her mother, and even more often, he’s gone, at work, and not of any support or help to her. Whenever Baekhee needs her father, he’s not there.  
And in that they’re so similar, because they both keep running away. Running away from the things that hurt them the most. 

“No,” Baekhee replies, turning away. She hates allowing him to see her this way. “I don’t want to go. I already told Baekbom that. I just came here… just came here to pick up some of my clothes and stuff.” 

“And why are you crying?” And Baekhee wants to give in, wants to turn around and hug him, seek comfort from him like a small child would… But she knows she’s far outgrown that, and there’s no going back. There’s no fixing this. 

“I’m just really tired,” she murmurs. “It’s been tough at school… I’ve been working really hard to do well in my exams. I want to get that scholarship, since you guys won’t pay my tuition any longer.” And she can’t help the bitterness, can’t help the anger flaring up suddenly, even if it’s unfair. 

He sighs heavily. “Of course we’re going to take care of that,” he simply says. “So don’t worry about it. Alright? Just be happy. And come back home, please. We both miss you.” 

He doesn’t say anything else, and just opens the fridge to take out the food containers, and then he leaves. Simple as that. But as the door closes behind him, Baekhee sinks down to the floor, sobbing now, face in her hands as she cries, screams into her soft palms as grief washes over her. She has no way to express how much she wants her father’s words to be true- how much she longs for it, yearns for it. Wants a home where she would feel welcome, and loved, and like she has a place there too. A home where she felt her parents’ love, where her needs weren’t just an afterthought. She wants to stop running because she’s tired, but she knows there’s no coming back. No matter how much she wants her parents to take care of her, wants them to be a happy family, she knows it could never be. 

And now, she’s also lost Junmyeon. Maybe even Jongdae. She shudders as she thinks back to the arguments. The words have been echoing in her head all night and all morning, giving her no peace, and she doesn’t know what to do. Where to go, what to say. 

She stays on the floor for a long time, unashamed to cry when there’s no one there to see, no one to judge her for it. But the longer she cries, the more she realizes that she wants someone to be there, needs someone to be there. Crying alone, she only feels more miserable for it, finding no comfort in it.

She never wished to feel so alone, yet this is where she ended up. Directionless, without a place to call home.

It’s only after she’s calmed down that she finally calls Chanmi. She dials her as she gets up and begins to pick through her room, collecting articles of clothing and other items she’s been missing while staying at Junmyeon’s, just to give herself a distraction. It doesn’t take long for Chanmi to pick up, her bubbliness and joy clear in her voice. 

“Oh, I’m so glad you called, Baekhee-ya! I’ve wanted to call you, but I thought you would be hungover, so I was waiting for you to call me first. You won’t believe this, you really won’t, but Kyungsoo- he asked me to go out with him last night! Or like, he confessed! He said that he has feelings for me!” And she laughs, loud and bright, obviously overjoyed to share her news. “He said he’s wanted to confess for months but didn’t know how, and I had no idea that he felt that way. Can you imagine?”

Baekhee can- yes she can, but she doesn’t want to. Right now, it only hurts, hurts to hear of others’ happiness, hear how well they’re doing. Especially someone like Chanmi, who has only ever been loved so dearly. 

It’s not fair. 

But if there’s one person in this whole world that Baekhee would never hurt, it’s Chanmi. She couldn’t, especially not in a moment like this. So instead of screaming out her frustration, she bites it all back, swallows it down, wills her voice to stay even not to give away how upset she is. “That’s so great,” she murmurs, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “I’m really happy for you… but I think we all saw it coming from a mile away.” 

“You did?” Chanmi smile is so obvious in her voice. “I didn’t realize it at all but god, Baekhee, I’m so happy I’m floating! I care about him so, so much, I’m so happy to call him my boyfriend.” 

“I bet,” Baekhee forces out. “Listen, I think I need to go. I have things to do, uh, it’s very urgent. I’ll call you later so you can tell me all about what happened last night.” 

“Alright,” Chanmi chirps, before changing her tone to a teasing lilt. “Hopefully you will have equally good news to share, as well. I’m sure Junmyeon oppa will ask you out any moment now.” 

That takes Baekhee by complete surprise. “What,” she stutters, her heart sinking into her stomach. “What are you saying?” 

“I’m saying, he’s been very obvious with you lately, hasn’t he,” Chanmi replies with. “You guys do cute domestic things all the time, and he looks at you like you’re his moon and stars. And you’ve gotten so close with him, and whenever he’s around you, he’s more visible than he usually is. When it’s just me, or Kyungsoo or Jongdae, he hides more. You give him confidence, make him feel safer.” 

“What.” Baekhee is left completely speechless in her confusion. Chanmi can’t be right. “We just… we just live together, of course we’ve… gotten close, or something.” 

Chanmi sighs as though playfully irritated with how dense she is. “Yes, but it’s more than that,” she insists. “Like, doesn’t it make sense? He didn’t have anyone for so long, and then you came into his life, and befriended him, helped him make new friends, and even moved in with him? Of course that’s going to mean a lot to him, like, of course he’s gonna fall for you. I know you little miss heartbreaker probably never thought about it at all, but to everyone else, it’s been so obvious.” 

Baekhee feels as though Chanmi is in no place to say that to her, but she refrains from saying it out loud. Her head is suddenly swimming with thoughts, all of them overwhelming, and she can’t continue this conversation any longer. 

“You’re mistaken,” she says, rushed. “And even if you weren’t, it wouldn’t matter, so. I seriously gotta go now, I’ll talk to you later.” And she ends the call before Chanmi can get a word in sideways, tossing her phone away from her as though it burned her. 

Chanmi can’t possibly be right.

Except Baekhee now knows that the signs have been there- and it hasn’t been just Junmyeon, but her as well. Her own heart betrayed her, and she knows that she should have stopped it when she still could. All those times she relied on him, turned to him in times of need, shared her secrets with him. Every time, Junmyeon came through, never letting her down, and she didn’t realize how much it meant to her until it was too late. 

Getting attached to Junmyeon was a luxury she couldn’t afford, but even knowing this, she still gave in. Gave in, because she was tired of running, of being alone even surrounded by people, because those people knew nothing about her, about where she’s been and what she’s been through.

Junmyeon knew, he discovered it all, and he still stayed. 

Baekhee understands her mistake now, but her heart aches all the more for it; she knows she made a huge mistake last night, and doesn’t know how to take it back. 

A simple apology isn’t going to fix it, now.

*****

Baekhee doesn’t go home that day- doesn’t go to Junmyeon’s apartment, that is. She sits at a coffee shop with all her clothes she took from her room and just stares at the table, shoulders hunched forward, feeling smaller than ever before. She’s never allowed herself to really stop and think- stop and realize how much she’s been struggling up until now, but now, she has to face it head on. Feeling like she’s closed all the doors around her, she doesn’t see a way out.

She can’t go back home, and she knows she’s broken Junmyeon’s conditions. So where does she go from here? She’d turn to Chanmi but she doesn’t want to taint her moment of happiness with her own burdens, and she realizes with a start that everyone else she knows from university, they’re just shallow acquaintances. No one is going to want her, no one is going to help her. 

She always wanted to be surrounded by people, but never wanted them to get too close, and here she is now, at the end of the road. 

It’s worse yet to know that it’s been all her fault. 

Her phone has been going off, steadily, phone calls and texts coming in from Junmyeon, Chanmi. Even Jongdae. She hasn’t answered any, hasn’t looked at any, because she knows it would only cause her more pain. And she knows that she overreacted last night, shouldn’t have said what she did, shouldn’t have done the things she did, and she doesn’t know how to own up to it, how to make it okay again. If it can ever be okay. 

She feels like she’s backed up against a wall, and there’s no way out. Nowhere left to go.

And so she decides that she needs to leave. Just leave, and actually run away. 

She doesn’t have much cash on her, her financial situation a complete mess, but she scrounges up enough money for a bus ticket out of town. She doesn’t even look at the map, just picks a place and hops on the bus. Curls up small on the plush seat and wills herself to find peace in watching the scenery pass by as the bus carries her away. And it’s all sorts of reckless and stupid, to do this, especially with finals only around the corner, but Baekhee sees no other way.

For the first time, she needs to be alone. 

Baekhee turns her phone off, to stop it from buzzing in her pocket. She doesn’t want to answer, doesn’t want to see the messages flashing across her screen. She watches the buildings go by and tries to have her mind just wander- think about the strangers who live there, live their lives like this, tries to imagine how that’s like. What they’re like.

But everything keeps coming back to her own life. To Junmyeon, mostly, and the amount of guilt she feels for doing this to him already speaks for itself. She’s never thought twice about the people whose hearts she has toyed with; she never assumed any of them would get attached, didn’t look back, only treated it as a game.

Even with Jongdae, it was just a game. Meaningless, stupid, thoughtless. Easy for her, but not easy for him. 

She’s been too self-absorbed to understand how people around her feel about any of it. Been too busy fluttering from person to person to ever consider how that might hurt- how it might cause pain to those who have wanted her to stay. 

The self-loathing washes hot and heavy over her, and Baekhee doesn’t quite know how to face it. How to make peace with what she’s done. 

She arrives in a small town by the Yellow Sea. She can hear the waves as soon as she steps off the bus, the bus station almost empty save for the woman sitting behind the desk, a car passing by only every once in a while. The silence is almost deafening to someone so used to the busy capital and it takes her by surprise, just standing there, not knowing where to go, with nothing to distract her, to catch her attention. Just her, alone, in a town she doesn’t even know the name of. 

She walks around in circles, around the station, to avoid getting lost, as she looks for a grocery store. She doesn’t want to ask anyone, doesn’t want to face even these strangers, and so she spends a good while looking for one before she has any luck. Baekhee only has a handful of coins in her pocket but it’s enough to buy her two bottles of soju, and the only thing she needs to do after that is follow the sound of the waves to the beach. 

It’s Sunday, so the beach is a little crowded. Families, couples, people walking their dogs. But it’s still quiet, compared to the Han river- yet as soon as that thought crosses Baekhee’s mind, she’s only reminded of the picnic they had there, with Junmyeon. How she fooled him there, to finally meet her friends. How much fun it had been, even despite how nervous Junmyeon was. And how proud of him she’d felt, seeing him conquer his fears.

He really has come so far, almost always visible now if it’s their circle of friends. He still needs to work on his confidence in public, but Baekhee doesn’t doubt that he’ll get there- he’s made progress in leaps and bounds, even if the beginning was slow, and he now has the motivation to do it. He’s got it. 

A more selfish part of her wonders if losing her would mean anything- if that would hinder him, or if he’s grown independent from Baekhee already. And she knows it’s bad of her to wish that he would need her. Because she’s supposed to set him free, walk him out of his prison so he can finally be happy. He shouldn’t need her to hold his hand, because all she’ll ever do is hurt him. 

She takes a swig from the soju and shudders. The sand feels warm and so she kicks off her shoes and socks, to sink her toes in, rests her eyes on the slow back and forth of the waves. 

But the truth is, she needs him. She never wanted to, never planned to, but it simply happened. For it wasn’t just her helping him, but it always went both ways. 

It was Junmyeon she called after she got kicked out, or walked out. It was him who comforted her after the crushing news of her mother being hospitalized. It was him who stole her tampons when she needed them, it was him who took her home when she was too drunk to be by herself. 

It was him who listened to her troubles, and laughed with her over shared dinner. 

He was there, every step of the way, and she just never realized- was blind to how much it meant. How much she cherished it. 

And she realizes now that perhaps Junmyeon didn’t ask her not to sleep with strangers because he thought it was immoral, but because he was jealous. Because it hurt him, hurt him to see the evidence of Baekhee not returning his feelings. 

It seems ludicrous, the possibility of it, but Chanmi had sounded so sure… 

Baekhee drowns out her thoughts with more soju, and watches the sea as the sun goes down, as people trickle out go eat dinner, to go home to their families, to do the things that happy people do. The sand grows cool and the wind grows chillier, but she has nowhere to be, nowhere to go, and so she stays, staring out to the sea until she can’t be sure if she’s awake or asleep, the alcohol coursing through her making her woozy and disoriented. The waves keep coming, in and out, in and out, and she sways with them, back and forth, back and forth. 

“I want to go home,” she whispers to no one, wrapping her arms around herself. “I want to go home, but I can’t… I ruined everything, every good thing I finally had.” 

The truth is, she doesn’t know how to apologize, how to make up with people. Dealing with her mother, who is so manipulative and self-centered, she’s grown in a home where forgiveness was a fickle thing, next to impossible to achieve. Her mother might not forgive and move on for days if it so pleased her, and so, Baekhee learned to walk on eggshells around her. Tiptoe to avoid the possibility of a complete disaster; except as she got older, the more tired of it she grew, which was what pushed her to completely walk out as she did.

But she doesn’t know how to apologize to Junmyeon.

No one ever taught her how. 

This has been one of the reasons why she’s moved on from people so quickly. Baekhee never wished to deal with these messy things, never wanted to stay long enough for trouble to arise. It’s why only Chanmi stayed with her, the reason why she makes as many new friends but only on the surface. 

If only she had grown up in a different home. If only she didn’t have to learn relationship models from her mother, if only she didn’t have these secrets to hide. 

If only she didn’t need people so badly all the while being scared of allowing them too close. 

“Hey, you alright there?” Someone shakes her by the shoulder, completely startling her, and Baekhee almost falls over in her haste to pull away. Looking up at the person disturbing her, she’s surprised to realize that it’s a police officer, his partner standing only a little bit behind him, watching her intently as well. 

“No, it’s alright,” the officer who approached her says. “Take it easy, yeah? Someone called us to come check on you, because you’ve been out here for a long time. Are you from around here? Do you need a ride home?” 

Shame flushes hot and heavy through Baekhee. Someone called the cops on her- what a pathetic drunk she must seem, to have strangers so worried for her. But then, this is a small town, and she probably caught the attention of many, sitting out here all by herself, with her flaming hot hair and bottles of soju. 

“No, I’m not from here,” she murmurs, slowly standing up. She’s unsteady on her feet but she manages, doing her best to appear normal. “I uh… I don’t really have anywhere to go. But I’m alright, ahjussi, I really am.” 

“I don’t think you are, though,” the man says, watching her wobble on her feet. “It’s cold out here, this time of night. You have to go somewhere, we can’t just leave you out here. Something could happen.” 

For the first time ever, Baekhee understands why Junmyeon sometimes wants to hide. If only she could just disappear, and be left alone- she doesn’t want to explain, doesn’t want to tell these men why she’s alone, why she has no one, why she has no place to go. And it strikes her then, even through her drunken stupor, that it’s probably one reason why Junmyeon became invisible; not only because he was treated as though he was, but also to hide the shame of being alone. Hide, so no one could see him as an outcast. 

“Miss?” Baekhee spaced out for a moment, and now the officer is shining his flashlight in her face to get her attention. “Listen, we really can’t leave you out here. Where do you live? The buses have stopped running but it’s not long until they’ll be running again. Or do you not have money?” 

All Baekhee wants to do is to curl up small and not deal with this. But she knows these police officers won’t leave her alone until she’s given them a some kind of answer- a some kind of plan. 

“I don’t know,” she mutters, clumsily wiping sand off her clothes. She can really feel the cold wind now, her teeth chattering. “I have no money… I’m from Seoul.” 

“Jesus Christ,” the other officer murmurs under his breath. “All the way from Seoul? What are you doing all the way here, all by yourself? You need to call your parents right now, they must be worried sick.” 

And there are many things she could respond to that with- honest, bitter, hateful even. But also deep down she knows that it’s probably true, they probably do worry, even despite it all, and it’s that thought alone that brings her back to the conversation she had with her father earlier. Brings her close to tears, but she brushes it off as quickly as it came. 

“My mom is at the hospital, and my dad is either working or with her,” she replies with, simply. “I cannot bother them.”

The police officers share a look, before turning to her once more. “Do you have any friends with a car?” the first officer asks. “Anyone who could come and pick you up? You could stay at the station until then. Or we could buy you a ticket for the first bus to Seoul, and they could send us the money back. Send you home. Isn’t it finals season at school, too? You’re a college student, right?” 

“Right.” Baekhee doesn’t quite know what to say, her usual wit completely gone. “I guess… I guess I could call someone…” She doesn’t want to, hates even the thought of having to ask someone else for a favor like this, but she has no choice. The officers are kind, but firm, and they won’t leave her alone until they’re sure she’s safe. 

She almost drops her phone, taking it out of her bag, fumbles with it to turn it back on. The device vibrates almost angrily in her hand as all the messages and missed phone calls come flooding in, the screen even freezing for a moment before it finally recovers from the onslaught. “Looks like someone has been looking for you,” the police officer says dryly. “If you can’t call your parents, call your best friend or your boyfriend. Someone who’ll help you get home.” 

Baekhee feels a little numb, staring at the numbers indicating all the messages and calls that have come in. It’s not as though she expected no one to miss her- she knows she’s not insignificant, but she didn’t think her friends would worry so much about her. And once again, she feels like crying, and it’s getting harder and harder to push the tears back, but she manages somehow. 

“Hurry up, we need to get you out of here. You’re freezing, aren’t you?” 

It’s not right to resurface like this, not after the fight they had, not after disappearing like she did, but Baekhee, deep down, is glad for the excuse. She wouldn’t know how to reach out otherwise, and being forced to do so is a relief. It makes things simpler, at least for now, and the truth is that she knows who will come to her rescue. Who has never turned her away, who will always come when she needs him to. Who for sure isn’t asleep yet, despite the late hour. 

“Baekhee! Where the fuck have you been? Tell me, tell oppa, right now, where are you?” 

It’s that simple, to make her feel like things aren’t so bad after all. Just hearing his voice is enough, the fact that he picked up even though Baekhee has been such a stupid prick to him, even though she screwed up, even though she said all those mean things to him. He still answered. 

She doesn’t know what she would have done if he hadn’t. 

“I need you to come and get me. Take me home.”

*****

Baekhee has enough time to eat the meal the kind police officers buy for her and doze off on the couch at the police station, before Junmyeon finally arrives. She doesn’t see him walk in but is shaken awake by his voice calling her name, the sound of his footsteps, and when she opens her eyes he’s standing right there- real, living, even under the terrible fluorescent lighting. Visible, true, tangible.

“Oppa,” she whispers, struggles to sit upright, struggles to stand up. She has an urge to hug him but she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to, and so she wraps her arms around herself, looks down at her feet. She’s ashamed, and apologetic, and so, so relieved to have him here, and doesn’t quite know what to do with all that emotion bubbling up inside of her. 

“Here, I brought you a jacket,” Junmyeon murmurs, wrapping the garment around her gently. “Let’s go. We won’t make it back to Seoul in time for class but, it’ll be alright. It’s alright. Let’s go, c’mon.” He’s babbling, he’s nervous, like when she first met him, before she truly got to know him, but he’s standing right there; visible, even though he’s anxious. Here to take her home. 

Junmyeon thanks the police officers profusely for looking after her, before walking her outside, steadying her as they walk down the steps onto the street. There, he leads her to a car and opens the passenger side door for her, gestures for her to get inside. Baekhee stands there stupefied for a moment, unsure as to what make of this- she’s never seen this car, never realized that Junmyeon was going to pick her up in a car. 

“It’s my brother’s,” Junmyeon explains, nudging her inside. “One of his many cars, actually. He won’t miss this one any time soon, I don’t think. It’s alright. I just borrowed it. It’s not stealing if it’s family.” 

He’s quick to shut the door, and round the car to get to the driver’s seat. Outside, the darkness of the night is already fading into the sunrise, and Baekhee feels disconnected from the reality. Time and place, they’ve lost all meaning. Nothing feels real, except Junmyeon, Junmyeon right here, beside her. Junmyeon, who came even despite what Baekhee did to him, said to him last time they spoke. 

They start driving in silence, Junmyeon knuckles white where he’s holding onto the steering wheel. Baekhee is drifting in and out of sleep, nodding off before she jerks back awake, her eyelids too heavy to stay open but her mind reminding her to stay alert. That there are things that need to be said.

“Oppa,” she murmurs, and even her tongue feels clumsy. She isn’t drunk anymore, but her exhaustion is getting to her now. “Oppa… I’m, I’m really sorry. So sorry about everything…” 

But Junmyeon is quick to shush her. “Now’s not the time,” he says, surprisingly firm. “It’s been a long night. I don’t know how you ended up all the way here, and you have no idea what me and your friends have been through trying to reach you. And you’re tired, and drunk. So now, just sleep, and I’ll wake you up when we get to Seoul. Alright? Now is not the time.” 

That makes her shut up instantly. Junmyeon has never spoken to her like this- and surely, if she was in her proper senses, she wouldn’t be happy about it, her pride and temper too hot to tolerate it, even if it’s well deserved. But now, tired and ashamed of herself as she is, it’s easy to just obey, try and please him, fix what she can by behaving, even if it’s all too late to be on her best behavior. 

“Okay,” she murmurs, and kicks off her shoes to pull her knees against her chest, curls up small in her seat, closes her eyes. “Okay…” 

Junmyeon touches her arm, although only briefly. “It’s alright,” he says quietly. “You’re alright. Just rest.” 

And Baekhee does, even if fitfully so. 

Nothing has yet been fixed, but somehow, she feels more at peace, just being in his presence.

*****

She wakes up when Junmyeon stops the car and nudges her gently. “This is where we leave the car,” he explains, ushering her out of the vehicle. “We need to take the subway to my apartment from here. Just hang on one moment, I need to take the keys back to his apartment.” And he disappears like that, hurrying towards the elevator, and it only now registers with Baekhee that Junmyeon has taken them to a garage full of new, expensive looking cars. It’s clearly a residential building, and even through her bleariness, she puts two and two together; this is where Junmyeon’s brother lives, this is where he got the car. She leans against the car, rubbing sleep out of her eyes, only having enough time to fully wake up before Junmyeon comes back.

“This way,” Junmyeon murmurs. He doesn’t touch her, doesn’t look at her, just leads the way outside and to the subway station, down the stairs to the platform and into the train. It’s mostly empty, the morning rush long past, and Baekhee knows the fluorescent lighting does no favors to her appearance. She feels more self-conscious than ever, standing there, next to Junmyeon- she hasn’t showered since the night of the party, hasn’t even brushed her teeth, and it only adds to the self-loathing she already feels inside.

“Do you have any battery left on your phone?” Junmyeon asks when they step out of the subway. “You should call or text Chanmi. She’s been worried sick, you know. I texted her, and Kyungsoo and Jongdae, when you called me and when I picked you up, but she should hear from you. Hear that you’re alright.” 

“Yeah… Alright.” It feels to have their roles reversed like so, to have Junmyeon taking care of her, telling her what to do. She’s never seen this side of him, didn’t even think it existed, and she’s only further thrown in for a loop. “I just…” 

Junmyeon lets the silence linger for a while. “You’re ashamed,” he murmurs, finishing her sentence for her. “I’ve… I’ve been there, too. Every time I stood you guys up, every time I couldn’t show myself when we were hanging out. Every time I broke a promise to you. But you don’t need me to tell you that Chanmi isn’t going to punish you for what you’ve done. Just do the right thing, Baekhee-ya.” 

“I don’t think I’ve been right about anything in a long time,” Baekhee replies, the words rising from somewhere deep within her, yet she still does as she’s told. Hesitantly, slowly clicking into the group chat all five of them share, typing her message, stumbling on her own feet as she tries to keep walking. 

[ Baekhee ] guys… I’m really sorry about all of this. I know I was selfish and stupid and I shouldn’t have done any of this, and I’m sorry I upset you and made you worry for me. It’s not right. I’m really sorry. Please forgive me. Please don’t worry anymore, I’m home now. Let’s talk once I’ve had some sleep. 

The replies come in as they climb up the dark stairway to the roof, the brightness of the screen almost blinding her in the darkness, her heart racing out of her chest with anxiety as she reads the messages, almost too fast to even comprehend the words properly in her haste to see if they’re mad at her. If they’re going to forgive her. 

[ Chanmi ] Baekhee!! you stupid idiot!! I didn’t sleep all night I was so worried about you I wish I could be mad but I’m just so so relieved you’re alright!! wish I was there and not in class so I could hug you and never let go!!  
[ Chanmi ] please sleep you need it and don’t you dare do this again don’t break my heart like this pls  
[ Kyungsoo ] god I was so worried I’m glad Junmyeon hyung got you home safe and sound. Rest now and we’ll talk later if you want.  
[ Kyungsoo ] just want you to be okay.  
[ Jongdae ] shit Baekhee… 

It’s that last message that really makes Baekhee’s stomach churn, but she knows she deserves it. She knows Jongdae has every right to turn his back to her, and it’s scary, scary to realize she might have actually lost him.

Junmyeon holds the door open for her and she slips inside. While nothing has changed on the outside, she feels like an intruder, like she isn’t supposed to be here; she feels awkward, doesn’t know what to touch or how to behave, and the silence and tension between them are suddenly deafening in a way that sits ill on her skin, in her heart. 

He clears his throat, shuffles past her, and Baekhee realizes, now properly looking at him, that he’s gone a little translucent, a little harder to see around the edges, and that again is like a punch in the gut. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home,” she whispers, not moving from where she’s standing by the door. “Oppa, you were visible- you were visible at the police station, when you picked me up. Even there you could show yourself, but now you’re… Maybe I should go.” 

At any other time, the fact that Junmyeon could be fully seen at such a strange place under such stress, it would be cause for celebration. Even now, it has Baekhee’s chest swelling with pride, only this time it hurts because she doesn’t know if she should allow herself that. But now, standing in his own apartment, he’s flickering, wavering, trying to hide. 

“Don’t,” Junmyeon says, raising his voice and seemingly shocked by the volume of it. “I mean- please. Don’t go. I just, I’m just nervous. About the conversation we need to have. We have to talk, Baekhee, you know that. About… About the fight, the conversation we had at the party.”

“I know,” Baekhee whispers, still not moving away from the door. It feels safer that way, to have a way to escape, slip away. It’s unfair, immature, but if he can hide, then she can keep running. 

Silence lingers, heavy and filled with tension. Junmyeon sits on the couch, cautious, swallowing thickly around nothing, and Baekhee hates this. Hates that it has come to this.

Briefly, her thoughts flash to her mother. It wouldn’t be like this, meeting with her after their fight. Her mother has never known how to keep her mouth shut; she would be hurling accusations at her, or guilt tripping her for what she’s said and done. Baekhee wouldn’t ever have to make the first move, just let the waves carry her and hope to make it out alive at the end.

That isn’t how she wants this to be like. Not with Junmyeon. 

“Listen… I know you didn’t… you didn’t mean it like that. You weren’t, you weren’t slut shaming me, I know that.” The conversation has been on repeat in her mind ever since it happened, and she knows what went wrong. “Maybe you could have chosen your words better but I was just so hot-headed and I overreacted. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have been so dramatic about it.” 

Every word from her lips is like pulling teeth, her ego fighting such a confession even if deep down she knows it’s only fair. There was no reason for her to react the way she did, and she can only blame herself for it. It wasn’t Junmyeon’s fault. 

She’s been forced to mend things with her mother with apologies she didn’t believe in, didn’t actually mean, but this one is different. This one shouldn’t be fake, when all Junmyeon has ever given her is honesty and sincerity. 

Relief seems to flood to Junmyeon, flickering in so he’s more visible again. “No, it’s- I know I screwed up, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m so sorry,” he hurries to say, his eyes pleading as he looks up at her. “I’ve never, I never thought, I didn’t think you sleeping with people was a bad thing. I was always just worried- worried that you weren’t gonna be safe, that something could happen. I didn’t care about anything else… I shouldn’t have worded it like that, and I’m sorry.” 

Baekhee is suddenly only ever more overwhelmed with emotion. “You’re too good,” she whispers. “You’ve always cared about me so much, and I don’t deserve that… I’ve always just caused you trouble, always bothered you when I’ve needed something from you… And then we fight because I was being stupid and unreasonable, and you still come to get me. You still came, when I called, even though I did all that… Even though I hurt you like that. I broke my promise, oppa.” 

And she doesn’t want to confess the rest, but she knows that she owes him at least that much. It would only be fair- because if she can’t be honest with him now, then she only proves that she doesn’t actually deserve him. 

“What promise?” Junmyeon sounds confused, although Baekhee can no longer bear to look at him. “Baekhee-ya… Please don’t say such things, I’m not too good, never! I steal, I lurk around and stalk people, I lie, I’m unreliable, I’m not perfect. And it’s not like you’ve used me, in fact, you’ve saved me, changed my entire life. You helped me heal, Baekhee… You rescued me. What little I could do for you in return, I did it all so, so gladly. I wanted to, I needed to. I would never turn my back to you…” 

It’s all the more terrible to let him down now, to tell him what she’s done- how she did the one thing that would hurt him in her need to prove to herself that she doesn’t need him, can leave him behind and not look back. But the circle has now closed, and even after all of that running, she’s back here. Right where she started. 

She runs a hand through her hair, distantly noting how greasy it feels in her fingers, how there’s rough sand stuck to the strands. “I promised you not to sleep with strangers.” Every word hurts. “But that night I- that night, I did. It was stupid and I’m so sorry, I felt bad the entire time, I shouldn’t have done it, but I only understood that too late.” 

Baekhee takes a step back, until her back is pressed against the door, a concrete reminder that she could leave- there’s a way out. She’s been running away from everything distressing in her life for so long, always found a way out, whether it’s been a boarding school or sleeping with strangers, and she’s gotten so good at blocking out everything. Every little bit she doesn’t want to think about, she locks away as best as she knows how, and forgets about it. Hides it away from sight, fills up the gaps with attention, adoration. 

But Junmyeon, she can’t just fold down and put away. Couldn’t, even if she wanted to. 

Junmyeon doesn’t move, even his breaths too quiet for Baekhee to hear. She closes her eyes, braces herself; she’s never witnessed Junmyeon getting angry, but she thinks she will now. “I’ve been so terrible to you,” she murmurs, shaking her head. “I never wanted to be like everyone else in your life- I didn’t want to be like all of those who hurt you. Your family, your classmates, the people in the military. I didn’t want to be like them. But in the end… I turned out just like them. Just like my mother. I never wanted to…”

“No, don’t say that!” And Junmyeon springs up to his feet, slams his hand against a couch cushion. “Baekhee. No. Don’t do that. You know that isn’t true- you know how much you’ve helped me. How much you’ve helped me change, for the better. So don’t say such things about yourself. Even though… Even though you made a mistake, it’s okay. It’s really not… I’m not mad.” 

That stuns her. “You’re not?” She finally looks at him, and to her surprise, only sees honesty in his eyes. “But I broke the promise… And I realized that it was wrong, it didn’t feel good, all I could think of was you and how I was hurting you, how I’d rather be with you, but I still did it, and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” 

“Baekhee…” Junmyeon averts his eyes before turning to face her again. “No, I’m not mad. You’re safe, you’re here, you’re sorry- no, I can’t be angry. I wish you hadn’t done it but- It sounds like it made you realize something. Baekhee, don’t you think- We’ve both been such fools, but Chanmi opened my eyes. When we were trying to find you, reach you. She said to me… She made me realize how much I’ve come to care for you. How much I need you. Baekhee… I think I might love you.” 

There’s no fanfare, just a quiet confession. Sincere, heartfelt, and raw, said in the heat of the moment after a long day and a long night, in the middle of what could count as an argument. But it hits Baekhee like a freight train, pushing air out of her lungs, and she just stands there, speechless. Stares at Junmyeon, and tries to comprehend; but in the end, it all comes down to the truth. That Junmyeon is right, that Chanmi is right. That what her heart has been trying to tell her all this time is true. 

She’s fallen for him, too, and she didn’t see it coming until it was too late. 

She shudders, and covers her face with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she whimpers. “I like you too, oh god, and now you’re stuck with me, I’m so terrible, this is so awful, fuck.” 

Junmyeon laughs nervously, before walking over to her, gently placing his hand on her arm like she’s a skittish animal. She’s still pressed against the door, and the urge to leave is still there; but she knows she can’t. 

She’d only keep coming back. 

“We’re alright,” Junmyeon murmurs. “We’ll… We’ll figure this out. Whatever all this means. It’ll be alright. But I think, we both need to rest now. It’s been tough, these past 24 hours and more, so. We should sleep. And then probably get to studying, because the finals are so close it’s scary.” 

Baekhee laughs with him, this time. For once, Junmyeon is acting as the voice of reason, and she knows he’s right. 

It feels as though there should be more to say- somehow make this more grandiose, but she doesn’t quite know what is missing. What else could be added. And Junmyeon is right, it’s really not the right time to be overthinking this, overcomplicating this. 

“You really love me?” she squeaks nonetheless, finally lowering her hands. The word, it doesn’t sit right in her mouth, on her tongue, but she needs to hear it. Baekhee, like Junmyeon, has never heard it before. Not like this.

She’s immediately hungry to hear it again. 

“I think I do.” Junmyeon is smiling at her now, his cute blush bright on his cheeks, hands twisting nervously at the hem of his shirt. “And I mean, I know that… I know Jongdae has feelings for you too, and I mean, if you like him better than me then that’s fine, I don’t care, I mean I do but I’m going to let you choose-”

Baekhee would kiss him to shut him up, but she doesn’t know how badly that would freak him out. Instead, she presses a delicate finger to his lips, and squares him down with a meaningful look. 

“I’ll deal with Jongdae,” she promises. “But I certainly don’t like him, not how I like you. Don’t worry about it. Let’s just… Let’s just sleep. I need to forget about the world for a while.” 

And she’s able to lure Junmyeon to bed with her, although he won’t touch her, won’t cuddle close to her. But it’s alright, because just feeling him near, hearing him breathe right beside her, it’s already the greatest comfort. 

She’s grown so dependent of him, and even if it’s scary and new, Baekhee knows she wants it. 

She wants to stay with him.

*****

Even if reuniting with Junmyeon was quite peaceful in a sense, given that he wasn’t angry or upset with her, meeting Chanmi, Kyungsoo, and Jongdae is significantly different. Junmyeon invites them all to his apartment later that day, and as soon as Chanmi gets through the door, she flies over to Baekhee and tackles her into a fierce, tearful hug even as she keeps cursing her out for her stupidity.

“You’re such a fool, such a fucking idiot, you’re so fucking stupid,” she mumbles into Baekhee’s neck, almost collapsing her under her weight. “I would fucking kill you if I could, you had me so worried, do you have any bloody idea? I kept calling and calling you and you wouldn’t pick up, Baekhee, I thought you were dead! Dead!” 

All Baekhee can do is repeat her apologies, over and over, and take her anger, take her anguish. She knows she deserves it all, and her heart aches ever so terribly; she does dearly love her, very much so, and to know she’s caused her this much pain is awful. 

“My sweet Chanmi,” she whispers, hugging her as tightly as she can. “I’m so sorry… I was so messed up, so lost, and I thought… I thought I shouldn’t ruin your happiness. I shouldn’t burden you…”

“You fucking idiot!” Chanmi pulls back only to flick her on the forehead, hard. “You fucking piece of shit! So you thought running away and going into hiding was better than giving me a call so you could have talked about it? You’re officially an idiot, Baekhee.” 

Her scolding should feel bad, but in it, Baekhee reads only love and caring, and she knows she hardly deserves it, after everything she’s put her through. Not just these past few days, not just this spring, but their entire friendship. She’ll never have the words to say it to her, so she can only hug her fiercely, just hold her and hope she understands. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmurs into the crook of her neck. “I’m so, so sorry. I would take it back if I could. I promise I won’t do anything like that ever again. Please forgive me.” 

“I forgive you,” Chanmi sighs, feigning to be reluctant about it, before breaking into a genuine smile, even if still a little teary-eyed. “It’s alright. At least you’re back home, and you’re safe. It’s all that matters.”

Kyungsoo is wordless in his hug, even if he hugs her more tightly and passionately than he’s ever touched her before. He’s usually one to keep his distance, to maintain his personal space, and so even with just this little it’s already obvious how shaken up he’s been as well. “Congratulations,” Baekhee whispers in his ear, since she didn’t get a chance to tell him that yet. “I know you guys will be so happy together. I’m so glad you finally told her how you feel.” 

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo is flustered, glancing at Chanmi a little shyly. “But we can talk about that later.” 

“Fine.” In all honesty, Baekhee would rather talk about that than face the last person in the room, but she knows she has no choice. 

Jongdae looks sullen, his shoulders drawn up high and his gaze avoiding Baekhee’s. Everything about him screams how much he doesn’t want to be there- but yet he came, and Baekhee is reminded once again that she doesn’t truly deserve any of these people. Not with the way she’s been treating them. 

She hugs him regardless, even though Jongdae is quick to step away from the touch. “I’m sorry, about everything,” Baekhee murmurs. Now is not the time to say everything that probably needs to be said, so this will have to suffice. “I didn’t mean it- I didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt you. I shouldn’t have been so careless. I’m so sorry.” 

Jongdae shrugs, still not facing her. “It’s whatever,” he replies, clearly not meaning any of it. “It’s… It’s whatever. Just let it be.” 

And sadly, that’s all she can do right now. 

Junmyeon steps up to her side, gently touches her shoulder to steer her to the couch. “We could study together,” he timidly suggests. “Since we’re all here. So we can like, ask each other if we have stuff we don’t quite understand, and stuff. We can order in food, too.” 

“Sounds wonderful!” Chanmi is quick to agree, and sits down on the floor in front of the couch, tugging Kyungsoo down with her. “We’ve got some catching up to do, so it’s best we work together! I want tteokbukki.” 

“You’re the only one who likes the spicy stuff, you can’t pick what we get,” Kyungsoo complains as he begins to take his things out of his bag. “Otherwise none of us are gonna enjoy it!” 

“I like spicy stuff too, what are you even talking about,” Jongdae huffs, settling on the other side of the coffee table, slamming his notebook down. “If you can’t handle spicy things then that’s your own problem, man. What kind of Korean even are you, if you can’t eat spicy tteokbukki?” 

And as the conversation descends into familiar chaos, Baekhee can’t help but feel warm inside, curled up against Junmyeon, still a little shy about it but also feeling safe right there. It’s such a relief that things can go back to normal so fast, even when so much has happened and changed so quickly. In so many ways, these are the same people as always- yet so many things are different. Some better, some worse, but all in all, she knows she’s found a better place for herself. 

With Junmyeon, and with her friends, their bond tried and tested and somehow still standing. 

Even if things with her family are likely to never improve, she’s still found herself a home. Found it with Junmyeon- and looking at him now, feeling him next to her right here, she knows how lucky she got that night on the balcony, bumping into him as she did. 

Junmyeon smiles at her, a little bashful, still blushing. “What are you thinking about,” he asks, soft and tender.

“Nothing really.” Baekhee squeezes his thigh gently. “Just… appreciating.” 

She promises herself then and there to do her best not to screw this up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this ended up being a very strange last chapter. there's no reason for why this story took me over 3 months to write and complete, it just... it just did. and I think I lost my way with this story, somehow. I should have done more, although I don't know what. how is this story almost 60k and it still feels like I only barely scratched the surface of everything I wanted to say? I have no idea. 
> 
> but this was a story I somehow needed to tell, even if badly, and I'm glad I did. even if it hasn't been the best thing I've ever written, even if it isn't something that many people have chosen to read or will read, I still had to do this. wanted to do this. 
> 
> I promise you guys my next one will be more fun.


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